The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio
by Reanna R. King
Summary: Episode 19: Much ecchiness and violence ensues when our heroes attempt to escape from the Utena world. Rated PG-13 for lots and lots of Keroppon.
1. Get Out of My Mind, Get Into My Car

I walked along behind Akio. How did I let him convince me to go for a ride with him? A mystery. The mysterious Akio car loomed ahead in all its crimson glory. Almost crimson… except for a telltale dull silvery line running from the back of the car to the front.

Akio stopped in his tracks. "MY CAR!" He ran up and kneeled beside the car. "SOMEONE KEYED MY CAR!"

"Uhh, that's too bad…" I muttered. "Maybe this is a bad, time. We'll just go on that drive some other time."

Akio took a wavering breath. "This is fixable. I can fix this. It's okay."

"Err, Akio?"

"I'm fine!" Akio's voice cracked. "Get in the car!"

"Okay, but I'm telling you right now that I don't want to see the Ends of the World or the end of anything for that matter. Do we understand each other?"

Akio smiled.

"No weird costume changes…"

Akio smirked.

"No weird saxophone music…"

Akio chuckled.

"No jumping onto the hood of the car while it's in motion."

Akio leaned on the car door casually. "Just a short drive."

I opened the car door and sat down on the leather seat and buckled my seat belt. Akio went around and got in on the driver's side.

He started the car—or tried to. The car coughed and sputtered, but wouldn't start.

VVMM VVMM VVMM…

Akio made an annoyed face… and tried again.

VVMM VVMM VVMM…

And again.

VVMM VVMM VVMM…

"KUSO!" Akio moaned, letting his head slam down on the steering wheel.

HOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNK!!!

Akio smashed his fist down onto the dashboard… and we heard a KLUNK from the front of the car. The front bumper had fallen off.

Akio went up front and reattached the bumper… using a roll of duct tape he happened to have on hand. Meanwhile, I was still sitting in the car, waiting patiently, albeit nervously.

With nothing better to do, I reached absently over and turned the key in the ignition. The car started up and purred beautifully. Before I knew it, the car started rolling forward, with Akio still out of the car.

The car must have been going nearly twenty miles an hour and Akio was still chasing the car behind me. Wow… he's fast.

Akio dove—head first—back into the car. He got himself oriented and then began "driving," wearing the infamous I'm-dead-sexy-and-mysterious-to-boot smirk.

I sat, looking ahead, waiting for him to say something. Instead, he gave me a smug look and turned on the radio.

"~oops, I did it again…~"

Akio smashed the radio with his fist a couple of times until it began playing the Akio car theme.

I looked up from rummaging around in the glove compartment (stuffing maps and several assorted unpaid parking tickets back in). "You said no Akio Car music!"

Akio looked over. "Something wrong?" He smirked. His right hand reached over between the seats where the seat-adjusting levers were.

"Akio-san, what are you doing? I'm perfectly fine the way my seat is, no need to—"

KERCHUNK! Akio's seat flew forward a few feet, slamming Akio's face into the steering wheel.

HOOOOOOONNNNNK!!

"Ow…"

I stifled a giggle. I reached absently over and readjusted Akio's seat back to its normal position.

Akio straightened himself out.

Not wanting to make eye contact, I looked the other way out of the car.

"Akio-san, where are we? Where are you driving us?"

I looked over at him, expecting an answer. Instead, I saw him wearing that same sexy smirk, his hair now blowing free in the wind. In shock I realized that his clothes had changed! He was now wearing—

--a ballet tutu.

"Akio-san…" I giggled. "You look absolutely ravishing in pink!"

Akio looked down. A quiet growling sound could be heard. "Would you mind… looking the other way for a moment?"

I looked away. I could, however, hear Akio behind me.

*shuffle shuffle* *RIP* "Dammit!" *shuffle* *snap* *zip* "OW!"

"Okay… you can look now."

Akio's smirking face was no less than three inches from mine. He was now fully clad in that princelike outfit.

"…"

"Is this better?"

"Er… yes." Okay. Now he was getting really creepy.

Akio's right hand rested on the headrest of my seat. His left hand rested on my thigh—a little too close to a region I prefer to keep to myself.

"A- Akio-san…" I squeaked.

He leaned forward to whisper in my ear… I had scarcely felt his warm breath when we heard--

KRA-BOOM!

The sound of thunder signaled the beginning of a rainstorm. Rain began pouring down into the car.

I sighed in relief as Akio scrambled to put up the roof of the car. In his haste he managed to screw up the position of my seat so it moved all the way back and I was looking directly at the sky.

That's it. I'd had it.

"I'm sitting in the back seat."

"Go ahead!" Akio shouted back, him being too busy fiddling with the car's controls.

"Akio-san, my seatbelt is stuck…" I wiped rain out of my hair once Akio got the roof up. Pinned into the seat as I was, I couldn't even see Akio.

THUD! HOOOOOOOONNNNK!!!…

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Nothing!"

KERCHUNK! HOOOOOONNNK!!

"What happened?" I asked.

"Nothing!" I heard his voice say.

I lay there for a moment. "You tried jumping onto the hood of the car and forgot the roof was up, didn't you?"

"No!" Akio said indignantly.

"I'm ready to go home now."

Akio moved around to my side, bringing himself into my view (I noticed that he had a very large bump on his head).

"I want to show you something first," he purred.

"If you say 'Ends of the World,' I'll scream," I said flatly.

"Ri-chan…" He moved closer.

"Akio, don't you—AAHHHHH! Get away!!!"

He leaned forward to whisper in my ear. "Let me show you…"

"Don't touch me! I'll hit you!"

"Let me show you the Ends of the—"

POW!

…

Akio's sexy smirk faded to a frustrated frown. I had been just about ready to start pleading with him. I opened one eye cautiously.

"What's happened now?" I asked.

"I think we have a flat tire," Akio muttered. He groaned in exasperation and let his head fall forward—not onto the steering wheel, but rather onto my chest.

"PERVERT! GET OUT Of THERE!"

The flat tire began sending the car out of control. Akio flew forward—onto the steering wheel.

HOOOOOOOONNNNNNK!!!

"Ow…"

"You should have been wearing your seat belt!"

I heard the car door open.

"Where are you going now?"

"To change the tire."

What? The car can't change its own tires? I almost said it aloud.

Akio came back into the car about the time I had freed myself from my seatbelt bondage and readjusted my seat. His long lavender hair was no longer stately and flowing. It hung down, flat and dripping with rainwater.

"I'm having a bad day," he muttered.

"Can we go home?"

"As soon as I figure out where we are."

"WHAT?! You mean we're lost?"

Akio thrust his hand into the glove compartment and pulled out a stack of badly folded maps.

"Jeez, for Dios' sake, can't you even fold a map properly? I we ever get back to Ohtori, remind me never to take a ride from you again!"

"Here. Make yourself useful." He shoved a map into my arms and began driving again. "We'll be back at Ohtori before you know it, and don't expect me to stop and ask for directions, either!"

"Dios help me…" I groaned.

To be continued…


	2. Do I Make You Horny, Baby?

The Adventures of Reanna and Akio

Part 2

By Reanna King

It's a wonder to me that I've actually gotten compliments on this thing. I just wrote it for fun… I guess some people have a twisted sense of humor like me. Anyway, I rated this one "R." It's a little more ecchi than the first installment, but it's not too bad. Don't worry. Well, here it is.

I'm in the Akio Car… with Akio… and we're hopelessly lost.

Somebody help me.

"Akio, we've been driving all night! Can't you stop and ask for directions?" I asked.

"No. I know where I'm going."

"Don't kid yourself! You have no idea where we are or where we're going!" I looked out through the pouring rain and saw a familiar logo alongside a familiar-looking building. "A… McDonald's?"

"Exactly where I meant to go," Akio said unconvincingly as he pulled into the drive-thru.

"Wait a minute, can't we go inside?" I asked.

"Actually, we can't…" Akio said, looking at the menu board. "Or rather, I can't. The restraining order says I'm not allowed to enter a McDonald's restaurant ever again."

"What did you—never mind, I don't want to know."

We drove up to the window. A guy dressed as Ronald McDonald poked his head out. "Welcome to McDonalds. How may I—Oh God, it's the ketchup guy."

I glared at Akio. "The 'ketchup guy?'" Far too many possible explanations for this ran through my mind.

The guys brightly painted face grimaced. "You on a date with this weirdo?"

Akio replied "yes" at the exact moment that I replied "not willingly."

He leaned over. "Want me to call the cops?" he asked me.

"How about you take our orders?" Akio asked.

He looked around nervously. "Uh, okay." He immediately folded his hands and started mumbling something about ketchup and salad shakers.

Akio proceeded to order his food. For some reason, I didn't have much of an appetite… so I didn't order much.

Well, quicker than you can say, "This fanfic has no plot whatsoever," we had our food.

"Be careful," the overly-pierced teenager at the pickup window warned Akio. "The contents of that Big Mac are hot."

Akio scoffed and took a big bite out of it. "OOOOOOOOWWWW!!!! DAMMIT!!" he dropped his Coke, sending sticky cola all over his seat.

"What now?"

"I burned myself on a… on a…" he looked to see what had burned him. "A pickle!"

"Serves you right."

And so we drove on. I ignored Akio's icky jokes about super-sizing and golden arches by enjoying, or trying to enjoy my food.

Before long, we had finished eating. We had listened to all of Akio's CDs twice over, played enough games of "I Spy" and "Twenty Questions" to last us the rest of our lives, and we still hadn't found Ohtori.

So I sat there, picking absently at a hole in the leather upholstery. Then something struck me like a bolt of lightning. "Hey! We're not lost at all, are we?"

"Er…"

"You're just driving me around pretending to be lost, aren't you?"

"Perhaps so. Perhaps not," Akio answered, smirking. The car began to slow down. As we pulled in, I looked around to figure out where we were stopping.

"The beach? What are we doing here?" I asked as Akio let the roof of the car down so we could see the evening sky.

Akio smiled lasciviously and turned on the radio.

"~HE'S GOT HIII-IIIGH HOPES… HIII-IIIGH HO—~"

Akio kicked the radio.

"~I wanna have sex on the beach…~"

I glared at Akio. "I don't know what gave you the idea that I might be interested in having sex with you."

"I've set all this up perfectly. There's no way you can resist me."

"~WHOOPS THERE GOES ANOTHER RUBBER TREE PLAN--~"

**WHACK!**

"~Come on move your body, sex on the beach…~"

Akio slid in closer to me.

"Get away! I'll scream "rape" if you even touch me!" I raised my hands in defense and scootched against the car door.

"No sense getting ahead of me. We can see stars tonight, and I don't mean the ones in the sky." He put his hands forward to unbutton my jacket.

"No, NO! I'll scream!"

"Nobody will hear you," he grinned sexily, working on the buttons.

"Help! Gah! CUT IT OUT!!"

Akio was about to go for the bra when a little chibi-angel-Akio appeared above Akio's right shoulder. It stood resplendent in white robes and wings and wore a glowing halo over his head.

"Akio!" the chibi-angel-Akio yelled. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Akio looked guiltily at the angel. "You're right!"

"Whew," I breathed in relief.

Akio removed his shirt. "Better!" he said.

"Much better!" it smiled, and disappeared.

"I should have seen that coming," I muttered, my bra hanging loose around my shoulders. " I wonder what his devil side is like."

"Wanna find out?" he put his hands forward, and—

"EEEEEEEEYYYYYAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! NONONONONONONOOOOOO!"

**plop****!** A white blob of goo appeared on Akio's hand. No, it wasn't that…

"Nani?" Akio wondered aloud, as another glob fell on his head.

I looked up. "Seagulls!"

"Why?" Akio groaned, putting the roof back up (but not before he got plopped on a little more) and backed out and drove on, the radio still blaring.

"~HE'S GOT HII-IIGH APPLE PIE IN THE SKYYYY HOPES…~"

It was dawn, at last. The roof was down… but I didn't remember Akio lowering it. I looked down… and realized I was naked. When did that happen?

I looked over at Akio, nervously, but he didn't seem to notice. The steering wheel, however, was laughing at me. The cigarette lighter was saying how hot he was and the gauges were saying what nice headlights I have.

Just as the seatbelt was getting frisky, I saw a bright red flame out of the corner of my eye. I looked and saw a huge red bird outside, rising up out of a huge fire.

"A phoenix," Akio said. "The phoenix born at dawn."

"Huh?" I asked, wrestling with the grabby seatbelt.

"It's me. That's what my name means."

I looked at the phoenix. "Oh. Yeah." I muttered half-heartedly. "Did you know your seatbelt is trying to molest me?"

Akio turned to me and grinned. "Relish pants burn mambo igloo Jigglypuff."

The phoenix squawked from where it flew directly above us.

"Akio, this seat just pinched my butt!"

"Digeridoo bleeb."

Squawk!

"What's that… white stuff?" Akio asked.

PLOP!

I was startled awake by the radio. It was only a dream. There was no phoenix or phoenix plop, I was fully clothed, and the Akio car was no longer harassing me.

Still, I smiled evilly at the thought of Akio covered in phoenix plop.

The car's roof was still up… it was still night.

"Did you sleep well?" Akio asked.

The car slowed down again and pulled into a new location.

"You're taking me to a drive-in movie?"

"They're having an anime marathon."

"Oh, good… … what kind of anime?"

I looked at the marquee. 'La Blue Girl,' 'Cool Devices,' 'Angel of Darkness.' "Gaaaahhh…" I groaned. "It figures."

Akio smirked. "Five hours of hentai enjoyment, naughty tentacles and sex-crazed monsters!"

"Like hell! I'm leaving." I went for the door. There was no unlocking mechanism on my side. "Let me out!"

"Come on, Reanna, give it a shot."

I grumbled. "Well… okay." The show had already started. I watched until Akio spoke.

"Oo, look, Reanna…"

"Ah-HA! You're trying to make me horny, aren't you? Well it's not gonna work! … … … tentacles… … yummy…" I felt my face go red. "Uh, I mean, um…"  
"Wow! Lookit that!" Akio pointed.

"Na… ni?" … "GAAAAAAH! MY EYES! THEY'RE BURNING! THIS IS TORTURE! I CAN'T SEE! I'M BLIND!"

"I wonder if that's physically possible," Akio marveled.

"Ugh. I hope not."

"Now that looks like fun." Akio said.

I had to agree.

After five long hours of perversion, it was at last over.

"Ah! That was fun!" Akio said. He turned to me. "So… are you…"

"No."

"Not even a little?"

"Nope."

"How is this possible?" Akio grumbled.

"Well… it took tremendous willpower… and the fact that, er… it's my story."

"Well, I'm not giving up. We're going somewhere else."

"Where?"

"You'll like it."

I thought about that statement. "If it's the Shikima realm I'm going to be very disappointed."

"You just wait and see."

I sighed. Apparently, this was long from over…

TO BE CONCLUDED…

tentacles… yummy…


	3. Break a Leg! er Ankle?

The Adventures of Reanna and Akio

part three: Break a Leg!... er... Ankle?

by Reanna King

Here is the long awaited part three of the Adventures of Reanna and Akio. Here, the saga comes to a dramatic climax! (No, not that kind of climax) It may will be the conclusion, but I may decide to make this an ongoing, episodic series. I do have a few more ideas to put into play. Perhaps Akio and I will never get back to Ohtori and we'll just wander around forever.

I borrowed a couple ideas from my online RPG, Ohtori no Gekijou. Also, in this episode, we will see the appearance of an Utena character besides Akio!... And... she is as badly out of character as Akio...

Now, without further ado, here it is!

**THIS INSTALLMENT OF "THE ADVENTURES OF REANNA AND AKIO" HAS BEEN RATED "R" JUST TO BE SAFE. THERE IS _NO_ LEMON CONTENT HERE, BUT THIS INSTALLMENT IS MUCH MORE PERVERTED THAN THE LAST ONE! JUST THOUGHT I'D LET YOU KNOW THAT... YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. SO DON'T COME CRYING TO ME WHEN YOU REGRET READING THIS... ;p**

Morning came at last, and I finally settled down a bit. But not too much. I wasn't settled at all. I was panicked.

...After all, I was still Akio's captive.

"Captive?" Akio asked from beside me. "Must you be so melodramatic?"

"Oops." I had forgotten that I had switched off the "internal monologue" function.

"Actually," Akio said, "I rather like the sound of it."

"Please don't."

Switching the internal monologue function back on, I pondered my situation. Where would he take me next? I thought about the possibilities and shivered. I realized that my will to remain a virgin was cracking. I had to escape before it shattered completely!

"Where are we going now?"

Akio smirked. "You'll see." From under the seat he took out a clipboard with some sort of list written on it and began looking it over.

"What's that?" I asked, leaning over to see.

"Ah-ah, no peeking." He tucked it away under the seat after he had finished looking it over.

We soon pulled into a large one-story building... with a neon sign featuring a picture of a pair of roller skates.

"A... roller skating rink?" I asked. Something strange was afoot. Why would he take me roller skating, and to a place that was filled with other people?

Perhaps this could be my chance to escape! There had to be someone inside who would help me! This is what I thought as we entered. Right away, I could hear music blaring, and bright lights flashed everywhere. I could barely even hear myself narrate!

"Here." Akio handed me a pair of purple rollerblades.

So he wanted me to skate, did he? Then that's exactly what I wouldn't do. "I don't want to."

"You sure?" He looked at the people skating. That's when I realized, to my astonishment, that they were all Shadow People!

"Absolutely sure."

"Hmm," Akio muttered smugly before calling out, "Y-Ko! Z-Ko!"

A couple of Shadow Girls skated up. "What? What? What do you need?" they both asked.

"My... date... is having trouble getting her skates on. Would you mind assisting her?"

"NO WAIT!" I cried before being tackled by a small group of Shadow Girls. Before I could resist, my shoes were yanked off.

"NO! NO STRIPPING! NO!!" I realized then that my shoes had been replaced with the rollerblades, which were locked on with small padlocks. I stopped thrashing and observed Akio placing the key to the locks in his pocket.

"Ready?" he smirked.

"...Yeah," I muttered in defeat. I got up, ignoring his outstretched hand.

Once we were out on the rink, I did my best to lose him. I tried speeding up, slowing down, braking, even skating off the rink completely... I even tried telling someone that I had been kidnapped (which wasn't entirely false), but no one would believe that a kidnapper would take his captive skating.

I stood on the edge of the rink, watching Akio warily. I cringed when he skated over to me, stopped, and leaned against the wall beside me. "You're not skating," he simply said.

I remembered the key in Akio's pocket. I was struck with an idea. After recovering from being struck by such a large and fast-moving idea, I executed this plan by sticking my hand into Akio's pocket.

"Oh, I'm so happy, my little rose petal!" He purred, and dug his hand into my own pocket and started moving around in there.

"Urk... YAAAAHHH!!! Somebody help me! RAPE!! HE'S TOUCHING MYYYAAAHH--"

THUD! Never let your knees melt while you're standing on roller skates.

I looked up at Akio angrily. "I am NOT a magic lamp, and rubbing me will NOT make a genie come out!" I yelled.

"LOOK OUT!" A voice called, just before two Shadow Girls crashed into me and fell right on top of... my ankle.

"I-TAI!" I cried.

"Oh, no! I'm so sorry! So sorry!"

"Do you know? Do you know? Do you know how sorry we are?"

They both moved away from me, allowing me to see Akio kneeling down next to me.

"Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

"I'm fine..." I muttered, sitting up. I was thumped back onto my back by Akio grabbing one of my feet and pulling it close to him so he could examine it.

He unlocked one of my skates. "Oh, no, you're ankle is... is..." he removed my sock. "...is just fine."

"What are you up to? Wait... I didn't know you had a foot fetish! Let go of my leg!"

The girls who had crashed into me coughed conspicuously. Grumbling, Akio reached in his pocket and handed them some money.

After unlocking the other skate and tossing me my shoes, he got up. "Ready to go?"

I looked at him with a puzzled expression. "What, skating again?"

"Nope. We're leaving."

"Already! But we haven't even been here for two hours!" And this had to be better than whatever else he might have planned. Still, all the Shadow People were creeping me out. I finished tying my shoes and stood up. "Okay, let's get out of here."

Soon enough, we were on the road again. Akio got out the list and crossed something off it.

"What is that for?" I asked.

"Eh?" Akio asked. "This?"

"I want to know!... I think."

"No, that would spoil the surprise." He sped up and headed toward our next destination.

Something really weird was going on. Well, besides the obvious, that is. "What are you up to?" I asked, looking directly at him.

"Oh... about six foot five. Why?"

"... ..."

Drip... drip... drip drop... drip... patter patter patter patter...

"Damn! It's raining again!" Akio muttered and flipped the switch to put the roof up.

VVRR-click. VVRR-click. VVRR-click. VVRR-click. VVRR-click.

"Something's wrong..." he muttered.

"No kidding."

VVRR-click. VVRR-click. VVRR-click. VVRR-click. VVRR-click.

"It's stuck."

"Really? I couldn't tell."

VVRR-click. VVRR-click. VVRR-click. VVRR-click. VVRR-click...

Meanwhile, the rain was getting everywhere. Cheerfully, I reached into my purse and pulled out a collapsible umbrella.

"How do you have that with you?"

"I always go everywhere prepared." I grinned smugly.

"I don't suppose you have another?" he asked without any actual hope.

"Nope. And if I did, you wouldn't be getting it."

"Ah well. We're almost to our next stop anyway."

"Akio-san! I want to go back to Ohtori now! We've been away from Ohtori for... a long time!"

Akio chose to ignore my pleading. "Ah, there it is, up ahead."

I looked out past the pelting rain and saw another building with a neon sign. As we drove closer, I saw what it was. "You're taking me to a discotheque?"

"This'll be a lot of fun. Even more fun than roller skating."

Well, that wasn't saying much. "Akio, I can't dance and there's no way you're going to make me." I was also determined not to subject my eyes to the sight of Akio's dancing. I had never seen him dance, but I was sure that it couldn't be pretty.

We pulled in to the parking lot and walked through the rain to the front door. Once again, as soon as we opened the door, we were met with a blast of ear-shattering sound and flashing lights. I again struggled to hear myself narrate.

"Come on, Ri-chan, this will be great. I even brought outfits for the two of us." He held up two outfits, one of which was a white disco suit, and the other I recognized as belonging to a character from The Slayers—Naga.

"AKIO! THERE IS NO WAY I'M WEARING THAT THING!! And if you think for even one moment that I'm going to let you put it on me, you are sorely mistaken!"

Akio grinned and licked his lips. I shivered. (Really. I've seen him do it. It's really scary) "Oh, I wasn't expecting you to let me."

"Help…"

Five minutes later, Akio dragged me out of the changing room. I was indeed wearing that awful Naga outfit. 

"There, you're all ready," he smiled.

"I can't believe I'm wearing this thing," I moaned and bowed my head in embarrassment.

"Come on, Ri-chan, let's dance." He pulled my wrist, trying to pull me out onto the dance floor.

"NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!"

Akio got out on the dance floor with scores of dancing… Shadow People. "Let's go, Ri-chan, shake your bootie!" 

"I don't wanna shake my bootie!" I stomped my foot stubbornly, causing an undesirable reaction from my chest area. I blushed.

Just then, "YMCA" began blaring on the speakers, and all the Shadow People cheered and began doing the familiar dance and a couple Shadow Girls pulled me out into the light and music. And so I found myself in the middle of a throng of disco-dancing shadows.

"Ri-chan, you must know this song, now let's go!" Akio called, while doing his version of the YMCA dance.

"NO WAY!" I covered my eyes. I did NOT want to see Akio dancing. I tried to convince myself that if I successfully could block out what was going on, I would find myself safely back at Ohtori. But, I was snapped out of this by a tickling sensation in two very private places.

That's when I realized that Akio wasn't even standing near me. Then what--

"Chi chi! Chi!"

"Cha! Cha cha!"

"What the--"

"AH-kio! This IIs yOUR doing! StoOPPP it beFORRRE IIII…"

But everyone around me was applauding. But I only heard the clapping-- the room was spinning too much for me to see them doing so.

"That's a brilliant bit of dancing!"

"Far out!"

"Woohoo! Shake it up!"

"Help..."

True... I was doing what looked to be a combination of break dancing, the jitterbug, and belly dancing! Unfortunately, I have never been very athletic, and soon something twisted or sprained or something and I fell onto the floor. Fortunately, at that moment, the tingling stopped and two little monkey-mice jumped out of my outfit and bounded over to Akio.

"Good work, Chi Chi and Cha Cha," Akio whispered and came over to me.

"Reanna! I'm so sorry! Sometimes my pets get a little out of control. They must really like you!"

I bolted up, panting. "Like hell! You did that on purpose and now I've never felt so humiliated in my life... and I feel very wet..."

"Well, that's a good start at least..." Akio mused quietly.

"When I think about what could have happened..."

Akio pondered that. "That would have made this club much more popular, that's for sure."

"Oh, shut up."

Akio looked wounded. "Well, can you stand up?"  
"Yep."

"Can you move your leg?"

I smirked and kicked Akio in the shin.

"OWWW!!"

"Yep."

"That really hurt..."

"I'm taking a stand. We're getting out of here, right now!" I asserted, pulling Akio's ponytail and yanking on it like a leash. "Come on, let's go!"

One of the shadowy dancers approached us. "Your dance was the most far out thing we've ever seen! We want to make it this dance club's trademark dance!"

A cheer went up from the other dancers.

"No, please, it's not--"

The sexy smirk crept back into Akio's face. "Don't be so modest, Ri-chan. She'd be delighted. But... I'll only allow it if you name the dance after her, and let it be known by that name for all time."

"No..." I groaned.

One of the dancers considered, holding his chin in his hand. "We were kinda going to call it the "orgasm," but if you wanna name it after the creator, that's fine with us..."

Suddenly, a familiar voice called out, "Reanna! Reanna, is that you?"

I looked around. "Utena?"

Utena pushed her way through the crowd. "Reanna-sempai! Don't tell me you're on a date with Akio!"

"No, I'm not! He just won't take me back to Ohtori! Today it was the skating rink, and now this!" I groaned, shoving my way through the crowd to the back of the room. Utena followed.

"Skating rink? Dancing?" Utena said to herself. "Akio, don't tell me you're trying that stupid ankle thing again!"

Akio made a face that was obviously feigning confusion. "What stupid ankle thing? Whatever do you mean?"

"What're you talking about, Utena?"

Utena sighed. "Akio is... trying to make you break your ankle. I'm sure if you think back to previous events, it will all come together."

I thought for a second, and suddenly, everything came into focus. "I get it now! AKIO! This is the lowest and most disgusting thing you've done yet!"

Akio smirked. "I make it a practice to always top my records."

"Uh... what about the dance?" a dancer asked.

Utena turned to me. "Come on, Reanna. Me and my friends will take you back to Ohtori."

"Thank you, Utena-kun! You're a lifesaver! Or at least a virginity-saver!"

"It's no problem! After all, I'm a prince who saves princesses!"

Akio made an angry face. "Oh, no you don't! I'm not done with her yet!" Akio picked me up by the waist as if I was as light as a feather and charged out of the dance club.

"Utena-kuuuun!" I cried, flailing my arms. "Help meeee!!!!!"

Utena scowled. "He won't stop until he gets Reanna in bed! Or in the car... or some other place... and therefore, he must be stopped, and only a prince like me can stop him!"

"What's she talking about?" asked a dancer."

"I don't know..."

"Akio must not be permitted to take Reanna! And you can join me and we can band together to stop him! Who is with me?" Utena cried, striking a dramatic pose on the dance floor.

After a pregnant pause, the music started up again and everybody resumed their dancing. Utena sighed and exited the club.

Akio and I were back on the road...

"Akio, I hope you realize that this whole thing is now officially against my will and I'm not going to stand for it!"

Akio smiled sweetly, an eerie sight. "Don't worry. Soon you'll realize how silly you've been acting all this time, and we can both look back on this and laugh."

I hit the dashboard in frustration. "I don't know what you're on, but--" I stopped speaking when the dashboard popped open, spilling its contents onto my feet. "Oops." I bent down to pick everything up.

"Uh, don't bother with that," Akio said hastily. "I'll get that later..."

I raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "What are you keeping in here..." I picked up a stack of papers and shuffled through them. "Wait a minute... what's this? Parking tickets? Akio, these are all unpaid!"

"As of yet, you mean. I really was going to pay those!" Akio laughed nervously.

I shuffled further through the papers. "What?... printouts of restraining orders? 'Ohtori Akio is hereby forbidden from entering any Hooters restaurant?'"

Akio shrugged. "It was a long time ago..."

"And... receipts? $3000 for a... a sex machine??!! You own one of those?!"

"Eh? Th- that's not mine!"

"You sicko..." I shuffled further through the papers. "Let's see... repair bill for sex machine..."

"I don't know how that got in there. Really."

"Owner's manual for sex machine and order form for accessories and attachments..."  
"Really! That's not my kind of thing!" Akio persisted.

"What's this?" I looked at a thin book in my hands. "'Getting the Most Out of Your Sex Machine' by Akio Ohtori.' Akio, at this point, I just want to know what this is doing in your glove compartment... oh, and where you intend to take me next."

"Well, I'm still thinking about that. See, Utena's probably hot on our trail already, and I need to find a place to--"

"It's too late for that, Ohtori! Give yourself up now!" cried Utena's voice.

We looked around to see the Seitokai car speeding alongside our own, being driven by Touga, with Saionji, Miki, and Juri riding. Miki held a CD player which was playing heroic music... and Utena stood on the hood of the car, wearing a pink baby blankie for a cape, which was blowing dramatically in the wind.

Utena pointed an accusing finger at Akio. "Your little joyride has come to an end!"

Smirking, Akio took a bounding leap onto the hood of his own car.

"Draw your sword!" Utena called from the Seitokai car.

Akio looked puzzled. "Which one?" he called back.

"... The one used to wreak destruction and terror!"

Akio looked confused. "Which one?" he repeated.

"Your blade! Draw your blade! And I shall strike you down!" Utena pulled out a sword of her own.

"Oh, THAT sword!" Akio pulled out a sword.

"En guarde! My sword shall thrust and parry with the speed of--" Utena's words were cut short as we drove under an overpass, hitting Utena and sending her backward to splat on the road.

In a moment of brilliance, I momentarily hit the brake on the Akio Car, sending Akio (who had ducked under) down onto the pavement. I smiled with satisfaction at his startled cry, but then became aware of another voice.

"Reanna-chan!"

I looked over to see Miki reaching out from the Seitokai Car. "Miki-chan! Help me!" I reached out to Miki.

"Idiot!" 

"Baka!"

"Creep!"

"Jolly Green Giant!"

We looked over to see Touga and Saionji dueling angrily. Wait...

"If Touga's fighting with Saionji, who's driving the Seitokai car?" I asked.

The Seitokai car suddenly began to veer out of control.

"*Now* look what you did!"

"It's your fault!"

"Bite me!"

"Screw you!"

"Miki!" I cried. "Take the wheel!"

"But... I'm not old enough to drive... Juri's not, either... now only a miracle can save us!"

Juri popped up, glaring daggers at Miki. "THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS MIRACLES!" She then proceeded to wring out little Miki's neck.

"Reanna-chan... help..."

"Blow me!" Touga roared.

"F*** you!" Saionji retorted in a shower of eloquence.

"I'll cut you apart!"

"Like $%^@$%@ hell! You suck!"

"Miki! Hit the brake!"

Miki dove into the front seat and slammed down on the brake. I, too, went for the brake of the Akio car again. But the car had different ideas. I dove for the brake but became sandwiched between the bottom and back of the car seat. The one arm that wasn't pinned down flailed out-- and accidentally grabbed the steering wheel, sending the car out of control.

"Somebody help me! I'M GONNA DIE!"

THUD!

I immediately heard the clanging of swords, so I reasoned that the dueling Utena and Akio had somehow made it back up onto the Akio car. I struggled to get out of the clutches of the Akio car, but unfortunately the duelists found the back of the seat a convenient place to hold their fight.

"Hey… guys… I can't breathe!" I barely got out.

Meanwhile, the car was still completely out of control... that is... until it crashed into the side of a building, which just happened to be standing in our way. Akio was fortunate enough to get a grip on the steering wheel, but Utena careened off the car and through the brick wall of the building with a high-pitched shriek.

"Utena-kun!" I cried.

"That takes care of that!" Akio said, freeing me from the seats. "Come on, let's go."

"Freedom was so close..." I moaned.

"Oh, quit your griping. After all, it's my birthday tomorrow."

"Your WHAT?!"

TO BE CONTINUED...

PREVIEW OF THE NEXT: That's right, next episode is the "Akio's birthday" episode!


	4. It's his Party and I'll Cry if I Want To...

The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio

Part Four: "It's His Party and I'll Cry if I Want to!"

By Reanna King

**Part four is here, and it's ECCHI! So again, I give my FAIR WARNING to all those who can't handle lime content. And now, onward! Caro-chan, you MAY want to skip this episode. Since there's almost no continuity, it probably wouldn't hurt your understanding of the story very much. This episode is pretty dumb and pretty much acts as a filler episode. Oh, and I get tied up. But for those who have been waiting to see Akio hit in the area, here's where you'll see it!! I know, I'm totally shameless and completely hopeless, but… ah well. So is this entire series. I also referred to the "Xanth" novels, by Piers Anthony in this chapter. You probably haven't read them, but I recommend them.**

**Visit my website: ******

**Email me at: ****miki_no_shoujo@yahoo.com**

**Oh, and if you're perverted enough to have actually enjoyed this, I recommend my Slayers fanfic, "Club BiSDiM," in the Slayers section of the Anime section of Fanfiction.net.**

"Happy birthday to Akio… happy birthday to you!"

We sat in the Akio car… as usual, speeding down the road on autopilot, with the roof up so as not to let the wind blow out the flame on the candle stuck into Akio's chocolate cupcake.

"Here, one for you to," Akio said as he handed me a cupcake.

"Mm, chocolate… there isn't an aphrodisiac in this, is there?"

"Don't be silly. Eat it."

I shrugged and took a huge bite out of it. "Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I got you a present, Akio."

Akio looked touched. "You got me a present? Really? What is it?"

"Yup." I dug around in my purse and pulled out a small object. I handed it to Akio. "There you go."

Akio took it and examined it. It looked to be a round piece of thin rubber with a red ribbon tied around it… probably because that's what it was. "It's nice!… … what is it?" He turned it around in his hand, trying to identify his gift.

"You put it on the exhaust pipe of the Akio car."

"What does it do?"

"It offers maximum comfort," I giggled, "during those most intimate moments with the Akio car!"

"… I don't find that very funny."

"I think it's hilarious. Oh, by the way, I thought you'd think you were entitled to something, since it's your birthday, so…"

"Yes?" Akio asked in anticipation.

I pulled out a new object from the hammerspace within my purse—a chastity belt. "I brought this, just to make sure you ain't gettin' none."

Akio pretended to be surprised.

"AND –get this—there are two keys to it. One, I have in my hand, and the other is back in my dorm at Ohtori." I opened the window and tossed the key out. "There. Once I put this baby on, I will be totally Akio-proof!"

"Oh, darn…" Akio smiled.

"Now, I shall go into the back seat to put this on! And you will NOT watch me."

"Of course not."

I hopped into the backseat and proceeded to put on the belt. It wasn't until I put it on and locked it that I noticed… something… something poking into a very private place… poking much too far into a very private place…

"Akio… did you… do anything to this?"

I could almost hear Akio smirking from up in the front seat. "Maybe… **chuckle** I thought you would have noticed it before you locked it on… Ah well…" Akio removed a small white box from his pocket.

"What's that for?" I asked, just before he clicked a button on it.  
_vrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRR__………_

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh..." (orgasmic scream copyright 2000 by Richard Gallivan, taken from Ohtori no Gekijou. Thanks Rich.)

"How you doing back there?" Akio asked.

"The key! The key… … I threw out the window… oh, **SHIT**… aaaAAAAHHH… How could you do this to me, you dumb stupid pervert… hhnnggghh…" I slumped down in the seat to try and control myself.

"Well, I thought it needed something," Akio said.

"A VIBRATOR?! Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of a chastity belt?! **moan**"

_VVVVVRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR…………_

"I think it's an improvement."

I dove up to the front seat and began slapping Akio about the face. "I have had it up to here with yooooooooohhhhhh… Help…"

"Happy birthday to me…" Akio sang softly to himself, smirking.

_VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR………_

"Akio, dooooooohhhhh… something!"

"Like what?" Akio asked innocently. "Happy birthday to me…" he continued singing.

"Help meeeeeeeeeeee!"

"You brought this on yourself… Happy birthday, dear Akio…"

_VVRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR………_

"Gaaahhhhhhhh… Help me…"

"Well…" Akio smirked. "You are one lucky girl."

"HOW THE HELL SO?!… ohhhhhhhhhh…"

"Because. When I put the vibrator in your belt, I also switched your spare key with another one." Akio held up a key. "I have the real key right he-"

"GIMME!" I dove at Akio, but he held the key just away from me.

"Ah-ah-ah!" Akio said, grinning evilly. "You don't think you're getting this back that easily, do you?"

I moaned… for more than one reason. "What do I have to do?"

"Not much. All you have to do is let me watch you change out of it."

"WHAT?!"

Akio shrugged indifferently. "Or you can have a massive, hot and sweaty, frame-shuddering, bone-rattling, shriek-inducing orgasm. Your choice."

I shuddered. "No way! Not in front of you! Gimme that key."

"There you go." He handed over the key. Hastily I put it into the lock and ripped the belt from my person. I sighed in relief, wiped a drop of blood from my nose, and relaxed in the seat.

Akio chuckled.

"What?"

Akio looked down at my "area"… which was still naked.

"Eep! You made me forget!" I dove back into the backseat and changed back into my full clothing. "You dork!" I whacked him another good one when I came back up to the front seat.

Akio turned back to the steering wheel.

"You're just loving this, aren't you?"

"Seeing you in sexual torment? Yeah, it's fun."

"So, what else do you have planned for this birthday party of yours?"

"Well, I was thinking that the two of us could have dinner at a nice restaurant…"

I perked up at the thought of that. "Hey, that sounds fairly decent…" It had been a while since I had been able to sit down to a decent meal!

"But first," said Akio, "we're going to Birthday Palace to go play some arousing party games."

I raised an eyebrow. "Don't you mean "rousing" party games?"

Akio looked at me blankly. "No. Arousing is what I meant."

I groaned. Apparently, it would only be a happy birthday for one of us. "Oh, what fun…" I said sarcastically.

Akio smiled. "I knew you'd see it my way. Now let's go. We can't be late for our reservation!" Akio sped up.

What was Birthday Palace? It certainly didn't sound like any place that Akio would be interested in going. But then again, I had learned on this adventure to never judge or assume ANYTHING.

"Akio, I wanna go home!"

Akio took out a clipboard and put a check on it.

"What?! You're not trying to break my ankle again, are you?!"

"Nope. I'm just keeping track of how many times you've said that you want to go home. And I noticed something."

"That the evidence suggests that I really, REALLY want to go home?" I glared at him.

"Nope. That with each passing day, whether you noticed it or not, you've asked to be taken home less and less."

I looked at him, puzzled. "What?"

"You asked me to take you home four times the first day. Three times the second day. Two times the third day. And so far, once today."

It couldn't be! That means he was implying that…! Well, I could fix that! "Take me home! Take me home! Take me home! Take me home! Take me home! Take me home!…"

"Ri-chan, that doesn't count."

"Take me home! Take me home! Take me home! Take me home! Take me home! Take me home!…"

"Ri-chan, you can stop that now…"

"Take me home! Take me home! Take me home! Take me home! Take me home! Take me home! Take me home! Take me home!…"

"Ri-chan, you're going to pass out if you don't stop that soon."

"Take me home…. Take… me home… take… me… home… …… take… … … …"

Things stopped happening; everything went black.

I'm not sure how much later I came to… but when I did I was aware of a blindfold over my eyes.

"Where am I? Akio? Where are you? What's going on?"

I heard Akio's voice. "You're in my personal torture chamber."

"WHAT?!"

"Just kidding."

I felt the blindfold taken off and was surprised to see a room full of party decorations, complete with streamers and balloons, as well a table with a cake on it. "What is this?"

"The room I reserved at Birthday Palace. Come on, this'll be fun."

"A party with just the two of us? What kind of party is that?"

"The best kind." Akio walked out in front of me to reveal that he was wearing a bright red party hat. He tossed me a purple hat.

"I'll put it on… only because you thought to get me my favorite color…" I snapped on the hat, feeling like a complete idiot… not only for putting it on, but for allowing myself to be put into these situations.

Akio put a hand on my shoulder; I shuddered. "Ri-chan… I have an offer I think you'll like."

I shrugged. "Well, I might as well hear it."

"If you can go through this party without saying you're having fun, I'll take you right back to Ohtori!"

It sounded too good to be true. Still… "I accept! This'll be easy!" I put out my hand. Akio shook it. "Do your worst!" I said.

"Ri-chan! Have you ever played bobbing for apples?"

"Sure… that sounds innocent enough."

When I saw the apples, this raised suspicions. "How come they're so tiny?"

Akio shrugged. "They're crab-apples. I didn't think you'd be able to mouth—er… bite into a full-sized apple."

I raised an eyebrow. Then, I pointed toward the door to the room. "Look, it's Utena!"

"Huh?" Akio asked, looking toward the door.

While he was distracted, I slipped a genuine cherry bomb, imported from Xanth, into the bucket, where it blended in nicely with the crab apples.

"Utena's not over there!" Akio said.

I shrugged. "Oops. My mistake. Well! This game looks like fun! Would you like to go first?"

Akio smirked. "But of course." He bent over to try and pick up an apple.

I turned away. "I can't watch… … no wait… yes I can." I turned back just in time to hear a KABOOM! The look of Akio holding the detonated cherry bomb in his mouth was priceless.

"Happy birthday, Akio!" I cackled.

Akio wiped off his blackened face, trying to remain cool. "Ha ha… guess the joke was on me…"

"Now I'll show you how it's done!" I dunked my head into the bucket and my teeth closed around an apple… but its skin wouldn't break. In fact… it felt… rubbery. I felt something press against the back of my head. What was Akio up to? I tried to spit out the apple, but found I couldn't. Wait a minute… this wasn't an apple! It was…

"It's amazing how much a ball gag looks like a crab apple when it's immersed in water, isn't it?" Akio asked, smirking.

"MMMMPHHH!!! Rrrphh mmm mmphhrrmmphh!!" (translation: "You tricked me! Take it off right now!!") I reached around the back of my head to unbuckle it, but only found a lock. "Mmpphrrmphhmm… Rrph mmmrrphh??" ("Akio… where's the key?")

"Right here, in my pocket…" Akio reached into his pocket as I realized that I shouldn't be surprised that he could understand speech from behind a ball gag. "Oops…"

"Mm?"

"That was the key I replaced the chastity belt key with… the one you threw out the window. Don't worry. I'll call someone who can get that lock undone."

I put my head in my hands. "Nnnmmm…"

"Until then, let's play some more games! I guess you can't eat cake until you get that gag off, but… why don't we play musical chairs? That's a fun game!"

Ah… I had fond memories of playing musical chairs at parties when I was a little girl… What could Akio have up his sleeve for this game? "Mmphh… mmmphhmmphhrrphhnnmm…" ("Akio, what's the point of musical chairs if we only start out with two people?")

"Well, it'll be a quick game." Akio got out a chair and switched on the music. It was—guess what?—"Revolution." (I know you probably saw that coming… deal with it)

I sighed against the gag and began walking around the chair with Akio. I just had to beat him. I had an urge to beat him at every game we played. I just had to!

I was so busy thinking that I didn't realize the music had stopped and Akio had already sat down.

"Reanna, you should pay more attention! Care for another round?"

I nodded.

The music began… and this time, when the music stopped, I was down on that chair right away. I had done it! I had beaten Akio! I felt like nothing that Akio did to me now would ever matter, because I had beaten him at a game of musical chairs! In fact, I felt I had the confidence to make Akio take me back to Ohtori now… which, I reminded myself, would happen when I got through the party without saying I was having fun… eh?

I looked down to find myself tied to the chair. "MM! MMPHHRRPHH??!!" ("Whaa…? When did this happen?!")

"I told you you should pay more attention," Akio murmured.

I struggled against the rope. "MMPHHRRPHMM!!" ("Let me go!")

"Your nose is bleeding."

"MMmphhmm…" I said in defeat. ("I know…")

"Don't worry. I'll call that locksmith now."

"MMPPHHRRPHMMNNNPHRHMMMPRRRHMM!!" ("No! Don't do that! I'll be humiliated!!")

"Hate to break it to you, but it's far too late for that. Think of it as a lesson in disciplinism." Akio picked up the phone that was sitting on a table in the corner of the room. "Hello? Yes. Ball gag. Yes. Thank you." He hung up. "He's on his way."

"Mmm…"

Within a few minutes, the locksmith was there.

"Oh, it's THAT kind of birthday party, is it?" he asked. "You kids should be more careful of what you do with your keys."

In a few seconds, the gag was off. "HENTAI!" I yelled at Akio.

Akio smiled at the locksmith. "That was our safety word."

The locksmith nodded knowingly. "I see. Well, if you'll excuse me, there's a girl with a chastity belt that she lost the key to, so I should get going." With that, he left.

Akio began untying me from the chair. "I was thinking about feeding you cake while you were still tied to the chair, but I think you're mad enough at me as it is."

"That's never stopped you before!" I said angrily.

Akio thought for a moment. "Hey, that's right!" He retied me to the chair. "Thanks for reminding me!" he said cheerfully.

"Akio, the ropes hurt!" I lied.

"You're the bondage chick. Deal with it. Now open up. Here comes some cake."

The cake did look awfully good… I figured that if I played along long enough, he would untie me from the chair. Surprisingly, I was correct. It wasn't even five minutes before I was free.

I stood up. "Ahh… I'm free!"

Akio slipped a blindfold over my head.

"Ack! What are you blindfolding me for!"

"To make hitting the piñata challenging. It's no fair if you can see."

I laughed nervously. "A piñata, is that all?" I breathed in relief.

Akio coughed conspicuously. "Actually, this is a variation on the original game. This is what I call "strip piñata."

"WHAT?!"

"Whenever you miss hitting the piñata, you must remove an article of clothing."

"I was great at this game when I was a kid; I must be great at it now! Wish I had worn more layers of clothing, though…"

I felt Akio's hands around my waist, positioning me facing the piñata. "I'll go easy on you and won't even spin you around." He gave me a bat.

"I don't need your help." I wound up and swung. The bat made contact with------ nothing.

Akio snickered. Growling, I kicked off a shoe.

"Come on… both of them."

"If I wind up naked," I said, kicking off the other shoe, "you'll have hell to pay."

Five minutes later…

"Akio, I give up."

"No, you gotta keep going."

"But I only have my underwear left! I'm already half naked!!"

I had another idea. I would forfeit my last piece of clothing, but…

"Hey, Akio?"

"What?"

I swung—**HARD—**and hit Akio in what I hoped was a very tender area.

"GA**AAAAAHHH**….. can't… breathe… What did you do that for?" Akio asked me hoarsely.

"Why do you think?! I'm gonna shove this so far up your ass you won't get it back until you do your business tomorrow morning!!"

"Oww… oww oww oww…"

I laughed. "Now THAT was fun!"

Akio lifted his head and smirked. "I win."

"… … what?"

"Remember our deal? If you could go through the party without saying you were having fun, I take you back to Ohtori. And…"

"I just said that I was having fun… SHIMATTA!!"

"I win this one, Ri-chan."

TO BE CONTINUED…

Next episode: expect a parody of the classic but cheesy melodrama. This will probably be rated PG-13 at the very worst : "Boo hiss! Banzai! A Melodramatic Adventure!"

Fanpoll: If you review this story, tell me whom you think "won" in this chapter! Did I win for getting Akio with the cherry bomb and the bat, or did Akio win for tricking me? Feel free to share your feelings!


	5. Boo Hiss! Banzai! A Melodramatic Adventu...

The Adventures of Reanna and Akio

Part five: "Boo Hiss! Banzai! A Melodramatic Adventure!"

Production notes: I'd like to thank "Caro-chan" (read her stories on Fanfiction. They're good) for a line in this story she wishes me not to disclose. I'm just giving her credit, also for lending me the Escaflowne CDs I listened to while I wrote this. After the complete insanity of part four, I'm offering something halfway intelligent in this next part. However, as most of my insanity fics are, this story is very silly… I was hyper on Easter candy most of the time. Uh… also, eventually, Touga and Saionji, later in this story, develop a "Sergeant MacGuffin" way of insulting each other (If you haven't read Wishbringer, you had better; you won't regret it), so I'd like to give a special thanks to Craig Shaw Gardner. I have a good idea of what may be to come in the next episode. Perhaps a Castaway-type thing. Wow… me and Akio on a desert island… kowai.

The cast: The Lovely Damsel: Reanna

The Dastardly Villain: Akio

The Chivalrous Heroine: Utena

The Justice-Loving Sheriff: Juri

The Sheriff's Faithful Steed: you'll see!

The Kindly General Store Owner: Miki

The General Store's Pretty Assistant: Anshi

NARRATOR: It had been three months since Reanna, the Lovely Damsel—

AUDIENCE: (wolf whistle)

REANNA: Hey!

NARRATOR: --had started work at Kaoru's General Store, and she was just as happy as Spam.

REANNA: (as she sweeps the floor in her dress) That's clam! Happy as a clam! And what am I doing wearing this dress! The bust-line is way too low!

NARRATOR: It's your costume. Deal with it.

REANNA: (putting the broom down) Hey! Isn't this MY story?

MIKI: Reanna?

REANNA: Hai hai?

MIKI: Would you please stop arguing with the narrator and bring these groceries over to Juri, the Justice-Loving Sheriff? (he holds up a bag of groceries, then clicks his old-fashioned pocket watch)

REANNA: Sure! (she takes the package and heads out the door)

NARRATOR: (once REANNA is outside) Little did Reanna, the Lovely Damsel—

AUDIENCE: (wolf whistle)

REANNA: I said STOPPIT!

NARRATOR: -- know what, and who was waiting for her. (scary music)

REANNA: What? What do you mean? Are you trying to develop dramatic irony here or something, because I don't like it. You tell me what's going on right now.

NARRATOR: No.

REANNA: Yes! It's my story and I deserve to know what happens in it!

NARRATOR: Bite me.

REANNA: Why, you insolent… you tell me right now or you'll never narrate one of my fanfics again!

NARRATOR: There's no way I'm telling you. I wanna see you get kidnapped by the Dastardly Villain.

REANNA: NANI???!!!! There's a Dastardly Villain in this story? I'm going back to the General Store.

DASTARDLY VILLAIN: (evil laugh) Mwa haha… it's far too late for that!!

REANNA: (melodramatically) No! You're…

(The DASTARDLY VILLAIN steps out of the shadows to reveal AKIO, looking as he normally does, but wearing a lopsided black top hat and a black cape and wearing a weird handlebar mustache)

AKIO: (running a hand through Reanna's hair) I have something to ask you, my precious…

REANNA: (terrified) … W… what?

AKIO: … … Who the hell decided to give me this handlebar mustache? It really doesn't suit me! (he rips it off, but another one pops out in its place)

NARRATOR: AHEM! Yes, it was Akio, the Dastardly Villain!

AUDIENCE: Boo! Hiss!

AKIO: Wha… Hey, where's that booing coming from?

REANNA: Don't fight it. There's no way to stop it.

NARRATOR: Anyway, Reanna, the Lovely Damsel (wolf whistle from audience) was terrified and yet slightly aroused by the appearance of Akio, the Dastardly Villain. ("Boo, hiss" from audience)

REANNA: No I wasn't! Akio, did you mess with that script??

AKIO: (shrugs)… … Oh, that's right, I was supposed to kidnap you, wasn't I?

REANNA: (gasps overdramatically) No! Please!

(AKIO pulls out some rope)

REANNA: (making happy kitty face) Heehee… yay… (shakes her head) Er… I mean… No, get away from me!

AKIO: (laughs evilly)

(cut back to Kaoru's General Store)

NARRATOR: Back at Kaoru's General Store, Juri, the Justice-loving Sheriff—

AUDIENCE: Hi ho Silver!

NARRATOR: --has arrived just a little too late to save Reanna, the Lovely Damsel. (wolf whistle)

REANNA: (distantly) Cut it out!!

(JURI rides up to the store on a horse that looks suspiciously like two people in a horse costume)

FRONT END: Get your head out of my butt, Saionji!

BACK END: Get your BUTT off my HEAD, Touga!

JURI: Stop fighting, you two! We have a melodrama to act out!

(JURI enters the store)

MIKI: Well, how are you, Juri-sempai? You look as mad as wool in a vagina swap. (note from author: sorry. There just aren't many words that rhyme with china)

ANSHI: (while polishing counter) Miki, I believe that's "bull in a china shop."

MIKI: (blushes pure red) Oh. Sorry!

JURI: Er… that's okay. Anyway, I came in to tell you that Akio is on the loose again.

ANSHI: (gasps) You mean, Akio, as in Akio the Dastardly Villain?

JURI: The same. So I suggest you lock away your wives… and daughters… and sons… and pets… and livestock…

MIKI: Oh, dear… Reanna just went out to deliver you your groceries!

JURI: What?

MIKI: I said, Reanna just went out to deliver you your groceries!

JURI: No, I said "what?" as a rhetorical question, requiring no answer. I merely used it out of astonishment.

MIKI: (shrugs) Oh. Okay. I wonder if she ever made it to your place.

AKIO: She didn't!

(scary music)

NARRATOR: Who should show up there in the store but Akio, the Bastardly Villain,

AUDIENCE: Boo! Hiss!

AKIO: Hey! That's "Dastardly!" Right, Ri-chan? (chuckles evilly)

REANNA: Eep! Somebody help me!!

NARRATOR: -- accompanied by a tied and terrified Reanna! (the Lovely Damsel)

AUDIENCE: (wolf whistle)

REANNA: I mean it! Stop doing that! (to AKIO) And untie me right now!!

NARRATOR: Reanna (wolf whistle) struggled strenuously, but failed to free herself from the restrictive ropes!

REANNA: Will you shut up!

NARRATOR: But I'm practicing my alliteration!

REANNA: Then talk about something relevant! (AKIO stuffs a cloth in her mouth) MMmmpph mmmphh!! (a drop of blood flows from her nose)

AKIO: (turns to JURI, MIKI and ANSHI, holding up a gun) All of you! Get your pants down!… … er… I mean, get your hands up!

(all of them look confused, and then put their hands up)

AKIO: (points to MIKI) You! Give me all the money in that cash register!

MIKI: But… I thought you wanted me to put my hands up.

AKIO: You can put them down then.

(MIKI begins to put the money in a bag)

AKIO: Oh… and would you have any whipped cream?

ANSHI: What for?

(AKIO looks at REANNA and smirks)

REANNA: MMMPHHH MMMMM!!!!

ANSHI: No, Akio-san, but we have peanut butter.

AKIO: (thinks it over, then shrugs) Sure. I'll take that.

REANNA: (looks murderously at Anshi and manages to spit the cloth out) Thanks a lot!

ANSHI: (sweetly) Oh, you're welcome. Oh. And… Akio-san…

AKIO: Yes?

ANSHI: … … What's up with that crazy handlebar mustache?

AKIO: Er… uh… (he tries pulling it off again, but another one grows in its place, then shrugs and takes the peanut butter)

REANNA: Miki-chan, help me!!

MIKI: (holds up some papers) But, Reanna-sempai, it says right here in the script that you are to be kidnapped by Akio, the Dastardly Villain—

AUDIENCE: Boo! Hiss!

MIKI: --just before he holds up my store!

AKIO: Uh, Miki-kun, what does the script say next?

MIKI: Uh, let's see… (turns the page) It says that you are to get away with Reanna and the money and go back to your hideout.

AKIO: Oh, that's right! See ya later! (he turns and leaves the store)

REANNA: Miki-chan, help me! MIKI-CHAN!!!!

NARRATOR: Alas, Akio departed, the dastardly deed done, cautiously carrying the fettered female!

REANNA: Will you please CUT THAT OUT! And LET ME GOOOOO!!!

(cut back to interior of store)

MIKI: (still reading from the script and sounds like it) Oh no! This is horrible!

JURI: (grabs the script) Gimme that! (she throws it away) We have only one recourse! We must call Utena, the Chivalrous Heroine!

AUDIENCE: Banzai!

JURI: (looking around) What was that?

MIKI: Just ignore it. (he clicks his pocket watch)

JURI: Come on! We must go to my sheriff's office, where we can use the Rose Signal to summon Utena!

NARRATOR: And so Juri, the Justice-loving Sheriff—

AUDIENCE: Hi ho Silver!

NARRATOR: -- ran out and boarded her rusty speed!

JURI: That's "trusty steed!"

NARRATOR: Oh. Sorry.

TOUGA: (to SAIONJI) It's all you fault Akio got away, you stupid rear end!

SAIONJI: (to TOUGA) No, it's your fault, you moronic front end!

JURI: Stop arguing! (JURI hops onto them)

TOUGA and SAIONJI: OW!!!

JURI: Now! Back to the sheriff's office!

NARRATOR: And so, Juri, the Justice-Loving Sheriff (Hi ho Silver!) galloped back to the sheriff's office to activate the Rose Signal to summon Utena!

(JURI gallops off, followed by MIKI and ANSHI on their own horses)

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Akio (boo! Hiss!) had taken Reanna (wolf whistle) to his shady hideout, where she was becoming increasingly aroused by the situation—

REANNA: (tied to a chair) No I'm not!! … … Well… maybe a little… (to AKIO) Even so! I want you to let me go, right now!

AKIO: It's useless to struggle.

REANNA: Did the narrator give you that cheesy old line? What are you going to do with me anyway?

AKIO: (whispering in REANNA'S ear) Whatever I want.

REANNA: (turned on) Oh, WOW… I mean… You'll never get away with this!… … … Ick, did I just SAY that?

(AKIO kisses REANNA on the ear)

REANNA: (even as her nose bleeds) I'm not scared… my friends will save me! Eew, there's another cheesy line…

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back in town, Juri, the Justice-Loving Sheriff (Hi ho silver), Anshi, the General Store's Pretty Assistant, (Hai, hai!) and Miki, the Kindly General Store Owner (*kachi*) were gathered at the magnificent and marvelous Rose Signal, preparing to summon the Chivalrous Heroine, the mysterious Utena (Banzai!).

JURI: We can't summon Utena.

MIKI: Why not?

JURI: Akio stole a part necessary to make this machine work!

ANSHI: Oh. Well, I'm sure if we ask nicely, he'd give it back.

(mass facefault)

ANSHI: It's okay, I'll head on over to his hideout and get it back.

TOUGA: It's your fault Akio stole that part!

SAIONJI: It's your fault Reanna was kidnapped!

TOUGA: Idiot!

SAIONJI: Baka!

TOUGA: Moron!

SAIONJI: Numbskull!

TOUGA: Simpleton!

SAIONJI: Clod!

TOUGA: Jerk!

SAIONJI: Yeast infection!

TOUGA: Lime Jell-O!

SAIONJI: Wombat feces!

TOUGA: Politician!

SAIONJI: Ooh, now that was low…

ANSHI: Now, now, Horsey, stop arguing with yourself so you can take me to Akio's hideout! (she hops on and rides dramatically to the horizon, with TOUGA and SAIONJI still arguing)

TOUGA: Hairball!

SAIONJI: Ingrown toenail!

TOUGA: Gastropod!

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back at Akio's (Boo! Hiss!) shady hideout, Reanna (catcalls) was still sitting, firmly fastened to the silven seat!

REANNA: Please… I can't take much more cheesy alliteration!

NARRATOR: Heehee… I have a captive congregation! A averse audience!

REANNA: (crying Sailor Moon type tears) Stop it!!!!

NARRATOR: Just when the disgusted damsel thought she could stand no more, she head voices from outside her prison!

TOUGA: Foot fungus!

SAIONJI: Tooth decay!

REANNA: Is someone there? Somebody, please help me!

ANSHI: It's me, Reanna-sempai!

REANNA: Anshi!! Please, come in here and save me!

ANSHI: Reanna-sempai? Do you see anything that looks like a machine part in there?

REANNA: (looks around) Why, yes, on the table in front of me!

ANSHI: Wonderful! (ANSHI enters to the sound of TOUGA and SAIONJI still insulting each other)

REANNA: Anshi! I'm so happy you came to rescue me!

ANSHI: (picking up the machine part) Actually, I just came to get this machine part so we can summon Utena-sama, the Chivalrous Heroine (Banzai!) so she can save you!

REANNA: Anshi… why can't you just untie me?

ANSHI: Well, because Miss Juri (Hi ho Silver!) said that she was going to summon Utena-sama to save you.

REANNA: (struggles) Anshi, just untie me, that's all it takes!

ANSHI: Don't worry, Miss Reanna! Utena-sama will be along soon!

REANNA: (as ANSHI leaves) I'm never gonna get out of here…

(cut to exterior of AKIO'S shady hideout)

ANSHI: (getting on TOUGA and SAIONJI) Let's get back to the town!

TOUGA: (as they gallop off) Halitosis!

SAIONJI: Cellulose!

NARRATOR: Before long, Anshi (Hai, hai!) returned to the town with the machine part!

TOUGA: Eczema!

SAIONJI: Bladder blockage!

TOUGA: Hallucinogen!

SAIONJI: Licorice jellybean!

ANSHI: Look, everyone! I have the machine part!

MIKI: Anshi, that's wonderful! Now we can summon Utena! (Banzai!)

JURI: Here. I'll take that. (JURI takes the part and fits it into the machine and turns it on)

(The machine begins humming, then projects a picture of the Rose Signet onto the sky, at the same time playing the Shoujo Kakumei Overture at an unbearable volume)

UTENA: Hai, hai, I'm coming!

(UTENA walks out of a tavern, not ten feet away. Everyone facefaults)

UTENA: What's wrong?

MIKI: Utena-sempai, Akio robbed my store and kidnapped Reanna!

UTENA: How horrible! Well, I must go rescue her! (she turns to JURI) May I borrow your horse?

JURI: Sure.

TOUGA: Shikima!

SAIONJI: Stupidy-stupid head!

TOUGA: Volkswagon!

SAIONJI: Cumwad!

JURI: Hey! HEY! Ahem. Readers, on behalf of the author and the characters, I would like to apologize for what Saionji just said. Thank you.

(UTENA jumps on TOUGA and SAIONJI and rides off onto the distance)

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Reanna, the Lovely Damsel (catcalls and wolf whistles) found herself in a foreboding fix, being tightly tied to a set of railroad tracks! Will our hardy heroine be able to free this frightened female?

REANNA: I don't think I can stand that narrator anymore!

(REANNA is being tied to the tracks in a very unconventional way. With her hands tied above her head on one tie, and her feet tied to separate rails…)

AKIO: Ri-chan, have you ever been tied to railroad tracks before?

REANNA: No…

AKIO: Do you know why I'm doing this?

REANNA: So I'll get run over by an oncoming train?

AKIO: (laughs) No, of course not! What kind of devil do you think I am?

REANNA: Then… why?

AKIO: Well, to tell you the truth… I've always wondered what it would be like to have sex on railroad tracks.

REANNA: … … … **SCREEEAAAAAAAAMMMMM!!!!!!**… … I was wondering why I'm not wearing anything.

AKIO: See? There's a reasonable explanation for everything.

REANNA: (shrugs in her ropes and nods)

(Suddenly, UTENA leaps onto AKIO and starts beating him up)

REANNA: Ow… I almost feel sorry for him.

NARRATOR: Before long, the vicious villain was lying lethargically on the grassy ground!

REANNA: **whine**…****

UTENA: Reanna-sempai, I've come to save you!

REANNA: Utena! My hero! Ugh, did I just say that??

JURI: No! I will save Reanna-sempai!

REANNA: Well, just as long as one of you saves me, I don't care…

AKIO: Curses… foiled… again…

REANNA: Would someone untie me?

TOUGA: Bubonic plague!

SAIONJI: Ignoramus!

UTENA: I shall be the one to rescue Reanna! After all, I'm the Chivalrous Heroine!

JURI: But I am the Justice-Loving Sheriff! I will save Reanna!

REANNA: Save me!

(AKIO has meanwhile crept back over to REANNA with the jar of peanut butter)

REANNA: EEEEWWWW!! Get away from meeee!! Oooh, that's nice… uh, I mean, EEEEEEEKKK! SOMEBODY SAVE ME!!

NARRATOR: Suddenly, what should appear but a looming locomotive! Can our dependent damsel get out of this perilous pickle?

REANNA: Uh guys, you may want to hurry up, a train's coming…

TOUGA: Brain tumor!

SAIONJI: Gym teacher!

UTENA: I know how we'll determine who will save Reanna?

JURI: How?

REANNA: Uh… please, hurry up?

JURI: Okay. Rock, paper, scissors…

REANNA: WILL SOMEONE PLEASE LISTEN TO ME?!

UTENA: (bending down) Yeesh, Reanna! Be patient! It's not like you're the center of the universe or anything!

JURI: Yeah! You gotta be considerate and start thinking about someone other than yourself!

(JURI stuffs a gag in REANNA'S mouth)

REANNA: MMMM!!! MMMMPPPHHH!!

UTENA: Ah. Better.

JURI: Much better. Now, where were we? Ah yes…

REANNA: mmmmppphhhh…

NARRATOR: The terrible train is briskly bearing down on Reanna, the Lovely and Very Very Terrified and Very Very Naked Damsel!

REANNA: (angrily) MMMMPPPPHHHH!!!!!

MIKI: Reanna! Reanna, are you rescued yet?

REANNA: (overjoyed) MMpph!!

NARRATOR: Yes, Miki, that sweet seventh-grader had come to check on how the rescue was turning out, accompanied by an anxious Anshi!

ANSHI: Reanna-sempai, why are you tied to those railroad tracks? You could get hurt!

REANNA: MMMPPPHH!! (translation: "No kidding!")

MIKI: Reanna, you'll have to speak up. I can't understand what you're saying.

REANNA: MM MM MM MMMMPPPHHH!!!

(REANNA looks down the tracks to see the train coming ever closer to her and begins thrashing harder to get free)

UTENA: Reanna is mine!

JURI: I'll be the hero this time, Utena!

TOUGA: Hangnail!

SAIONJI: Booger!

TOUGA: Prostrate cancer!

MIKI: Reanna, you really need to improve your diction and stop mumbling.

ANSHI: And get up off those railroad tracks before something happens.

(TOO LATE! The train bears down on them and…)

I was startled awake by Akio shaking my shoulder. "NOOO!!!"

Akio smirked. "Something wrong? Did you have a scary dream?"

"Y.. yes, I did! And you were there… and Utena was there… and Miki, and Anshi…"

Akio smiled. "Ah, that's nice. Anyway, we're almost to the theater. I think you'll enjoy this. I bought tickets to one of those cheesy musical melodramas. It's called, "Nurses! Foiled Again!" I think it'll really be fun!"

"Wh… what?"

"I know, I know, I come up with all the best ideas…"

I looked at Akio for the first time since I had woken up. I screamed… and fainted.

"Hmm. I wonder what's wrong with her!" Akio murmured, pulling at his handlebar mustache thoughtfully.

TO BE CONTINUED…


	6. Virgin? Reanna Versus the Volcano!

The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio

Episode Six: "Virgin? Reanna Versus the Volcano!"

By Reanna King

**Notes: I can't believe I'm already writing part six of this crazy fic. I think the last one was good, and I think this one will prove to be good too! I'd like to thank Caro-chan for the idea about Miki's stopwatch being the equivalent of ****Wilson**** in "Castaway." For those of you wondering, Seiko is a brand of watch. It may seem like I'm making fun of Miki in this, but really, I just love Miki to pieces. So don't worry. Anyway, in this fic, I take the ecchi adventures to a new level of excitement! And what's a chapter of TEAORAA without a little sexual exploitation? I thought of all the stories and movies that involved being stranded on an island… and I think I've managed to put together something rather amusing (at least to me, but I'm extremely perverted). Again, to my readers: this story is a lime. Read it at your own risk, and most importantly: Enjoy!**

**What can my faithful readers expect next? Even I'm not sure yet, but if it's what I have in mind, it'll be this saga's wildest chapter yet!**

When I regained consciousness (from what?), I was aware that I was lying down. I also was aware that I was wet. No, not in the dirty way, but wet as in saturated with water. The other thing that I was aware of was a pair of lips upon my own. Who could this be? Perhaps some incredible bishounen with long flowing hair and gentle eyes? I opened my eyes and saw… Akio.

"Ewww!! What do you think you were doing?!" I yelled, bolting up.

Akio shrugged. "Well, actually, I was just… saving your life."

I suddenly remembered what had happened. The student council had been chasing us in the Seitokai Car on the docks, and we stopped paying attention and went off one of the piers into the water. I looked around me. The scenery implied that we had somehow washed up on a desert island, and, true to its nature, the Akio Car had managed to survive this, and was sitting not far away on the beach, half-buried in sand. "Since when is kissing a survival technique?"

Akio smiled smugly. "I was giving you mouth-to-mouth."

"Like hell you were. Now, where are the others?"

Akio shrugged. "I don't know. They must have ended up somewhere else."

"Well then, we have to go look for them and make sure they're all right!" I got up dizzily and looked around. The beach stretched on for a ways before curving off. Not far away, the beach melted into jungle, and at where I figured the center of the island was, stood a massive cone volcano. "This island doesn't look all that big. It shouldn't take us long to find at least some sign of them. We'll split up. You go that way, and I'll go this way." I pointed in two different directions that would send us in separate ways along the beach.

"But—" Akio started.

"See you later!" I shouted, and ran off. I was free! I was finally free of Akio! Sure I was on a deserted island, but I was still free! I ran off into the jungle. My whoop of joy turned into a shriek of fear as I suddenly felt myself falling.

I landed with a thud at the bottom of a manmade pitfall and a big net fashioned out of grass fell on top of me. "What's going on here?" I yelled. Team Rocket couldn't possibly be on this island, could they? "Hello? Somebody help me out of here!"

Suddenly I heard a voice. "Hey! I caught something! I told you this would work!"

I heard another voice. "Well, I'm starved. Hurry and get it out."

"Cannibals!" I moaned. "Dareka, tasukete!"

Then I finally saw the face of my captor… Miki! "Reanna-chan! What are you doing down there? Seiko, look!"

"Miki-chan!" I cried joyously. "… … Who's Seiko?"

"Oh, of course!" Miki held up his stopwatch. "Seiko, this is Reanna. Reanna, this is Seiko!" Miki paused and looked at his stopwatch for a moment, before saying, "No, we're not going to eat her."

Juri's face appeared next to Miki's. "Miki… uh…" Her face twisted into an incredulous one. "Seiko is just a watch. It can't speak. It is not capable of being your friend."

Miki's eyes welled up with tears, and he began sniffling. "Sniff… sniff… oh, Seiko… no one believes in you…"

Juri slapped her forehead. "Oh, I was just kidding. Don't worry, Miki, I believe in Seiko! Now come on, let's get Reanna out of that hole."

Meanwhile, somewhere else on the island, Akio walked along the beach, enjoying the scenery, and, every once in a while, looking for some sign of the Seitokai. Finally, he heard voices.

"Moron…" one voice said weakly.

"Halfwit…" the other said equally weakly.

"Acid head…"

"Mutation…"

"Touga? Saionji? Is that you?" Akio said, running up to the two bodies, lying still in the sand, except for their jabbering mouths.

"Yeah…" Touga murmured, barely audible. "It was all Saionji's fault that we got separated…"

"No, I believe it was Touga's fault…" Saionji muttered, not bothering to move or to look at either Touga or Akio.

"All right, get up, we have to find the others."

Somewhere else on the island, Utena and Anshi were thinking about other things than finding the others.

"Look, Utena-sama, there's some fruit up in that tree!"

"Ahem!" Utena coughed. "I thought we agreed that I am to be called…?"

"**sigh…** Look, **Prince** Utena, there's some fruit up in that tree!"

"Really?" Utena gasped. "Where! Ooh, that looks good! Let's see if we can get it down!" Utena approached the tree and began shaking it back and forth.

"That's it, Miss—er… Prince Utena!"

Utena kept shaking until two things fell out of the tree.

"Wait, those aren't fruits…" Utena said.

"Chi-Chi! Cha-Cha! What are you doing here?" Anshi asked.

"Chi-Chi!"

"Cha-Cha!"

"That's great, but we have to find the others! Come on!" Anshi said.

"So what were you doing digging a hole in the first place, Miki?" I asked as we walked, trying to find sign of the other members of the Seitokai, Utena or Anshi.

"We were trying to catch something to eat," Juri said.

"Well, even if you had caught some animal, how would you have killed it? How would you have made the fire to cook it? What would you done about the vegetarian in this group? What would you have done about—THEM???!!!!"

"Utena! Anshi!" Miki cried.

"Hi, Miki-kun!" Utena replied.

"Chi…" Chi-Chi smirked.

"Cha…" Cha-Cha grinned.

"Oh nooooooooo!!!!" I shrieked, turning to run. Unfortunately, with a leaping bound, the evil little monkey mice managed to jump into my clothes. "YEEEEEEEEKKKK!!! Get them ooouuuuut!"

Anshi smiled. "Oh, I think they like you, Reanna-sempai!"

"Help… meeeee… Oh! Whoooaaaaa!! Ehhhhh… &#$*@%&#$%WOW!!! … eep…" THUD. I crumpled to the ground.

"They seem to be getting along very well, don't they?" Anshi smiled to Utena.

"Chi-Chi! Cha-Cha! That's enough!" Akio's voice called.

From my comfy spot on the forest floor, I observed Akio, Touga and Saionji approaching. I felt the pernicious little critters scamper out of my underclothes and watched them perch on each of Akio's shoulders. "Good job." He smiled at me. "I figured that if I let them go at you, then I could find you by following the sound of your screams."

"Oh, brilliant…" I moaned, still tingling.

"It's your fault Reanna got molested," Touga hissed to Saionji. "You disgusting green freak of nature!"

"It's definitely all your fault," Saionji spat back. "Baka!"

"Are we all together now?" Juri asked. "Because," she continued, "I suggest that we take care of the following: Food, shelter, water, and whether we're all really on an island or not."

"Yeesh," Saionji scoffed. "Who died and made her the empress?"

"Shut up!" Touga whispered.

"Okay," Akio said. "Touga and Saionji, you scout the island's perimeter and determine if this is truly an island. Juri and Miki, I want you to find us some fresh water. Utena and Anshi can search for some food. And Ri-chan and I…" he smirked. "Will concentrate on fashioning a shelter."

"Right!" Utena and Anshi said simultaneously, and ran off into the jungle.

"You've got it!" Miki and Juri said, and ran off in another direction.

"I bet I can find civilization!" Saionji said.

"I bet I can prove we're on an island before you do!" Touga retorted, and they both ran away.

"Wait… don't leave me here with… him!" I called. "Wait… take me with you… please…"

"Hey, Ri-chan, do you hear that sound?" Akio asked.

"If you say it's voices calling out from the Ends of the World, you lose it," I muttered.

"No, listen…"

I quieted down and listened. Once I did, I heard what sounding like the beating of drums. "Let's follow them!"

We ran off in the direction of the drums and followed the sound for about a quarter of a mile until we finally stopped hearing them.

"Where'd the sound go?" I asked.

"I'm not sure… but I think we just found our shelter!" Akio pointed to a cave lying less than twenty feet from the edge of the water with plenty of space and a wide opening.

"You don't suppose the drums… led us to them, do you?"

Akio shrugged. "But… now that we've completed our objective…" He smirked.

"CHI!"

"CHA!"

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!"

"Where do you think we should look next, Seiko-chan?" Miki asked.

Juri sighed. "This isn't getting us anywhere."

"You say we should look over there, Seiko-chan? Okay, let's go!" Miki jogged off in a random direction.

"Miki-kun! Wait! Do you hear that?"

"What?"

"Listen!"

Miki paused. "Seiko-chan, be quiet, so we can hear!… … Jungle drums?"

"Come on, Miki-kun, let's follow them!"

"Come on, Seiko-chan!!"

They followed the drums for some time until they came to a spring brimming with fresh water. There, the sound of the drums stopped.

"Hey… the drums stopped, Seiko-chan! What do you think about that?"

"Hmm… it almost seems as if the drums led us to the water…"

"Utena, I hear drums!"

"**Ahem!**"

"… … **Prince** Utena, I hear drums!"

"… Hey, I hear them too! Let's follow them!"

Utena and Anshi followed the drums until they came to a sunny clearing where, in numerous crudely made wicker baskets, they found freshly caught fish, fresh fruits and vegetables and warm bread.

"This… doesn't seem possible!" Utena marveled.

"And yet, here it is… … Prince Utena."

"Do you think the drums could have…?" Utena wondered aloud.

"Whatever you think, Miss… Prince Utena!"

"Come on, let's go get this stuff back to the others!"

"It's your fault we got lost, you piece of pond scum!"

"No, I believe it is completely your fault, you piece of dirty chewing gum that's been ground into the pavement and walked over hundreds of times over with filthy shoes!"

"Wait a minute, you pesky parasite! Do you hear that?"

"Yes, I do, you flirtatious freeloader!"

The two turned to each other with murderous glares in their eyes. "IT'S THE SOUND OF YOUR TINY, LILLIPUTIAN BRAIN RATTLING AROUND IN YOUR THICK SKULL!!" they both screamed simultaneously.

"Come on," Touga said. "I think if we walk around this fuming, active volcano, we'll make it back to the beach…"

About an hour later, all eight of us were back at the beach at our cave, and just in time, as it was almost nightfall.

"Well. Shall we set about building a fire?" Miki asked.

"No need," Akio said. "I used the cigarette lighter from my car to start a little campfire. See?" He pointed to a spot just outside the cave a few yards away, where a small fire was blazing.

"Yay! Let's get some dinner cooking!" Utena said.

KABOOOOOOMMM!! Before we knew it, sheets of rain came pouring down on all of us.

Akio looked at me and smirked. "Ri-chan, you're… wet."

"Oh shut up."

"It's all your fault it started to rain."

"No, it's YOUR fault!"

BBZZZZZZTT!

"It's entirely YOUR fault I got struck by … lightnin….ng…" THUD!

"Come on, everyone, let's go inside," Juri sighed.

So we all brought the food and water inside the cave, which suddenly seemed much darker and colder once night had come and it had started raining.

Miki sat alone with Seiko-chan, talking to it…. er… him. The conversation went something like this:

MIKI: So what do you think about those drums, Seiko-chan?

SEIKO: … …

MIKI: Come on! Speak up!

SEIKO: … …

MIKI: Oh, the silent treatment, huh?

SEIKO: … …

MIKI: Seiko-chan, please speak to me!

SEIKO: … … 

MIKI: Fine! Who needs you anyway?!

Miki tossed Seiko-chan out of the cave into the rain. He sat there for a few minutes… then ran out into the rain. "SEIKOOO-CHAAAAAANN I'M SORRRYYYYY!!"

"It's your fault Miki went postal."

"Nope. It's yours."

"Shut up."

"You shut up first."

I yawned. "I'm just about ready to go to sleep…" I gathered up some old palm leaves and lay down on them.   
"Want me to keep you company?"

"No way."

"Want Chi-Chi and Cha-Cha to keep you company?"

"How about when hell freezes over?" I had responsibly set up our bed arrangements so that Juri and Miki were between Akio and I, and Utena and Anshi were between Touga and Saionji.

Miki came rushing back into the cave, soaking wet and holding Seiko-chan tenderly. "Seiko-chan… I'm so sorry…" he sobbed. "I'll never spurn or reject you ever again!!"

SEIKO-CHAN: … …

"I love you too, Seiko-chan!!" Miki wept joyfully.

I felt my eyelids growing heavy. Finally, I let myself drift off to sleep.

**When morning came…**

"The girls are gone!!" Akio cried.

"It's your fault," Touga and Saionji said to each other.

"Seiko-chan, did you see what happened to them?" Miki asked.

"This is awful!" Akio said, looking all around the cave and just outside the cave, checking to see if maybe we had just stepped out for a moment.

"There must be a logical reason for the fact that only the girls are gone!" Miki said.

"I bet you five thousand yen they went off in search of another cave!" Touga said to Saionji.

"I bet you TEN thousand yen they were eaten by cannibals!" Saionji countered.

"Don't talk like that!" Miki wailed. "… … Seiko-chan is very sensitive…"

**Later that day, elsewhere on the island…**

"Hey!" I yelled. "When are you guys gonna untie us?"

"Utena-sama, I don't think these natives mean well…"

"I kinda got that idea when they kidnapped us from our cave last night," Juri said.

"Do you think they're going to eat us?" Anshi whispered.

"I hope not," I shuddered. "That's no fun…"

A man in a loincloth who looked to be the chief of these natives walked up to us, chewing on a stick of pocky. "Now," he said. "how many virgins do we have here?"

"Eehhhh??" we all asked at the same time, rather confused.

The chief shrugged. "You see, our volcano god is very picky. He only wants the purest virgins thrown into our mighty volcano. So? Who's a virgin?"

Utena and Anshi shrugged and shook their heads.

He looked to Juri.

"You touch me and you'll have to deal with something worse than a volcanic eruption!" she growled.

He looked to me.

I laughed nervously. "Me? A virgin?… Haha… what a funny idea… uh…"

Anshi smiled cheerfully. "Don't be silly, Reanna-sempai! We all know that you're still a virgin!"

**gulp…**

"Uh, Anshi? Remember? I'm not a virgin anymore, right?"

"Yes, I do believe you are!"

"No I'm not?"

"Reanna-sempai, you're such a kidder!"

"Do you WANT me to die?!"

The chief sighed. "Well… there's only one way to find out."

"Find out what?" I asked.

"If you're a virgin." He snapped his fingers and a couple other natives came to his side.

"You mean…" I shuddered.

The chief turned to the two men. "Take the girl and go find out if she's a virgin for me, okay?"

"YEEK! PUT ME DOWN! NOOO!! DON'T YOU DARE!!"

"Don't worry, Reanna-sempai! It'll all be over in a minute!" Utena called.

"Have fun, Reanna-sempai!" Anshi called cheerfully.

"HEELLLP MEEE!! IF YOU TOUCH ME, I'LL…"

As the screaming sounds faded out, Utena turned to Juri. "Say, how do they find out if she's a virgin, anyway?"

Juri rolled her eyes and whispered to Utena. "Well, they'll probably whisper whisper whisper whisper whisper…"

"They'll WHAT?!"

"EEEEEYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

"I think we're too late."

"She is a virgin!"

"No thanks to you, you perverts!!" I screamed. "What's the deal, using a sharp stick anyway, eh?! It probably had bugs crawling on it and I'm surprised I didn't get splinters…"

"Reanna?" Juri said.

"Yes, Juri?" I asked.

"We don't want to hear about it."

"Excuse me?" I shouted to the natives that were carrying me. "I can walk! You can untie me now!"

One of the men smiled cheerfully. "Oh, there's no need for that, since we've confirmed your virginity! Now you have the privilege of being the sacrifice that will satisfy our great volcano god!"

"Tell your volcano god to eat it!"

"I'm afraid," said an old man with a long beard, "that our volcano has been more active than usual lately. Just yesterday, it shook the entire island, demanding sacrifice. We found you and your friends upon the island, and so we provided you with food and shelter, and, during the night, brought the four of you to our village."

"In other words, kidnapped," I corrected.

"The drums…" Juri realized.

"Why be so hospitable," Utena asked, "if you're planning on sacrificing one of us?"

The old man smiled kindly. "Ma'am, we welcome all visitors to our island. Is one measly little virgin so much to ask for our hospitality. After the sacrifice, the remaining seven of you are perfectly welcome to join in our ritual festivities."

"Where does that leave me?" I demanded. "Can't you use something other than a virgin?"

"That's right! We don't subscribe to your religion!" a voice said.

"Religion?" the chief asked. "Who said anything about religion? We just do this for fun every once in a while!"

I looked to the voice that spoke. "Miki-chan!" I cried, seeing that the man had finally arrived to save us.

Akio shook his head. "Tisk, tisk, Ri-chan. If you had just listened to me in the first place, you wouldn't be in this predicament."

"What do you mean?"

"If you hadn't been so stubborn… you wouldn't even be eligible for this sacrifice. Ironic, isn't it?"

"It's your fault Reanna's still a virgin," Saionji growled.

"No, it's totally your—"

"Shut up!"

"You know, one of you could be rescuing me right now!" I reminded them.

"How could it have taken you all day to find us, anyway?" Utena asked. Had it already been a day since we were kidnapped. It was already late afternoon!

**Later that night…**

"Are you enjoying your stay in our sacrificial suite?" I heard one of the guards outside my hut say.

"Oh, yeah, I'm having the time of my life," I muttered sarcastically. "I absolutely adore being tied to stakes sticking out of the ground in a cold little hut with possibly poisonous insects crawling all over me, all the while not being able to think about anything but the inevitable, impending doom in my future."

The guard smiled. "Oh, that's good to hear. Just call if you need anything."

"Oh, great…"

I decided to just lay down and try to sleep. The fact that I was tied up (if I didn't know I would die the next day, I could have enjoyed it, but noooooo…) prevented my escape, and the guards outside prevented anyone from rescuing me…

_I suddenly felt a hand over my mouth. "Mmm??"_

_"Shh…" said Akio. "You'll wake up the guards."_

_"Sorry."_

_"You know," he said. "There's only one way out of this for you, isn't there?"_

_"Are you insane?"_

_"Reanna.__ What I'm about to do is for your own good…"_

I woke up with a start. What an awful dream! I opened my eyes and screamed, before Akio clapped his hand over my mouth. "MMMM…"

"Shh. You'll wake everyone up." He lifted his hand off my mouth.

"How did you get in here?" I whispered.

"Touga and Saionji took care of the guards. I have a plan."

I was expecting what he was about to say. "Akio… please… don't…"

Akio looked at me with a puzzled expression. "You mean?… Please! You didn't honestly think that I would--?"

"Uh… sorry…" I said, extremely embarrassed, but feeling a new respect for him. "Then… what's your plan?"

"We're going to fake it!"

My new respect for Akio fell to the floor and shattered into a million pieces. "Are you insane? That'll never work!"

"Just pretend! It's to save your own life! Make some convincing noises for a few minutes, then I'll run out and no one will ever know the truth!"

"You must be joking!"

Akio sighed and shook his head. "Then I'll have to take matters into my own hands." He pulled out Chi-Chi and Cha-Cha.

I gasped. "Don't you dare!… … At least… untie me first… no wait…"

"It's for your own good." Then, to Chi-Chi and Cha-Cha, "Make it really convincing. Remember, Ri-chan's life is on the line! Touga! Saionji! Guard the entrance until they're done!"

"Why me…"

Utena woke up to the sound of screaming.

"AAHHOHHHEEEEYYAAAAAHHHH…"

"What's going on in here?" the chief asked, barging into my hut.

I could only pant. My answer came out thus: "Akio… hentai… monkeys… tied up… came… too much… tired…"

Akio, however, proved more articulate. "You've just lost your sacrificial virgin!" he lied.

"Did you do this?" the chief asked, horrified.

"Yes, it was me!" Akio admitted proudly.

The chief paused. "This is a most serious crime. You shall be executed."

Akio screamed.

**Meanwhile, back at Ohtori…**

"Did you hear? Did you hear? Did you hear Akio squeal?"

"I did! I did! Like a little girl!"

**That evening…**

"I'm gonna die!" I moaned as I stood at the brink of the volcano.

"You're the one who decided to tell the chief the truth about last night," Akio reminded.

"It's your fault—"

"Shut up!"

Then there came a loud rumbling, and a shaking from the volcano that shook the entire island.

"It's time," said the old man with the beard.

"No… please…" I pleaded, just before I was shoved in. "NOOOOOO!!!"

"Oh…" Anshi murmured. "How horrible…"

"That's it?" Touga asked. "No ceremony, no ritual, you just… shove her in?!"

"You don't think a party afterwards is enough?"

Suddenly, with a blast of hot air, I found myself back at the edge of the volcano, lying on the ground.

"It spat her out?!" Saionji asked.

"It's a miracle!" Miki cried.

"There are no such things as miracles!!" Juri roared.

"Oh. That's right…" Miki sighed.

"Let's try it again," the chief said.

"NOOOO!!" I cried just before I went over again.

A pause…

"Oh…" Anshi murmured. "How horrible…"

"YAAAAHHH!!" I was back outside the volcano again. The ground quaked, and the volcano rumbled and shook for about thirty seconds.

"The volcano has spoken!" the old man said, raising his arms dramatically.

"SPOKEN?!" we all cried.

"The volcano says that it does not want the girl!"

"Well, why the hell not? Aren't I good enough?" I asked indignantly.

The old man sighed and shook his head solemnly. "It's because the girl… she is… … … not a virgin!"

"WHAATT?!" everyone (even me) cried out.

"The volcano says that she is not a virgin, so she is not a virgin!"

"Then," Miki asked, "what does it want?"

"It says that it does not know what to call it. But it describes it as a shiny red rock that washed up on the beach two days ago."

Akio's knees got weak. "M-my car?!"

"That must be it!" Utena agreed. "Akio, you'll have to go back down to the beach and drive the Akio Car up here to the volcano!"

"I can't shove my car into a volcano…" Akio sniveled.

"Then," the chief said quietly, "it will erupt and kill us all."

I turned to the old man. "How long do we have?"

"Twenty minutes at the most," the old man replied.

"Come on, Akio, let's get the lead out!" I grabbed hold of Akio's wrist and began running down the slope, the rumbling of the volcano never getting quieter, even when we reached the beach.

"Start it up, Akio!" I said as I hopped in.

Akio got in the car. "I've had some great times in this car…"

"I don't care about your car's sex life, Akio…"

"Ri-chan, now is not the time!" … … … "Ri-chan… the car won't start!"

"Well, no wonder, it's been sitting on the beach for two days!"

Akio pounded on the dash. "Start! Come on!!"

Akio leaped out of the car and opened up the hood. "Ri-chan, you keep trying to start the car while I mess around under the hood here!"

"Do you even know what you're doing?"

"Not at all! But we're running out of time! How much longer do we have?"

"Ten minutes! Go to it!"

I heard clanking and various other sounds, some of them swear words… until Akio called, "Try it now!"

I turned the key. _Vrrvrrvrrvrrvrrvrrrrrrr__……_click. "Nothing!!" I called back. "Try something else! We have five minutes! Oh, God, Akio, go faster!"

"I've been waiting for you to say that to me…"

"You dork! Work on the car, not your libido!"

The metallic clanking and clanging resumed. "I can't figure it… I found it!" The hood slammed down and I saw what Akio was holding—my chastity belt. (see episode four)

"How did that get in there?" I wondered.

"I don't know! But try it now!"

I turned the key, and the car purred and growled beautifully. "It works! Get in, Akio!" I moved over into the passenger's seat.

Akio hopped back in, and soon we were zooming up the slope of the volcano.

About halfway up, Akio turned to me. "Hey Ri-chan! How much time do we have left?"

I glanced at my watch. "Three minutes! Step on it!"

Akio floored the pedal, and we were at the top before we knew it. "We have one minute to dump that thing in!" I cried as we got out! "Okay, everyone! Everybody join in and help us push the car in!"

Everyone lined up behind the car: Me, Akio, Miki, Juri, Utena, Anshi, Touga, and Saionji.

"Okay! Everyone push!" Akio commanded. "I can't believe I'm doing this…"

We all pushed together, and somehow nudged the car forward inch by inch.

"One minute left!" I cried.

Suddenly, the car stopped moving.

"What's going on?" Touga asked. "Why isn't it going anywhere?"

"It's all YOUR fault!" Saionji hissed.

From nearer the front of the car, Utena called, "There's a bit of rock sticking out of the ground up here! I can't move it!"

"Push harder!" With a final effort, we shoved the Akio Car into the volcano—just in time.

"There is goes…" Akio said dismally, and as it did, I could swear that I could hear the Akio Car theme playing from somewhere inside the volcano, which suddenly grew quiet and still again.

"We did it," I sighed.

Suddenly, a shower of bright red sparks shot out of the volcano and exploded in the night sky.

"How beautiful!" Anshi said. "I didn't know there would be fireworks!"

"They're nice," Juri said, "But it's kind of boring, since they're all red."

"Except for that green one, up there…" Utena said, pointing into the sky at a dot of bright green.

"Wait…" I murmured. "That's—"

All eight of us were suddenly engulfed in a shaft of bright green light.

"What's happening now?"

"I don't kno—"

TO BE CONTINUED…

Next episode: Can Akio deal with his loss?

Even more importantly, where are we going now?

And can Nylc the Plutonian finish his science project in time?

Find out in episode seven: "Space Probed! They're From Uranus?"


	7. Space Probed! They're From Uranus?

The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio

Episode Seven: "Space Probed! They're From Uranus?"

By Reanna King

**This series is now twice as long as the length it was originally conceived to be. I want to extend my thanks to all of you people that faithfully read and review these stories. You've managed to build up my ego bigger than Akio's… libido. I have a very interesting idea for upcoming chapters. Expect some really crazy crossovers! As always, "The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio" is a lime (maybe more of a grapefruit) and contains suggestions and references of sex, probing, bondage, and lots of other fun stuff, but as always, nothing graphic. In short, it's REALLY PERVERTED!! You've been warned. What can you expect from Reanna the bondage chick? J **_(Yes, for those few who emailed me asking, I really do like bondage)_ **Anyways, in the words of Douglas Adams, Share and Enjoy!! Let the citrusy goodness begin!**

I found myself lying face down on a cold metal surface. I lifted my head and looked around, only to find that I couldn't see, as it was completely dark.

"Akio-san? Miki-chan? Is anybody there?" I called into the darkness.

"I think it's just you and me, Ri-chan…" I heard Akio's voice whisper.

"Gah, I hope not. And get your hand off my butt!"

"R—Reanna-sempai?" Miki's voice asked. "Juri-sempai? Are you there?"

Juri groaned. "Yes, I'm here… But I have such a headache… Where are we?"

"Let's see if we can find a light so we can find out…" I said, feeling around in the darkness for anything that felt like a light switch. After about ten seconds of searching, a light came on, blinding us temporarily.

"Ugh… good job, Reanna…" Juri muttered.

"I didn't do it…" I insisted, looking around me. "Hey, where are Utena, Anshi, Touga and Saionji?" They appeared to the only ones that were missing. In fact, the room we were in was very small, cylindrically shaped, and just large enough to fit the four of us. The concave walls were glowing green.

"Weird, huh?" Miki murmured. "I don't see a door or any way out."

"You mean we're trapped in here?!" I gasped. "Oh, I'm so scared…"

"It's okay…" Akio said, holding out his arms, only to be disappointed when I held Miki instead. "Okay," Akio said. "Let's get to the bottom of this." He knocked on the glowing green wall twice.

"Who's there?" a juvenile-sounding voice cracked back.

"Akio!"

"… Akio, who?" the voice asked, cracking.

"… Akio Ohtori!"

The voice paused. "… … That's the worst knock-knock joke I've ever heard!" it answered, going through at least three voice changes throughout the course of the sentence.

"Hello?" I yelled. "Let us out of here!!"

"Should we let 'em out, Clyn? I wanna see 'em closer!" the voice said after another pause.

"No, Nylc!" a more feminine voice replied. "You know we're not supposed to let our specimens out of their receptacles! They could carry some virulent Earth pathogen!"

"I don't like the sound of this…" Juri hissed.

"Yeah," Akio said. "They've already used three words that I don't know the meanings of…"

"They're obviously aliens from another planet…" Miki mused.

Akio's face brightened. "Hey, Ri-chan, maybe they'll strap us to tables and probe us and stuff!" He pounded on the wall again. "Hey! Do you aliens have tentacles?"

"Eep… I don't wanna be a specimen, Miki-chan!!" I wailed, resting my face on Miki's shoulder.

"Reanna-sempai… you're getting blood on my uniform…" Miki pointed out.

Just then, an opening appeared in the side of our little room, and we were met with the faces of our two captors. They looked a lot like people… except with blue scaly skin and antennae sticking out of hair that changed hue when they moved. One wore a baseball cap backwards, baggy jeans and a purple jersey… the other wore a silvery, quasi-futuristic version of the Ohtori girl's school uniform.

"W… what kind of aliens are you?" I asked fearfully.

"Uh…" the male one said, "teenage ones… who desperately need a subject for their science project!"

"SCIENCE PROJECT?!"

"You see," the female said, "My idiot partner, Nylc, spent the last week playing Tyeegno on his Ghbupkbwork and eating Dtynkpuoiks instead of doing research like he should have! And now we only have two days left to come up with a decent science project, and we happened to stumble on that little planet of yours… so we picked up a few specimens… and that's how you got here and why…"

"It's not my fault!" Nylc mumbled. "Mr. Reqtunkmk is so froopy…"

"I understand," I said, "… … I think."

"So, when are you going to start doing sexually indecent things to us?" Akio asked.

Nylc waved his hand. "Naw, that's extra credit stuff."

"Nylc, you know that with your grade you need all the extra credit you can get! And I'm not turning in a science project without giving 110%!"

"Yes, extra credit is good. Extra credit is great," Akio agreed. "I've always thought so."

"Akio, shut up!!" I hissed.

"Yeah, listen to the human girl," Nylc mumbled lazily.

"Nylc," Clyn said. "We live in a universe where we are free enough to fully explore our specimens, and here you are wasting the opportunity! Five million years ago, the policy was, "take nothing but Bteegs, leave nothing but crop circles and metal plates in people's heads.""

"Ask me if I care."

"Hey…" Juri said, "did you happen to abduct—er… pick up four other humans?"

Clyn nodded. "Yeah, they're in the receptacle beside you. We're keeping them in case we accidentally kill you."

**GULP**…

Clyn smiled sweetly. "So…" she said. "I take it the extra credit is okay with you?" she asked us.

Akio nodded. "Of course! Humans love being strapped to cold metal tables and done indecent things to while indecently exposed!"****

"Really?" Clyn asked. "Oh, that's wonderful!"

"Akio, shut your mouth! Who said you get to be our representative?" I hissed, hitting him upside the head.

"Well, I'm the oldest one here, so I should get to be!" Akio said, resting his hand on his chest in a dignified manner.

Clyn decidedly was ignoring my protests. "How delightful! Now, I'd be just delighted if you two would both come with me."

Akio grabbed my wrists. "Come on, Ri-chan, this'll be a blast!"

"No, no no no no noooo I don't wanna be a science experiment!!!"

"Come on, Ri-chan, just walk… left foot… right foot… left foot… there you go… just take little baby steps toward the portal… that's it… come on…"

"NOOO!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Miki-chan, tasuketeee…."

As soon as the door closed, Miki turned to Juri. "Juri-sempai, while they're gone, I think we should figure out how to get the others out."

"Okay, then…" Juri murmured, turning to a control panel facing the other green container that supposedly held Utena, Anshi, Touga and Saionji. "Hmm…" she said, perusing it carefully. The panel was covered with buttons, switches, levers, and blinking lights. "Let's see…" She landed a carefully planned out blow to the side of the control panel, and then smashed the top of the panel cautiously and decidedly. Immediately, the container popped open.

Anshi smiled sweetly at the two of them. "Ah, you've finally figured out how the auxiliary capacitor works! Good for you!" 

Touga, in the meantime, was in the process of flicking Saionji's nose. "OOWWWW!" Saionji howled. "That hurt!!"

"Uh…" Utena asked. "Where are Akio and Reanna?"

Miki looked uneasy. "Uh… they're off somewhere else being sexually violated and experimented on and stuff."

"Willingly?"

"Uh… I guess you could say… partly willingly."

(This was accentuated by a distant scream)

Anshi smiled. "Oh, yes, that's right…"

Utena turned to Anshi. "What do you mean by that?"

"Oh, nothing…"

"Ow! Stop pulling my hair!"

"Then you stop boxing my ear! Ow! You moron!!"

**Meanwhile…**

"Hey, Reanna?"

"What?"

"Did you ever imagine that you'd ever find yourself naked and strapped to a table and experimented on in an alien space ship?"

I sighed. "Well… the fact that you're here is a surprise…"

"Okay," Clyn said. "First up…" She held up something that looked like a vacuum cleaner tube with a funnel stuck on the end. "Let's see… I'm not sure how high to turn it up, or where it goes, but let's just wing it, huh? Heh, I'm not even sure what it's supposed to do…"

"Akio, you are so going to die for this… oh! Ooh! Oh, a little to the left… oooh yeah… uh, I mean, stop it! Don't!…"

"Oh, just relax."

Clyn smiled. "Okay, next test…" She pulled out an elaborate looking metal apparatus. It looked very scary and very cold. "You may want to avert your eyes for a second…"

"Help me…"

**Meanwhile again…**

"Okay," Utena said. "I think that the first thing we should do is think up a way to free Reanna and Akio. Does anybody have any ideas that don't involve us getting hurt, killed, jettisoned or experimented on?"

"I have an idea," said Touga.

"No, you don't!"

"Yes, I do!"

"No, you don't!"

"Shut up!"

"You shut up first!"

**You guessed it. Meanwhile…**

"Wait, wait!" I said.

"Something wrong?" Clyn asked.

"What are you doing with that thing?"

She smiled wryly. "I think it would be best if I didn't tell you. Nylc, would you turn on that thingie over there?"

"DON'T USE THINGS ON ME THAT YOU CAN'T NAME!!!!"

"Hey, me first this time…" Akio said.

"SHUT UP!! Somebody get me out of here…"

**And… meanwhile…******

"Okay, I think I figured out how to get this door open," Miki said.

"How?" Utena asked.

"Well, you just push this button," Miki said, pointing to a small red button.

"Here, let me do it," Saionji said.

"I could push that button way better than you could!"

"Get real! I'm the best button pusher around here!"

"Get out of my way!"

**Guess what?**

"Okay, no more… I'm gonna explode…"

"Oh, dear," Clyn said. "I had no idea that humans were capable of self-detonation…"

**whine…**

"Okay, now for the probe…"

"No, no no!! I've had enough! No more!!"

"Oh, stop struggling, Ri-chan, how bad can it be?"

"I'll struggle as much as I wanna! MIKI-CHAN!! COME AND SAVE ME FROM THE HENTAI ALIENS!! … … … wait… what kind of test is THAT thing for?"

"Test?" Clyn asked, holding up a new bit of apparatus (use your imagination). "Oh, this isn't for a test! This is just for fun!"

"…. … … … AAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

**Ahem. Let's return to the others, shall we?**

"Here, I'll push it," Utena said, and reached out to push the button.

Just then the door opened, and Reanna and Akio came out.

"Hggnn…"I moaned as I staggered in. "Miki-chan, it was awful, they… and they… and… then… and then… they… ggaaaahhhhh… too tired."

"Oh, dear…" Anshi said.

"Well, I don't see what she's whining about, I had a great time."

Utena turned to Clyn and Nylc. "Listen, there must be more to your science project than just this. Something that doesn't involve us being indecently exposed?"

Clyn nodded. "Oh, of course! We still have many other studies to do! You'll be here for… at least a day more!"

"I wanna go home…"

"Say…" Akio said. "Can I have access to that room whenever I like?" he asked, pointing to the room we were just in.

"Wait a minute…" Nylc said. "Female human… what's that in your pocket?" he asked, pointing to me.

"Uh…" I said nervously, pulling out an elaborate metal apparatus. "Sorry…" I handed it back to Clyn. "I… uh… wanted a souvenir?"

"It's YOUR fault Reanna's such a pervert!" Touga growled.

"You are most definitely to blame for Reanna's pervertedness!" Saionji countered.

"Shut up!" Touga poked Saionji in the eye.

"Go to hell!" Saionji kneed Touga in the groin.

"Wow…" Clyn said to Nylc. "Humans are more fascinating than I thought they'd be."

"I'm glad I'm not a human," Nylc said. "They're all weirdos."

"In either case…" Clyn said to us. "I have another request to ask of you."

"What do you want from us now?" I asked.

"Well… I'd like to be able to witness two of you procreate so that we can learn how it's done in humans."

"No. NO way. You must be joking. I'd never do it with Akio, and I'd definitely never do it with two aliens watching me!" I yelled.

"Come now, Reanna, it's for science…"

"Oh, and plus, I don't like older men!!" I yelled at him.

Akio sighed. "Well, in that case…" He pulled something out of the hammerspace within his pants—a stack of videotapes. "Here. This should tell you everything you need to know about how humans procreate."

Clyn looked overjoyed. "Oh, this is wonderful!" She took the tapes. "Come on, Nylc, let's go watch these."

"Aw, okay…" Nylc mumbled. They both walked off. 

"Oh, by the way," Clyn said. "Your sleeping quarters are over there!" She pointed at a wall where there were several doors leading to four separate rooms.

**That night…**

"Akio-san?" I said into the darkness.

"Yeah, what?" I heard his voice reply.

"Nothing. I was just making sure you were still far away from me… … … well, I do have a question…"

"What's that?"

"An interrogative statement used to obtain information. … … But what I want to know is: back on the island, how come the volcano said I wasn't a virgin?"

It was a few seconds before Akio replied. "That is a secret."

"What?! How dare you imitate my Xelloss-sama!!" I reached out and yanked his ponytail.

"OWWWW!! I thought you'd think it was funny!! Ow…"

The next morning, I was the last one to get up. Even then, I was woken up by Miki.

"Reanna-sempai! Something terrible has happened!" he said, shaking me awake.

I opened my eyes sluggishly. "What, did Akio declare it "Birthday Suit Day" again?"

"Worse! The aliens have watched Akio's videos and decided that based on them and our previous behavior, that the human race is too sick to live and must be exterminated!!"

I threw my blanket aside and popped out of bed. "WHAT??!! What the hell kind of videos did he give them, anyway??!!"

"It's not my fault!" Akio's voice called distantly. "You're the one who didn't want to show them in the first place!!"

"That's right, it's your fault!" Saionji's voice roared.

"Your fault! All your fault!" Touga's voice retaliated.

I shouted above the sounds of slugging and kicking, "We have to stop them! Wait… these are just teenagers, right? They can't destroy a planet!"

"They have weapons capable of doing so!" Miki told us.

"So the problem of youths possessing weapons is not isolated only to our planet," Juri muttered.

"Wait…" Utena said. "If they destroy the Earth, what will happen to us? Will they kill us too?"

Miki shook his head solemnly. "Our only alternative is to save the planet and escape from this ship somehow. I don't know how we'll get out of this room, let alone the ship. They've locked us all in this room, and as far as I can see, there's no way out."

"Don't worry!" Utena said heroically. "I, Prince Utena, will find a way to save us all and save our planet!" From out of nowhere, a heroic fanfare played. Meanwhile, Touga and Saionji were bashing each other over the head with pillows.

"Quit it!" I yelled. "We have to figure out how to escape!"

Saionji pointed at the porthole in the wall. "Can't we just get out through that window?"

"Oh, sure…" I said. "Then we'd have thirty seconds to get inside before we either ran out of air or our blood began to boil!"

"Ha, ha, ya moron…" Touga laughed.

"Shut up!"

"You shut up!"

"You shut up first!"

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!!" Juri screamed.

"Thank you, Juri," I smiled.

"Don't mention it," she replied wryly.

"Everybody!" Miki called from the closet. "Look! There are space suits in this closet!"

"Yaaaay!" I cried. "How many are there in there?" I counted everyone present. Me, Miki, Akio, Juri, Touga, Utena, Anshi and Saionji… I highly doubted there would be eight space suits in that closet.

"Uh… we have four here. But, fortunately, they're designed for very large organisms."

"Boo-yah!" Akio hooted.

"I said orgaNIsms!" Miki said.

"Aw…"

"Ahem… anyway, we might be able to squeeze two people into a space suit." He brought over the four spacesuits.

"WHAT??!!" everyone cried.

"Well then, let's go!" Akio said, picking me up and dumping me into a spacesuit.

"Nooo… I don't wanna share a spacesuit with Akio!" I wailed even as Akio jumped into join me and fastened up the suit.

Miki and Juri quickly hopped into a suit, followed by Utena with Anshi, just as we heard pounding on the door of our room.

Touga glared at Saionji. "There's no way I'm getting into a suit with him!"

"Likewise!" Saionji roared.

"Okay, Clyn, I'm gonna blast the door down…" a voice from behind the door said.

"Oh, we never should have gotten humans…" another voice groaned.

"Hurry up!" Miki said to Touga and Saionji.

"No."

"No way!"

A laser blast shook the room.

"GET IN THE FRICKIN' SPACE SUIT!!"

"… Will do!"

"Roger!"

Touga and Saionji hopped into the space suit and fastened it closed.

"Okay, everyone, let's escape!" Utena cried, winding up her space suited fist and sending it into the large porthole. "PRINCE PUNCH ATTACK!"

The glass didn't even crack. "Aw, nuts…" Utena muttered.

Miki and Juri approached the glass. "I believe that a small amount of additional kinetic energy will be sufficient to fracture the glass." He tapped the glass and it shattered, sucking all eight of us out into space.

"Come on!" Miki said. "Let's find a docking bay or something we can get in through!"

"Akio, move over, you're squishing me!"

"Uph… sorry…"

"Jeez, for there only being two in here…"

"Well…" Akio smirked. "That's not exactly true."

"What do you—"

"CHI!"

"CHA!!"

"N- N- NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

"Uh… Ri-chan… I don't like to complain, but you take up twice as much space when you're thrashing and whaling around like that…"

"WELL EXCUSE ME!! Somebody get me out of this damn space suit… I wanna go home…"

"Hey, everyone!" Miki's voice called over the radio. "I found a hatch that we can use to get back into the ship!"

Utena reached out to the handle, but was interrupted by a computer voice.

"Please give password to gain entry."

"Password?"

"Don't worry!" I said. "I saw this once on Tenchi!" I began bashing, punching and kicking the computer console.

"Bash… punch… punch… kick… bash… punch… … … confirming password…"

"Yes! Good job, Reanna!" Utena cheered.

The computer beeped. "Sorry. That was LAST week's password. Prepare for annihilation." A huge laser next to the console turned red and prepared to fire.

"Aw, crap…" I muttered, slapping my forehead.

Touga and Saionji began slugging it out within their space suit, of course, blaming each other for our eminent death.

"Guys, this is no time for that, we're gonna die!"

Akio grinned sexily. "You don't wanna die a virgin, do you?"

"YEEK! Akio, DON'T TOUCH ME!! Get your hands OFF…"

Suddenly, Touga and Saionji's suit went careening into the computer console from the force of their blows.

The computer hummed for a moment. "Bash… punch… punch… kick… bash… punch… crash… … password confirmed. Entry admitted."

"It's a miracle!" Miki cheered.

"WHAAAAT??!!" Juri roared.

"Uh… I mean… it's a strange twist of fate that turned the tables in our favor by sheer luck?" Miki squeaked.

"Never mind that!" Utena said. "Let's just go inside!"

We went in through the hatchway and made our way to the bridge, knowing that we might not have much time left to save the Earth. We changed out of our spacesuits and ran into the control room… where we were met with Nylc and Clyn holding laser guns at us.

"Don't move, Earth beings!" Nylc said.

"Oh…" Clyn wept. "I knew we should have gotten some cute, fuzzy forest animals…"

Akio smirked nastily. "You mean… like these?" He held up Chi-Chi and Cha-Cha.

Yay! Finally, I wasn't on the end of Chi-Chi and Cha-Cha's abuse! "Chi-Chi! Cha-Cha!" I cried. "Go to it!"

Chi-Chi and Cha-Cha jumped into my clothes.

"No… not… meeeee…"

"Chi-Chi! Cha-Cha!" Akio said to them. "Get the… uh… where are they from… Plutonians?"

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"

"I said Plutonians! Uh… the… Neptunians…?"

"No! Not that! Stoppit! AAAAHH…"

"Get the Venusians?"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"Are you two deaf? I said… uh… get the… Jovians?"

I pounded on the floor. "STOP NAMING PLANETS!! CUT IT OUT!!"

"Oh, we're not from any of those places," Clyn said. "We're from Uranus!"

"No! Anything but that! Noooo… ACK! …."

"Listen," Utena said while I was busy writhing on the floor. "Isn't there anything we can do to make you leave us alone and not destroy our planet?"

"Well…" Clyn said. "We'll spare your planet if you let us do our report on those creatures that are currently molesting your female."

"Done!" I panted. "Take them! Please!" I reached and extracted a pair of slimy monkey-mice from my pants and tossed them at the aliens. "Can we go now?"

"Absolutely!" Clyn said happily. "The door on your left will take you to the escape pods."

"YAAY!" we all cried, running out of the room and cramming ourselves into an escape pod.

"Okay… Akio, hit that lever and we're out of here."

Soon, we were ejected from the ship like a cork popping out of a gun, and speeding toward the Earth.

"Uh… does anybody know how to steer this thing?"

… …

"HELP US!!"

Not long after, we crash-landed on the Earth, the escape pod mangled and bashed up. But something was strange about what we saw.

"Hey… I didn't know the Earth had cat people and dragons…" Anshi murmured.

A wolf man walked up to us. "Hello… I don't recall seeing you around here."

"Tell us…" I said, peeling myself from the wreckage. "Where are we?"

"Well," he said, looking over his shoulder. "You're just a few miles from Fanelia…"

"Fanelia?! You mean… this planet is…?"

The wolf laughed. "Gaia, of course!"

TO BE CONTINUED…

**Preview of the next:**

**Where are we going now? Who will we meet there?**

**AND WHAT KIND OF TROUBLE WILL WE GET INTO?**

**All these questions, and some questions you never wanted to **

**know**** the answers to will be answered in:**

**The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio, Episode Eight:**

**"Dude, Where's my Melef?"**

"…. … … … AAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"


	8. 75: A SelfInsertion is not a toy!

"A SELF-INSERTION IS NOT A TOY"

by Reanna King

a song parody based on "A Secretary is Not a Toy" from the musical "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying"

I decided to go off on a bit of a tangent from the normal TEAORAA continuity to present to you a song parody I whipped up last night that I think you'll enjoy. Most of you won't know the song, but I think you'll find it amusing just the same. Okay, here we go.

_(We see AKIO obviously preparing something HENTAI-- he's gathered CHI-CHI and CHA-CHA, two hundred feet of rope, a webcam, a tray of ice cubes, two rolls of duct tape, a beach ball, a set of golf clubs, a German flag, three dozen eggs and a small dog)_

_(UTENA, ANTHY, TOUGA, SAIONJI, JURI and MIKI approach him)_

UTENA: Akio-san! We find your treatment of Reanna-sempai unacceptable! 

AKIO: Sou ka?

JURI: Yes. We think that if you can't treat her like a gentleman should, you should leave her alone.

AKIO: Really. _(smiles) _Do go on.

MIKI: Minna-san! _(he once again commands everyone's attention) _Minna-san!

_(singing) _A self-insertion is not a toy

No, my boy

Not a toy

To grope and to grapple

And casually sample

To peruse, abuse and annoy,

No, a self-insertion is not

Definitely not

A toy!

_(REANNA wanders in and pokes AKIO in the chest)_

REANNA: That's right! From now on, treat me respectfully!

AKIO: _(running a hand through her hair) _Oh... of course...

REANNA: I mean it, Akio! You better treat me like a person!

_(TOUGA and SAIONJI nod in agreement)_

TOUGA and SAIONJI: A self-insertion is not a toy

No, my boy

Not a toy

She's not there for you to enjoy

Boy, you absolutely must not

Go touching her on her twat _(REANNA looks down and blushes)_

A self-insertion is not

A toy!

_(AKIO seems not to be listening. He's putting batteries into an unidentifiable sex toy. REANNA grabs it away and bashes it over his head)_

REANNA: My undergarments should be completely

Ohtori Akio-free!

_(AKIO has taken a length of rope out and is rolling it into a neat loop, but JURI swipes it)_

ALL: Don't snare her with some evil ploy

Boy, remember, don't be a snot

Don't try to get her all hot

A self-insertion is not

A toy!

ALL: She's a highly talented key

Creator of humorous continuity

A highly sensitive self-insertion

Not blessed with sexual immunity

MEN: _(ex. AKIO) _Coming on to her is not a sport!

AKIO: You'll find lots of enjoyment inside of her shorts!

_(AKIO endeavors to prove this but is slapped by REANNA)_

REANNA: A self-insertion is not a pet

Nor an erector set _(she takes his copy of the _Kama Sutra)

ALL: Her pride's not for you to destroy

Boy, remember, no matter what

Just stay away from her slot

A self-insertion is not

A toy!

MEN: _(ex. AKIO) (in a barbershop style of singing)_

Remember, there's no excuse

For self-insertion abuse!

AKIO: You'll be damned if anyone catches you

Drinking her juice!

_(REANNA gasps and kicks AKIO in the area, then slaps him again)_

REANNA: A self-insertion is not a thing

To serve your ding-a-ling

_(AKIO tosses CHI-CHI and CHA-CHA her way, but she sends them into orbit with a baseball bat)_

My bra and my undies

Are not homes for monkeys

If that's who you plan to employ

NO!

ALL: A self-insertion is not

Is definitely not

Is not your slave and whatnot

Like it or not!

Although the girl seems coy

Remember this, my boy

A self-insertion is not

A tinker toy!

_(AKIO ponders this)_

AKIO: Okay, okay. From now on, I'll treat Ri-chan in a completely chaste manner.

REANNA: _(relieved) _Thank you.

_(Suddenly, her eyes go wide and she starts screaming and jerking and writhing around, etc.)_

AKIO: _(smirks) _I just wish I could speak for my pets.

REANNA: _(moaning) _Help me...


	9. Dude, Where's My Melef!

The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio

Episode Eight: "Dude, Where's My 'Melef?"

By Reanna King

**This will be the first of many crossovers. I've got one crossover planned that only Caro-chan knows about, that none of you will EVER be able to guess. Speaking of Caro-chan, I'd like to thank her for the idea of Van preening his wings, as well as Hitomi's little "condition."**

**This episode of TEAORAA will probably be much more chaste than the last few. However, as usual, these stories contain mild language, slightly mature themes and NCMBMM (Non-consenting molestation by monkey-mice) as well as a couple new surprises. Don't worry. TEAORAA will NEVER be a lemon. But…this is your FAIR warning. Read at your own risk. If you can't handle limes, then read something else. There. Don't come crying to me now if you read something you don't like. ;)**

**Oh, this is to WAKU-CHAN: You asked what the ****Kama**** Sutra is. The ****Kama**** Sutra, to the best of my knowledge, is a Hindu book on the art of love and sex.**

Was it a dream? Or was it a vision? Uh… wait, never mind…

"Excuse me," I said to the wolf man as we walked. "Did you say that we're headed for Fanelia?"

"That's right, young lady. Are you here to see Allen Schezar? You must have heard that he was visiting! Let's see, what was it? He's keeping it very discrete. But I believe it has something to do with his sister and that girl, Hitomi. Ah, here we are."

We came over a hill and saw the newly rebuilt Fanelia.

"Hey…" Utena said. "Where's that beautiful, swelling music coming from?" She looked around, but was unable to find any source.

"Oh. That's the soundtrack," the wolf man informed us.

We shrugged it off/ decided it would be useless to ask for further details.

"Well," Akio said. "Ri-chan sure seems excited to be here…"

We were soon surrounded by buildings and people going about their daily business. Then, I saw a familiar figure.

"Hitomi!" I called.

The girl turned and ran over. "Hello? Do I know you?"

Miki smiled. "No… we're just some people hoping to figure out a way to get back to Earth."

"You mean you're from…?" Hitomi trailed off. "Oh…" She fainted, and was immediately caught by a young man who was standing nearby.

The boy smiled at us. "Sorry. She does that from time to time. I'm Van."

"Pleased to meet you," Miki said, clicking his stopwatch. "Is she going to be okay?"

Van shrugged. "Of course. She just does this a lot."

Suddenly, Hitomi's eyes opened wide. "I saw it! I saw it!"

Van's expression suddenly grew deadly serious. "Hitomi? What was it? What did you see?" He looked back up at us, winked, and smiled.

Hitomi pointed at me. "Her! She… she was in pain! She was thrashing about in agony and struggling to take every breath… the screaming… the screaming was horrible… oh, Van…"

"Eep…" I whimpered.

"It's your fault Reanna's going to die…" Saionji hissed to Touga.

"Quiet!" I hissed back. "I really don't need this right now!"

"Aw… don't take that stuff seriously," a voice said. "She's been having lots of crazy visions lately!" A little cat person ran up to us and glomped onto Van. "Van-sama!"

"Oh, no…" I was moaning.

Merle smiled. "Don't take it seriously. Right, Van-sama?"

Van looked up from preening his wings and gave us a puzzled look. "Huh? What was that?"

"But I saw it…"

Suddenly, a horrible, evil laugh pierced the air. Van slapped his forehead with his palm. "Aw, not again…"

Almost immediately as Van said this, a gray-haired figure came running by in a straitjacket, laughing hysterically. "You'll all burn! Burn! Burn!!!" He was chased by a young man with flowing blond hair, who was yelling, "Celena… er… Dilandau… er… crap… you! Get back here!"

Akio put out a leg and tripped the straitjacketed figure. "Excuse me… would you stop long enough to tell me where you got that straitjacket?"

The figure lay on the ground, giggling to itself. Finally, the blond man caught up to us. "Thank you so much for catching her… er… him…"

"I take it this is the problem with your sister?" I asked Allen. 

"Well… not long ago, my sister Celena started turning back into Dilandau at any mention of fire or burning… she would remain as Dilandau for as long as an hour, then return to her normal self. We couldn't figure it out, so we brought her here to see Hitomi, to see if perhaps she could help her."

"INCOMING!" Miki suddenly cried, pointing up into the sky.

We all looked up to see a small spherical object speeding out of the sky toward us. We managed to dive out of the way before it crashed into the ground, making a small crater. Upon examining it, we saw that it was a silvery ball that appeared to have some panel in it that could be opened. Well, almost all of us saw it. Hitomi had fainted again.

"Heehee…" Dilandau was saying. "Burn, burn, burn… Kill Van… burn… Van… MOERO! MOEEROOOOO!!" He suddenly broke out of the straitjacket, tearing it to shreds. He drew a sword out of hammerspace and prepared to attack, laughing maniacally. He whirled around to face us. (That is, Akio, Anshi, Utena, Juri, Miki, Touga, Saionji and myself) "My Dragonslayers! At last we are reunited! Now is the time to stand once again against our enemies!!"

Unfortunately, this was the time that the silver sphere decided to open. I had almost completely forgotten about the sphere until, with a hiss, the panel popped open. And what I saw filled me with terror.

"CHI!!"

"CHAA!!"

"N-N-NOO!! This is impossible! Not again…" I thought…

"Look," Miki said. "There's a note in here. It says 'Thanks, from Nylc and Clyn'."

"Well, they're NOT welcome…" I moaned I cried as the two monkeys from hell jumped into my clothing. "AAAaaaaaAAAAHHHoooOOHHH…"

At that time, Hitomi awoke. "Oh, no! Van! She's dying! Just like in my vision!"

"GAAAAAHHHHHOOHHHHHNOOOOOOOAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHH…"

Dilandau held his sword high. "Quickly, my Dragonslayers! While they're off guard! We must attack!"

Saionji shrugged. "I got it covered." He dug around in his pocket and pulled out a lighter. He lit it and held it up to Dilandau. "Look! Fire! See?"

Dilandau went into a trance. "Heehee… fire… … … I like fire… … …"

"What are YOU doing with a lighter?" Touga asked. "I should report that to the Chairman." He turned to Akio. "Hey, Rijichou…"

"I know, I know…" Akio said, waving his hand.

"Somebody… help…" I moaned from my spot on the ground, not at all happy about being neglected.

Suddenly, Dilandau was Celena again. "Oh, my… what's going on? What's happened?" she asked.

Allen turned to all of us. "Thank you," he said. "This is the second time that you've helped us keep my sister under control."

"Oh… ohhh… … … … … ohhhhhhhhhhhhh…" I groaned.

"Huh? Allen? What are you…?"

"Don't mention it," Miki said, clicking his stopwatch.

"Ooh…" Merle said. "That's neat…" She grabbed the stopwatch. "Wow… I think I'll keep it! Heehee!"

"W-What? Give that back!" Miki cried.

"H- h- help… me…"

"Oh, right! Sorry!" Akio said. "Hold still for a minute, Reanna…"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

**********

Later, in the privacy and comfort of the Fanelia palace, we relaxed and discussed the situation.

"Okay," I said. "About when did all of this start?" I asked Allen.

"About two weeks ago," Allen said with a melancholy face. "Yesterday, Hitomi first tried to cure her, but so far she has met with no success…"

"Hey, don't worry! I'm a prince! I'm meant to do these kind of things!" Utena said.

"Uh… Utena…" Anshi said.

"AHEM!"

"Uh, I mean… Prince Utena…"

"Say," Van said. "Where is Hitomi, anyway?"

**********

"Well?" Hitomi was saying meanwhile. "What is it?"

"Hitomi…" Akio said. "I'd like you to do something for me."

Hitomi fainted.

Akio smacked his forehead. "That always happens…"

**********

"Well…" Saionji said. "What has Hitomi tried so far?"

Touga hit Saionji over the head.

"OWWW!! What was that for, dufus?"

"You said, "hit me."

"It was "Hitomi" and you know it… OW!!"

Allen sweatdropped. How much help could these people be, exactly…?

**********

"You want me to do a reading for you?" Hitomi asked after regaining consciousness.

"Yes. A tarot card reading for me and Ri-chan," Akio said. "To see if we'd make a good couple."

"But, why do that when you can tell just by looking—"

**********

Meanwhile, Touga and Saionji were engaged in a heated debate.

"Quit hittin' yerself! Quit hittin' yerself! Quit hittin' yerself! Quit hittin' yerself! Quit hittin' yerself!!"

"OWW!! OW! OWW!! Stoppit!!"

**********

Hitomi sat, her cards all set to do a reading. She turned up a card.

"Oh. It's the "World" card."

"What does that mean?" Akio asked eagerly.

"Well, wait until I draw another one." Hitomi drew another card. "Oh! The "Tower" card. This is the card of distant separation."

"… … … What does that mean?"

"Uh… well… don't take my word for it, but these two cards suggest that you two are and will remain worlds apart… shall I continue?"

"Uh… no thanks…"

**********

Merle was playing with Miki's stopwatch. "How do you work it?"

"Uh…"

"What does it do?"

"Uh…"

"Hey, I wonder if it floats…" She scampered off with the stopwatch in her mouth.

"HEY! WAIT!!" Miki ran after her.

**********

"You want to know what?"

"I want you to tell me how to make her fall in love with me."

"You mean… pickup lines or techniques?"

"No, no… don't you have a spell or magic thingy that will make her fall in love with me?"

"Well… they say that if you pull a hair from someone, they will fall deeply in love with you."

"Really? It's just that easy?"

"Yes… But there are several other ways to do this."

Akio smirked. "Would you mind… writing a list of them for me?"

"Of course not."

**********

"Nope! It doesn't float! Here, you can have it back."

"M- m- my watch…" Miki whimpered, holding up his stopwatch, which was still dripping from its recent swim.

Akio and Hitomi wandered back into the room. Hitomi handed him a piece of paper as they rejoined us.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing…" Akio said.

Suddenly, Hitomi gasped. "Oh… oh no!"

"Hitomi! What's wrong?" Van asked.

"Giants… destroying… city…" Hitomi fainted.

"Not again…" Allen muttered. He began fanning Hitomi with is hand. "Somebody get some water."

"Hai hai!" Merle scampered off in search of some water. "Nyaa!"

Suddenly, I felt a light tingling on the back of my head. I whirled around to see Akio standing much MUCH too close behind me, holding up his thumb and index finger.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"… … you were giving me bunny ears, don't you? You know I hate that!" I turned back around to resume taking care of Hitomi.

"Anyway," Van said, "since it's getting to be kind of late, perhaps you would like to stay the night in the castle? Or are you staying at an inn?"

"Oh, Miss-- -- Prince Utena, wouldn't it be wonderful to stay in a castle?" Anshi asked.

Utena was too busy going on about how she was a prince and it was her princely duty to help Hitomi.

"Well… we'd love to stay the night here…" I said, "if it's not too much trouble."

"All right then," Van said. "About the sleeping arrangements—"

I whirled around, feeling the tingling sensation on my head again. "What the hell are you up to?! And what's that paper in your hand?"

"Nothing!" Akio said.

"Akio, if you—"

"Nyaaaa! I got water!" Merle cried, running in on her hind legs with a glass of water in one hand. "Van-samaaaa!!"

As I looked back to Hitomi, I felt a wetness splatter on my back. I looked back to see Merle lying on the floor next to the broken glass.

"S… sorry…" Merle said. "I tripped…"

"That's okay, Merle," Van said.

I looked over at Akio and noticed that that mysterious piece of paper he had been holding was now all smudged. "Aww… now I'll never find out what was on that paper… can't even read it now…"

"Huh?" Akio said, looking at his list. "Damn!"

"Whatever that was, you deserved it!"

Suddenly, Hitomi's eyes popped open. "Oh!" She started crying out in pain.

"Hitomi! Hitomi!" Van cried. "What is it?! Did you have another vision??"

"… no… you're… kneeling on my foot."

I felt a sharp prick at the back of my head. I whirled around at Akio and saw him holding one of my hairs between his fingers. "Hey! What'd you do that for?! That really hurt!" I rubbed the back of my head. "Moron!"

Hitomi smiled gently. "Be grateful, Reanna-san. It could have been worse."

I made a confused face. Probably because I was confused. "Uhh… Hitomi? What are you talking about?"

Hitomi motioned for me to come closer to her. I bent down. She motioned for me to bend down still further. Then she whispered something in my ear.

I whacked Akio over the head very very hard. "YOU WERE GONNA DO WHAT??!! Why don't ya just kick me in the area while you're at it, ya sadistic creep??!!!!!"

Hitomi nodded and proceeded to spill the beans as to the conversation she had had with Akio, not seeming to realize that Akio was making several "shut up" "silence" gestures to her from behind all of us. "… and so I wrote out a list for him of tricks that will supposedly make someone fall in love with you."

"You… what?…" I asked, feeling the very little food that was in my stomach backing up on me. "Excuse me…" I ran off, presumably to attempt to purge myself of this knowledge somehow.

Akio smirked. "Anyway, Van, about those sleeping arrangements…"

**********

Finally satisfied, but still feeling rather sick, I stumbled back inside and saw Miki.

"Reanna-sempai! Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah… I spent a long time looking for a toilet to throw up in and then remembered that there weren't any… so I ran outside and had to run half a mile to find a bush to throw up behind… and by then I didn't feel sick anymore… but I had to get it out of my system so I…"

Miki smiled sweetly, causing me to melt into a little Reanna-puddle on the floor. Once I managed to pull myself together, Miki said, "That's okay, Reanna-sempai. While you were gone, we worked out sleeping arrangements. Everyone else is already in their rooms… anyway, the guest rooms are—"

I knew what was coming. "Let me guess… there are only four guest rooms with two beds in each?" I asked.

Miki shook his head. "Nope."

I sighed with relief.

"There are four guestrooms with one bed each."

**facefault** "And… I'm sharing a room with you, right Miki?"

Miki blushed. "Err… no."

"Utena?"

"No."

"Anshi?"

"No…"

"Juri?"

"Uhh… no."

"Touga?"

"Nope."

"Then it's Saionji. I don't really **mind**, but…"

Miki shook his head.

The blood drained from my face. I felt myself go pale and dizzy. "You don't mean…"

Miki bowed his head and put his hand on my shoulder. "I'm so sorry…"

I stiffened my knees to prevent me from sinking to the floor. "That's okay Miki… it's not your fault I'll be having my own room."

**facefault** "Actually… Reanna-sempai… you're sharing a room with Akio-san…"

"Hey weird girl! Are you okay? Nya!"

I opened my eyes… Why am I laying on the floor, I thought, then saw Merle and Miki.

"Did I faint?"

"Man, you're just like Hitomi!" Merle said.

"Sorry, Reanna-sempai… I would have said something, but Akio said that if I didn't, he wouldn't put Touga and Saionji in the same room," Miki told me.

"Well… you have a point there… … … oh, but this is awful…" I moaned. Wait a minute! I sat up straight. "I shouldn't have to take abuse from Akio-san!"

"That's right, Reanna-sempai!" Miki encouraged.

"I have my rights! I have my needs! And what's more… a self-insertion is not a toy!"

"I don't know what you're talking about, but… go, weird girl!" Merle cheered.

I stood up shakily. "I've put up with him and his libido for long enough! I'm going in that room and giving him a piece of my mind!" I made an angry fist with my left hand.

"That's the spirit, Reanna-sempai!" Miki said. "Go tell him how you feel!"

I stomped off down the hall, ready to knock some sense into the Rijichou. I would stand up to him… I would make my demands known… I would…

"Miki-chan? Could you turn off that recording of 'Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku?' It's kinda making me nervous…"

"Sure."

I resumed walking down the hall. The guest rooms were here, right? Maybe I should have asked which one was mine… every door looked alike and there was no way of telling who was in each room… Would I have to knock on each of them? Hmm, that wouldn't make for a very dramatic entrance…

Suddenly one of the doors swung open. "C'mon, Ri-chan, it's time for bed!" I got grabbed and pulled into the room just before the door shut, only having time to let out a short yelp before I was flung onto a bed so fluffy I sank in about up to my nose. I looked up and saw Akio smiling down at me, wearing a silky pajama version of his usual red-and-black outfit. 

"So much for that…" I moaned.

"For what?" Akio asked.

"… … nothing…"

Akio held up a purple something. "Oh, sou, sou… look, I found this for you." It was a silky purple nightgown. "Doesn't it look comfy?"

"Uh… yes?" I whimpered.

"Good!" His leaned forward and undid the zipper on my pants.

"Wha- what do you think you're doing?!"

"Putting it on you?" Akio said innocently.

"I CAN DO IT MYSELF!"

"Oh nonsense, don't strain yourself, it's no problem…"

"SOMEONE HELP ME!!"

**********

From outside the room, Miki and Merle stood listening.

"Wow! Listen to her yelling! She sure is assertive!" Merle marveled. "She must really be reaming him out in there!"

"I really do admire her audacity…" Miki said. "Come on, Merle, I'll show you how my stopwatch works."

**********

"Oh, don't be so melodramatic…"

"NO NO NO!! LET GO OF ME! STOP THAT!!"

"Stop squirming, it's almost on… there!" He gently pulled my hair out of the inside of the gown. "Perfect! Now, do you want the left side of the bed or the right side?"

"I'll take the whole bed. You can have the whole FLOOR." I said with crossed arms.

"Okay."

"… … Really?"

"Of course. Why don't you just get settled in? You look tired." Akio pulled a spare blanket from the closet and threw it on the floor next to the bed.

"Thanks." I said as I brushed my hair. My back was to him, but through the mirror I was looking, I saw him messing around with my bed. "Hey! What are you doing?"

"Oh nothing, just fluffing your pillow." Akio put the pillow back and patted it.

"Oh well." I went over and blew out the candle next to the bed and climbed in and pulled the heavy covers over me. I fell asleep almost immediately.

**********

Van stood in the throne room looking out one of the big windows at the night sky. 

"Van-samaaa!" Merle came running up to him happily.

"Hey there, Merle. Where have you been?"

"Oh, nowhere. Just with that funny blue-haired kid learning how to use a stopwatch. I don't really get the point of it…"

"Hmm…" Van said, and resumed looking at the stars.

"Van-sama? Do you think the strangers will be okay in their rooms? They seem kinda weird."

Van turned to Merle and smiled. "They'll be fine."

**********

I woke up, aware that I wasn't laying down anymore. What was this pressure I felt on my wrists? I looked up.

"Akio!! W-w-w- what are you doing?"

"Just helping you settle in…"

"Being tied to the bedposts with ribbon is not what I call 'settling in'!"

"Shh, you'll wake everyone up…"

"Oh, I knew this would happen… I'm a goner… it's all over for me… this is it…" I moaned as Akio attached my bound wrists to the headboard.

"Oh settle down," Akio said as he began attaching my feet to the end of the bed.

"No, Rijichou, don't…"

"Hey, settle down! Jeez, you really are a drama queen, aren't you?"

"No, no, no, no, NO!!" I struggled as hard as I could. I could break the ribbon if I pulled hard enough, couldn't I?

Akio finished and sat down on the bed and lit a candle, setting it on the nightstand.

"Akio-san… please… d-d-d- don't…"

Akio held something up to me. Actually, two somethings. "Blue paint and a paintbrush?"

"There, see, there's nothing to worry about."

"Like hell! You've got a paint fetish and you never told me??!!!! You keep that stuff away from me!"

Akio dipped the brush in the paint. "Oh, come on, who ever heard of a paint fetish?" 

"Then why are you doing this?!"

Akio smiled. "I don't think I'm supposed to say that…"

"Weirdo! Get away from me!"

Akio touched the brush to my face and began painting it blue.

"Stop that! That tickles! Let me go!"

"Stop wriggling around!"

"Heehee… but that tickles! Akio stop that!!"

And so it went, and so it went…

**********

When I woke up the next morning, the sun was already high in the sky. I was still tired from last night… thankfully, after Akio was satisfied (that weirdo), he untied me and let me go to sleep, and I was never disturbed again throughout the night. I rose up out of bed and looked around. Akio wasn't even in the room. Good, I thought. I can change in peace. I'd definitely need a bath… I was still covered in blue paint, which had crusted on and become itchy. I heard a noise from behind me. I whirled around. "Akio?" I asked cautiously.

It wasn't him. But I did see the pile of pillows at the head of the bed moving around.

"What…?" I wondered, lifting up the pillows one by one.

"Ennnrrrlll…" came the sound.

"Hello?" I asked. "Who's there?"

"Ennarrroooolll…"

Somebody was under all those pillows? That's what it sounded like! I continued throwing them aside.

"Tennarroooll…"

Wait… that kinda sounds like… I froze with a pillow in my hands.

"TENTACRUELLLLL…"

… … … … … "Ooh… I wonder what a Pokémon is doing here…"

**facefault** "Crueeell…"

"Uh… I don't like the way it's looking at me… Oh no… don't tell me…" I addressed the tentacled jellyfish Pokémon. "You're not going to…"

**nod nod nod**

"No, I don't think you understand," I said to it. "This is not how I want to start out my day. Do you understand?"

**… … … shake shake shake**

"I should run, shouldn't I?"

**nod nod nod**

**********

"Say, does anybody know where Reanna is?" Allen asked as everybody sat down to breakfast at a long table in the huge dining room.

"Well, she was still sleeping when I got up, so I decided to let her sleep," Akio said.

Miki said, "Odd, it's not like her to sleep in… I wonder if everything's all right…"

"Oh, don't be paranoid," Juri said. "She's probably just sleeping off stress…"

Hitomi turned to Akio. "So, how's that list of yours working?"

"Well, I don't understand it…" Akio said. "I did everything. I pulled out one of her hairs… I did this one: 'Tie her with ribbon to the bedposts and paint her blue…' Didn't work… I put a Tentacruel under her pillows… that didn't work…"

"YOU WHAT??!!" everyone yelled. Hitomi fainted.

Akio explained the entire situation to everyone.

"Let me see that!" Allen said. He grabbed the piece of paper. "This is all smeared…"

"I get it!" Utena said. "Merle spilled water on that paper last night… so it smeared the writing on it, and Akio misread the directions!"

"oops…" Akio said.

"So now Reanna's alone in her room with a Tentacruel??" Miki said.

"Oh, dear…" Celena murmured.

Everyone stood up, knocking over chairs. "We have to save her!"

But at that moment, the entire room was shook by a massive shock wave. The sound of deafening crashes continued on for a few seconds, then stopped, then started again.

"What the hell?!"

Everyone ran to a window and saw two Melefs fighting it out not too far away from the castle. A couple of young men recognized the Melefs…

"Escaflowne!" Van cried.

"Schezarade!" Allen shouted. "This is awful!… … I just had that thing waxed!"

"Who's in them?" Juri asked.

"Say… has anybody here seen Touga or Saionji lately?" Anshi asked.

There was a long pause. Akio slapped his forehead with his palm. "Those idiots…"

"What's going on?" Hitomi asked, walking over rather shakily. She looked out the window… and fainted again.

"We have to stop them! Look at the damage they're causing!" Van said.

"What about Reanna?"

Everyone looked to Van… after all, he was the king.

"… … … We have to save Fanelia first! Come on!"

"Hai!"

**********Meanwhile…

"Hello? Anybody!!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!"

TO BE CONTINUED…

"Oh, the story ends here, does it?! Sure, just leave me here with the hentai Pokémon… this is just great… I hate when stories end like this!! Hello? Hello, out there? If you're reading this, SEND HELP!!!"

**Preview of the next:**

**Things get worse! Yes, WORSE!**

**Can my friends save me AND Fanelia?**

**What will happen when Celena turns into Dilandau again?**

**AND CAN HITOMI STAY CONSCIOUS FOR THE WHOLE THING?!**

**All these questions, and some questions you never wanted to**

**know**** the answers to will be answered in:**

**The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio, Episode Nine:**

**"This Way!**** That Way! More Adventures in the World of Escaflowne!"**

**nod nod nod**


	10. 85: TEAORAA Theme Song? Toobular Boobul...

**The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio**

**"Theme Song"**

**by**** Reanna King**

**Based on the song "Toobular Boobular Joy" from Mystery Science Theater 3000**

This is just a little thing I put together… hope you enjoy it. I consider it the theme song of "The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio," and I guess most of you won't know the original song… but if you haven't seen MST3K, I highly recommend it. It's good stuff.

AKIO: We've been through a lot together, Ri-chan.

REANNA: Don't remind me.

AKIO: Well… I think our time together has been really… really…

REANNA: Nightmarish?

AKIO: Uh… no…

TOUGA: Despite everything we've all been through, I just can't come up with a word to describe it.

SAIONJI: No, me neither…

AKIO: Well, I can!

ALL (ex. AKIO): You can?

AKIO: Why, sure! (starts singing)

AKIO: It's breastakaboobical, chastitybeltical

Pervular gropular fun!

(REANNA covers her face and moans)

SAIONJI: Fleshical-chestical moundular-probular?

AKIO: Right-o, that's the one!

TOUGA: Is it monkeys-in-pantsical, tentacle-crotchular

Nudular morning till night?

REANNA: Cut it out…

AKIO: Well you're absotistripular, orgy-orgasmical,

Vibrokavaginal right!

REANNA: Please stop…

(ALL ex. REANNA): It's a mega-molestical, eroti-breastical, toobular boobular joy,

A clitorical-swellular, ecchical-sexular fun for girl and boy!

A nosebleedimal-seedical, mojo-libidical, tiedupandgaggedical ball,

REANNA: Oh, God…

TOUGA: The most coppinafeelular

SAIONJI: Kamasutra-ular

TOUGA: Hentai-climaxular

AKIO: Stimo-erectular

TOUGA and SAIONJI: (slowly while AKIO sings next lines) Fanfic of them all!

AKIO: Slotular-twatular, teasical-strokular

Birthdaysuitisimal, mastoka-spasmical

Randical-glandular, too-tired-to-standular

Horny-as-hellular ball!

ALL: Hey!

REANNA: Are you done now?

AKIO: Yep, we're all done.

TOUGA: Finished.

SAIONJI: Yep. All done.

REANNA: THANK you.

(AKIO holds up some rope)

AKIO: Ooh, that got me started. C'mere, Ri-chan, I'll tie ya up!

REANNA: (runs) GET AWAY FROM MEEEE!!

AKIO: Come on, I'll leave your clothes on… promise!

(end)


	11. Achira! Kochira! More Adventures in the ...

The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio  
Episode Nine: "Achira! Kochira! More Adventures in the World of Escaflowne!"  
By Reanna King  
Notes: For those of you wondering how long each crossover will be, I was originally planning on having it be two episodes for one crossover. But now I'm thinking each one will be however long I feel it needs to be. :)  
For those of you wondering what a Tentacruel is,... as its name implies, it is a six-foot blue jellyfish Pokémon with lots of long gray tentacles, and a favorite among Poké-hentai like me! Speaking of which, this is a lime for incidents of non-graphic tentacle bondage and molestation. If you don't like the picture this conjures, please don't hesitate to read something less citrussy.  
On. And don't ask me how Saionji managed to get into Escaflowne, because I don't know. I was being molested at the time, remember? :\  
   
  
Was it a dream? Or a vision? Now, I am definitely trapped inside a bedroom in the Fanelia palace with what is definitely a very hentai Tentacruel that is definitely has something planned that is definitely not good!  
"Cruel..." The Tentacruel lifted up the hem of my nightgown inquisitively.  
"EEK! Don't do that! Get away!!" But I was already backed into a corner of the room! I tried whacking it with a pillow. Didn't help much. It's times like this... when you're about to be molested by a hentai Pokémon... that you feel like whining.  
"I don't wanna be Miko Mido..."  
**********  
Van, Celena, Allen, Hitomi, Merle, Akio, Utena, Anshi, Juri, and Miki ran down the long and immense hallways of Fanelia palace.  
"Wait!" Utena said. "That's Reanna's room, right there!" She pointed at a door, where terrified screams were barely getting past the thick wood of the door. "We just can't leave her like this!"  
"Is someone out there? Somebody help me!" I wailed.  
"We need to save Fanelia first!" Van said, both to those standing next to him and to me.  
"Is that so?" I cried.  
"Nya... I feel sorry for her... even if she is weird..." Merle muttered.  
"Stoppit! Put me down right now! Let me go!" I screamed.  
Akio stood up straight. "I'm going in there. The rest of you go on ahead!"  
"It's dangerous in there!" Juri said.  
"I know... but I wouldn't miss this for the world!" Akio winked.  
"Shouldn't known..."  
"Don't worry! I'll save Ri-chan... eventually!"  
**MASS FACEFAULT**  
**********  
Just when I thought all was lost... and it was getting pretty darn close... I saw the door open on the other side of the room.  
"Akio-san! You came to save me!"  
Akio shrugged. "Yeah... I guess I really am a prince after all."  
"Well, hurry up and... YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!! Stoppit stoppit stoppit stoppit stoppit!!!"  
"Wow..." Akio murmured and stared in awe... then frowned. "Man... I feel really inadequate as a male right now..."  
**********  
"I hope Akio will be okay in there..." Van said as the remaining nine people ran toward where all the commotion was taking place.  
"Oh, Akio doesn't have to worry..." Utena said.  
Van stopped in front of a stained glass window that was cracked from all the stress the building had been put under in the past half hour. "Why?"  
"Uh... don't you know what's probably happening to Reanna right now?"  
Van shook his head. Juri sighed, and explained. Hitomi fainted.  
"Oh, great..." Allen said. He rubbed his chin. "Okay. Miki!"  
"Hai!"  
"You and Utena and Anshi stay with Celena and Hitomi while we take care of Escaflowne and Schezarade!"  
"Hai!" they all said.  
**********  
"Akio, hurry up!" I cried.  
"Sure, okay, in a minute..."  
I heard a clicking sound. Then another. And another. I looked up at Akio and saw him holding a Polaroid camera. CLICK! "Ooh, there's a nice angle!"  
"DON'T TAKE PICTURES!!" I screamed angrily, struggling for all I was worth.  
"Come on, these will look great online..."  
"LIKE HELL! I'LL BURN 'EM!!"  
"Relax, Ri-chan! Someday we'll both look at these pictures and laugh... or at least nosebleed."  
"SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!... EEK! OW! Hey, that hurts! Stop that! Akio... hurry up... and... save me..."  
**********  
"Here," Juri said. "Use those Melefs up there!"  
"But..." Allen whined.  
"But..." Van said.  
"WE WANT OUR MELEFS!" they both yelled.  
"I got the fighting music!" Merle said, holding up a CD player and switching on "Dance of Curse."  
**facefault**  
**********  
Akio sighed. "Oh, all right..." He pulled a small sphere (about the size of a large marble) out of his pocket and pushed a button on it, whereupon it great to about the size of his fist.  
"W-what's that?"  
**********  
Allen and Van stood not-so-proudly in a pair of old Melefs that they had managed to find.  
"If they even nick my Schezarade, I'm gonna..." Allen growled.  
"JUST GET OUT THERE!" Juri screamed.  
"Ryoukai!"  
"Roger that!"  
**********  
Utena looked out the window at all the Melefs. "I'm just burning to get out there and fight..."  
"W... what did you say?" Celena asked as Hitomi was just beginning to wake up again.  
"I said I'm just burning to get out there and fight with them!" Utena said.  
"Uh oh..." Miki murmured.  
**********  
Akio held the sphere up. "Chibi Akio, I choose you!"  
"What the hell...?"  
In a flash of light, a tiny chibi version of Akio flew out of the Pokéball and landed gracefully on the floor. "Ah! Akio! Ah Kio!"  
**********  
"Allen, look!" Van cried. "They've scratched Schezarade's sword!"  
"NANI??!!! My perfect record?! Shattered, just like that??!!" Allen roared. "Let's get them," he growled.  
"That's right, get 'em! And plug 'em one for me!!" Juri screamed through a microphone from on top of one of the taller buildings as Merle played "Epistle."  
**********  
"Fire... fire... fire... MOERO!!! MOEEEEROOOOOOOO!!" Celena whirled around to reveal... Dilandau!  
Hitomi fainted. (This joke's getting old isn't it?)  
"Now you've done it!" Miki said.  
"S-sorry! Utena cried.  
There was fire blazing in Dilandau's eyes as he advanced closer and closer... Dilandau giggled maniacally... just before he was tackled by someone who ran into the room unusually fast and pinned down the raging psycho with ease.  
The man was somewhat unkempt looking, with unshaven stubble on his chin and cheeks. He smirked at everyone in the room. "Hey... I'm Dryden."  
**********  
"A Chibi Akio Pokémon? Where'd you get that?"  
"Oh, I'll tell you later... Chibi Akio, you know what to do!"  
"Ah! Ko! OOOOOOO!!!" Chibi Akio dove onto the Tentacruel with a fierce battle cry. It stood up from atop Tentacruel's head. It glanced down at the Tentacruel... then at me... then at the Tentacruel... then at me... all the while looking very… very cute.  
"Chibi Akio-san..." I gasped. "H-hurry..."  
Chibi Akio nodded. "Kio!"  
"Ri-chan, you may want to shut your eyes... this may get gruesome..." Akio told me.  
**********  
"You idiots!" Van yelled. "Stoppit, right now, or you'll destroy Fanelia!"  
"Wow! This is great stress relief!" Touga cried. "I can just cut loose in this thing!"  
"This is incredible!" Saionji said. "Hey, Touga, let's join together and show these guys what we're made of!"  
"I'm up for it!"  
**Gulp...**  
**********  
"So, that's what's going on, huh?" Dryden asked as he finished typing up Dilandau. "Say, did you say Akio was here?"  
"Yes. Why?" Anshi asked.  
"Hmm... it's been a while since I've seen him," Dryden smiled.  
**********  
"You can open your eyes now, Ri-chan!"  
When I opened my eyes, I was free at last and the Tentacruel lay in pieces all over the room.  
"AKIO!" Chibi Akio squeaked, making the "victory" sign with its tiny hand. I sighed with relief.  
I put on some decent clothes while Akio apologized profusely (but probably not sincerely) and explained the current threat to Fanelia.  
"Well then! Let's get out there and help them!" I said.  
"Sure... Hey, aren't you going to thank me for saving you?"  
"Nope. It was your fault this happened to me in the first place. Your thanks is that I won't boot you in the head over this."  
"Oh, thanks," Akio sighed. "Okay. Come on, Chibi Akio!"  
"Ah! Kio!"  
**********  
"Okay. Let's go," Allen growled. "You'll pay for scratching up my precious Schezarade!"  
Allen and Van charged at Touga and Saionji in typical anime fashion.  
"That's it! Get them! GET THEM!" Juri roared.  
"Wow! This is exciting!" Merle giggled, as she ran into the room where Utena, Anshi, Miki, Hitomi and Dryden stood, and where Dilandau still lay tied up on the floor.  
"Can Allen and Van really beat Touga and Saionji?" Anshi asked.  
"My Van-sama can do anything!" Merle said.  
"We're back, everyone!" I shouted, running into the room.  
"Reanna-sampai!" Miki said. "Are you okay?"  
"Yeah!"  
"Still a virgin?" Utena asked.  
"Yup!" I grinned and flashed the "victory" sign and proceeded to drool over Dryden.  
But then we looked up to see Akio and Dryden staring intently at each other.  
"Akio."  
"Dryden."  
"Wow," Utena said. "Their voices are really similar! Wait... you know each other?"  
They both nodded. As if caused by this, the room suddenly shuddered.  
"They're still fighting out there?!" I asked. "Isn't there anything we can do to stop them?"  
Everyone shook their heads. "It's in the hands of Allen and Van now."  
"I may have an idea," a new voice said from behind us. We turned to see who the newcomer was.  
"It's you!"  
**********  
"I can't take much more of this..." Van said. "Allen! How about you?"  
Allen barely gasped out, "Can't... let... them... win... ... Must... stop... using... so many... ellipses..."  
"Hey, Touga..." Saionji said, "Did it occur to you that this may not be such a good idea?"  
"Yeah, maybe..."  
"... ... Nah!"  
And so... the carnage continued.  
**********  
"Mole Man!" I cried.   
Akio was taken aback. "Ri-chan! He's fat, he's ugly, he's a very minor character... what's so great about him?"  
Mole Man smiled.  
"He's just cool! Anyways... what's your idea?" I asked.  
Mole Man smiled and adjusted his bifocals. "You're a pretentious self-insertion, right? Why not invoke your pretentious self-insertion powers to stop those two from fighting?"  
I snapped my fingers. That's right! "Say, I forgot about that! But... I can only use them once every couple episodes..."  
"Powers?! You never told me you had powers!" Akio said.  
"All pretentious self-insertions have powers or unrealistic abilities," Miki explained.  
"Come to think of it," Juri said, "there have been quite a few incidents that have played so favorably into Reanna-sempai's hands that it seemed just too good to be true..."  
"That's right..." I said. "How else could I be forced to watch hours of hentai without getting at least a little horny? I invoked my pretentious self-insertion powers!"  
"When did that happen?"  
"I don't know...?"  
"Ri-chan, when else?"  
"Oh, let's see... when the volcano said that I wasn't a virgin in episode six... I did that... that was very pretentious on my part! And when in episode seven when Touga and Saionji crashed into that control panel, accidentally entering a password correctly and preventing us from getting blasted... that was me too!"  
I got a lot of skeptical looks.  
"Why couldn't you have just directly solved the problem... like using your powers to find out the password?" Anshi asked.  
"Oh, that would have been too obvious! And... sometimes my powers aren't strong enough to be that conspicuous," I explained.  
"Come on, Reanna, I want to see your powers!" Utena said.  
"Oh... ... okay, but I won't be able to use them again for a while..." I said. "OH DEITY OF PRETENTIOUSNESS!" I cried. "In the name of self-insertions everywhere... lend me your power!"  
**********  
"Hey! I can't steer this thing!"  
"What the hell?! It's not moving!"  
Van and Allen looked up. The crazed duelists had stopped fighting. Escaflowne and Schezarade weren't even moving.  
"How did that happen?"  
**********  
I sighed. "There."  
Touga, Saionji, Van and Allen landed, in a heap, on the floor.  
I smiled. "I had them all teleported here, just for good measure."  
"I was beginning to wonder when you would invoke your powers..." Touga said.  
"Powers?" Saionji asked.  
"You moron!" Touga hissed.  
"You see, Saionji..." I explained to him about my very pretentious and show-offy powers. "You see, every blatant or pretentious self-insertion (and nearly all of them are one or both of these) has unrealistic powers and abilities, but you have to apply for them by filling out a lot of annoying paperwork. The more blatant and pretentious you are, the more powers you get."  
"I see... I think," Saionji said.  
"This whole scene is pretty pretentious..." Akio mumbled.  
"Thanks a lot," I said flatly. "Unfortunately, I'm not that pretentious. I don't have any special abilities, I'm not usually immune to physical harm, I'm not a duelist, I'm constantly sexually put-upon, (insert glare at Akio here) I'm certainly not all-knowing, and no member of the cast is in love with me..."  
"What about me?" Akio asked.  
"That's called lust," I said flatly.  
"Ooh, that remark was pretty pretentious too..." Utena noted.  
"What's pretentious mean?" Saionji asked.  
"You stupid jellyfish!" Touga said.  
"TENTACRUEL..." Suddenly a mass of tentacles loomed in front of me.  
"Eep! Don't say that word!" I cried, fleeing from the feral Tentacruel. "From now on, NOBODY EVER SAY THAT WORD!"  
"Uh... did we miss something?" Touga asked.  
"EEK! GET YOUR SLIMY TENTACLES OFF OF ME!"  
Akio sighed. "Chibi Akio, I choose you..."  
"Ah! Kio!"  
"You know what to do..." Akio turned to me. "Ri-chan, next time I'm letting it rough you up a bit first!"  
"LIKE HELL YOU ARE!"  
"Hey, what's that on the floor?" Van asked.  
"They fell out of Akio's pocket when he took out the Pokéball," Touga said.  
Hitomi picked them up. "Why, these are... oh dear..." She fainted.  
Touga snatched them up. "Photographs? ... Wow, that's randy! Heh heh... Akio, can I have this one?"  
"YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY OF THEM BECAUSE I'M BURNING THEM ALL!"  
"BURN?! Heehee... heeheehee... MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!"  
"Oh, shit..."  
Dilandau broke free of his ropes in a maniacal rage, laughing crazily. "FREE!!" He drew his sword and began brandishing it in a blind frenzy.  
"Not again!" Allen moaned.  
"Let me go, or I'll make you into sushi!" I screamed. "Tentacruel! Hold on a minute!"  
"... cruel?"  
"Whisper whisper whisper whisper whisper..."  
"Cruel?!"  
"Please? Please?"  
"Tenta... cruel?"  
"Sigh... I promise, now put me down and go get the psycho!" I can't believe I'm doing this...  
"CRUEL!!" Tentacruel lunged at Dilandau.  
"W-what the hell?!!" Dilandau screamed just before he was picked up.  
"O HO HO HO HO HO HO HO!!"  
"Reanna, don't laugh like Naga... please..." Miki groaned.  
"Sorry."  
Akio looked at me skeptically. "Ri-chan... how did you get the Tentacruel to put you down?"  
I looked up at Akio. "Well..."  
Akio frowned. "You told it that it could have you if it did you this favor, didn't you?"  
I bowed my head shamefully. "Yeah, I did."  
Akio grinned. "Can I watch?"  
"NO!"  
"Reanna! That was a brave sacrifice! I really admire your bravery!" Utena said.  
"You just did it because you LIKED being molested by the Tentacruel," Saionji sneered.  
"Shut up! Leave me alone!"  
"Yeah!" Touga yelled and whacked Saionji upside the head. "Shut up! Leave her alone!"  
"Uh? Hello?" Celena called. "I don't like the way this thing is looking at me..."  
"Damn!" Allen cried. "Reanna, hurry, before my sister gets..."  
Hitomi fainted.  
"Tentacruel, that's enough!" I cried.  
Tentacruel looked disappointed. "Cruel..." It put down Celena and came over to me and made an unmistakable gesture with its tentacles. (use your imagination) "Cruel? Cruel! Tentacruel..."  
"Eep! N-not so fast..."  
"Aww, Reanna, I think it really likes you," Anshi smiled.  
"Oh goodie..."  
Akio turned to me and took something out of his pocket. "Ri-chan!" He threw me a Pokéball.  
I caught the ball. "I don't know where you got it, but..." I threw the Pokéball at the Tentacruel, which teleported inside the ball with a flash of light.  
Akio smirked. "Looks like it belongs to you now, Ri-chan."  
"Yeah," I said, picking up the Pokéball. "But now I get to tell it when it can come out."  
Juri raised an eyebrow. "Are you going to keep your promise to it?"  
I looked guiltily at her. "I... didn't intend to..."  
"Reanna-sempai! That's unfair!" Miki said.  
"WHAT??!!!" I screamed. "Do you WANT me to get molested again?"  
"You're the one who made that promise," Miki pointed out. "You should keep your promises, Reanna-sempai."  
I sighed. "Can we discuss this later?" I stuck the Pokéball in my pocket.  
"Indeed," Allen said. "We still have to figure out how to change Celena back to normal."  
"Hmm..." Utena said. "Did anything unusual happen just before Celena changed for the first time?"  
"Nothing, really..." Allen said. "Except... a pot fell off the shelf and hit her on the head. Could that have done it?"  
"Well, there's only one way to find out!" Saionji said. "Just hit her over the head again!"  
"I couldn't do that!"  
Saionji shrugged. "All right then. Hey, Celena... Fire!"  
"F-fire?"  
"Yeah, fire. Burning fire!"  
"B-burn?"  
"Saionji! What the hell are you doing???!!!!"  
"Heehee... muwahahahahhaha!!! Moero... moero!!"  
"BOP!"  
"B-bu... burn... heehee..." Dilandau thumped onto the floor, unconscious, and turned back into Celena.  
There was a pause.  
"Did it work?" Touga asked.  
Van shrugged. "We can only find out when she wakes up."  
"Say," I said. "How are we going to get back to our own world?"  
Miki nodded. "Indeed. Are we merely on a different planet or in a different dimension entirely?"  
"Hmm... what about those shafts of white light that are so common in this world?" Touga said.  
I turned to Hitomi, who was just regaining consciousness. "Hitomi! Could you send us back to our world?"  
"Perhaps..."  
Celena sat up with a start. "Oh dear! What's happened?"  
Allen looked down at Celena and sighed. "Fire."  
"... Fire? What about it?" she asked.  
Allen smiled. "She's cured! You've done it!"  
Saionji sighed. "Good. Now we can go home."  
"Oh, good," Anshi said. "Of course, it isn't as if we haven't enjoyed our time here, King Van."  
And as if on cue, a shaft of white light shone down and engulfed all of us.  
"Good timing," I muttered as I felt my feet hit the ground.  
"We're going home at last," Juri said.  
"Goodbye!" Miki called.  
"Bye, everyone!" I called.  
THUMP! I felt my head hit the ceiling. "Oops. Let's try that again."  
  
FINAL SCENE, TAKE TWO  
And as if on cue, a shaft of white light shone down and engulfed all of us.  
"Good timing," I muttered as I felt my feet hit the ground.  
"We're going home at last," Juri said.  
"Goodbye!" Miki called.  
"Bye, everyone!" I called and realized that we were going through the ceiling and out into the night sky.  
"Well..." Akio said. "I wonder where we'll end up next."  
"Hopefully it's home," Juri said.  
We looked out over the Gaia landscape laid out before us, and out to the starry sky with the Earth and Moon hanging above.  
"It's beautiful!" Anshi said.  
Suddenly, there was a flash of light and everything disappeared.  
  
I opened my eyes. The sun was out and we appeared to be in the middle of a woods.  
"Where are we?" Miki asked. "Are we in the Dueling Forest?"  
"Perhaps we never left Fanelia..." Juri said.  
"It's your fault we didn't make it home!"  
"It's your fault!"  
Just then, two shadows fell over us.  
Then... the shadows spoke.  
"Prepare for trouble!"  
"Make it double!"  
  
to be continued...  
  
preview of the next...  
We're not home? Then where are we?  
Can I live with Pokémon?  
Can I keep from getting infatuated with Kojiro?  
And will Akio be able to give the Pokémon collecting a rest?  
All these questions, and some questions you never wanted to  
know the answers to will be answered in:  
The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio, Episode Ten:  
"I Don't Want to Live in a Pokémon World!"  
  
"DON'T TAKE PICTURES!!"


	12. I Don't Want to Live in a Pokemon World!

The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio

Episode Ten: "I Don't Want to Live in a Pokémon World!"

**Notes: You can find some pretty perverted Pokémon stories on the Internet. This story is nowhere near the most perverted. The thing is, if you look at several Pokémon, there is great promise for ecchiness. And I'm not just talking about Tentacruel. Well… you'll see.**

**Let me tell you what Lickitung looks like in case you don't know. It's a cute pink thing, about four feet tall with a big slimy tongue. That's about all you need to know.**

**I'll be calling all the characters by their English names. It's not as if I don't know and prefer the Japanese ones, but I think most people know the characters by their English names, so I'm doing this for the sake of clarity.**

**As always, TEAORAA is a LIME! For those who are more sensitive, I take care not to describe any sexual incidents in detail. **

**Here we go!**

"Prepare for trouble!" the red-haired girl proclaimed.

"Make it double!" the purple-haired boy added.

"Oh, no…" Juri moaned. "Don't tell me we're…"

"To protect the world from devastation!"

"To unite all peoples within our nation!"

"We're in… the Pokémon world??!!" Touga groaned.

"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"

"To extend our reach to the stars above!"

"Then… I can catch up on my Pokémon collecting…" Akio grinned.

"Jessie!"

"James!"

I blushed. "It's… it's… JAMES!!!"

"Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light!" Jessie yelled.

"Surrender now or prepare to fight!" James called out.

"I'll surrender to you, James-sama!" I called out.

"Meowth! That's right!" Meowth hissed.

"Wow, a talking kitty! How cute!" Anshi said, scooping up Meowth.

"Hey, put me down, lady!" Meowth squawked. "Or I got a Fury Swipes attack with your name on it!"

Akio was sidling up to Jessie. "Hello there…"

"Ick! Get away from me!"

"James-sama!" I threw my arms around him. "James, looky looky!" I held up a coil of rope. "Here here!"

Akio made a very annoyed face. "You know, Ri-chan, you only have to ask and I would…"

"What's that for?" James asked.

"To tie me up with! You're evil right?"

"Uh… Ri-chan…" Akio said, clearing his throat.

James looked confused. "You… want me to tie you up and steal your Pokémon?"

"Yeah yeah!" I said. I could finally get rid of that Tentacruel. "I have a Tentacruel that you can have if you want!"

There was a flash of light that came from my pocket. "CRUEEELLL!!"

"H-how did it come out! I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO COME OUT!" I yelled.

"Uh oh, Reanna-sempai," Miki said. "It doesn't look happy! I think it remembers the promise you made it!"

"Oh… oh no…"

Akio grinned and patted James on the shoulder. "Ooh, it's about to get juicy! Settle in pal, and watch the action!"

"J-juicy?" James muttered.

"Muwahahahahaha… Here, James, have some popcorn!"

"I knew I couldn't count on you to help me out when I need it!" I screamed as I got picked up like a little rag doll. "Akio, HELP ME!"

Miki shook his head. "Shouldn't have broken your promise…"

"PUT ME DOWN!! I don't wanna have to go through this again…"

"Hey, I'm impressed!" Jessie said. "What do you call that attack? Can I have that thing?"

Akio shook his head. "Sorry, Jess. Ri-chan's very… attached to it… At the moment, in more ways than one." He looked over and shoved a handful of popcorn into his mouth. "Hot action."

"YAAAAAAAHHHHHH… … oh, no no no…" A few drops of blood fell from my nose to the ground. "Oops…"

"Look!" a voice called. "It's Team Rocket!" Ash cried. "…Ewwwww…"

"Oh no!" said Misty.

"They're… they're… what ARE they doing?" Brock asked, sporting a heavy nosebleed.

"Ash!" I cried. "Get over here and get Pikachu to save me! Fry this thing QUICK!!"

"Ick…" Ash mumbled. "That's really gross…"

"I don't want a Tentacruel anymore…" Misty moaned.

"I do!" Brock grinned.

WHACK!

"Eww… I think I'm gonna be sick…" Ash groaned. "But first we have to take care of Team Rocket!"

"What about ME??!! How about you rescue me? That'd be nice! OW! OW! You tryin' to kill me or something?"

"Okay, Team Rocket! Time for a Pokémon battle!" Ash said.

"You're on, kid!" James replied. "Weezing, I choose you!"

"Lickitung!" Jessie said. "I choose you!"

"Licky! Lickitung!"

"Wow!" Akio said. "I really need one of those!"

"NO YOU DON'T!! H-help me…"

"Pikachu, I choose you!" Ash cried. "You're history, Team Rocket!"

"Weezing! Smog attack, now!"

"Lickitung! Lick attack!"

"Licky?" Lickitung murmured. It looked at Pikachu… then at… me… at Pikachu… at me… "Licky! Licky licky!"

My eyes went wide. "Oh… oh no…"

"Lickitung! What are you doing! Get that Pikachu!" Jessie screamed.

"Ick! Not that!" I shrieked. "No, not that!!… … … … … … …. oh no…"

"Licky!"

"Ew, that's sick…"

"Woohoo!" Akio cried. "Go, Lickitung!"

"SHUT UP!"

"Lickitung! Pay attention to me! Go get that Pikachu!"

"Aw, crap… … AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! *&$#%^#&($*$ t^**46^&$($#%&#?:{^$^##%*&%*#%@&^&#!!!!!!!!!"

Akio smirked. "Yee-hah! Let's put this battle aside and…" He pulled out his camera. "Take pictures! Lots of pictures! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" SNAP! SNAP! CLICK! SNAP!

"I don't think I've ever been so humiliated…"

Akio looked disappointed. "You haven't? Not even the time that I…?"

"Pikachu! Use your Thunder attack on Lickitung, NOW!" Ash cried.

"Uh, Ash?" I said. "I think you've forgotten about me! I don't wanna be electrocuted!"

"Pika…" Sparks began to fly…

"No, WAIT!"

"CHUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!"

"YAAAAAHHHHHHH!! … That… … really hurts…"

Jessie, James and Lickitung were blasted into the sky… as usual… "LOOKS LIKE TEAM ROCKET'S BLASTING OFF AGAIN…!" ** ding! **

"Ash, you dope!" Misty cried. "You knocked out the girl and Tentacruel, too!"

Jessie zipped over to me. "Can I have your Tentacruel?"

"It's all yours…" I moaned. 

"You can have it," Akio said, "if you tell me where you got your Lickitung!"

"DON'T START COLLECTING ECCHI POKÉMON!" I screamed, gathering up my clothes. "I have enough to be afraid of as it is!"

"Let's get going, you guys," Misty said. "There's nothing but weirdos around here!" She started to drag Ash and Brock away.

"Thank goodness…" Ash groaned. "That was so sick…"

"Bye, Tenta-girl!" Brock called.

"Come on, we have enough problems of our own," Misty said.

"Problems?" Utena asked. "What kind of problems?"

"Well, if you must know, we have a Jigglypuff on our tail. It keeps singing us to sleep, and if it keeps that up, we'll never make it to Celadon for the Celadon Pokémon Tournament by tomorrow morning!" Misty said.

"Yeah, and by the time we get there, the sale on potions and Pokéballs will be over," Brock said.

"We can help!" Akio said. "When that Jigglypuff shows up, I'll just capture it!"

I was extremely skeptical. "Why are you so eager to help out, Akio?" I scowled, pulling on my shirt.

"Well," Akio said, looking slightly miffed. "Isn't it natural for one to want to help their fellow Pokémon trainers?"

"Yeah, Akio about that," Juri said. "When did you become a Pokémon trainer?"

"Never mind about that," Akio said, waving his hand. "Where's this Jigglypuff of yours?"

"I don't know…" Misty said, "But it always shows up when we least expect it and sings us to sleep."

"And you haven't tried to catch it?"

"It's impossible!" Brock said. "You can't catch a Pokémon if it sings you to sleep first…"

"That's true…" Utena said. "Well… we could use earplugs."

"Hmm… I know I have some in here somewhere…" Akio muttered, digging around in his pockets.

WHACK! "Stupid pervert!" I yelled.

"No, no, I mean it!" Akio whimpered. "Yeesh. Anyway, here they are." Akio held up quite a few pairs of earplugs.

"I'm not wearing anything that's been in YOUR pocket!" I said.

"What was that, Reanna?" Juri asked.

"Huh?" I looked over at Juri, who already wore a pair of earplugs.

"Everybody got earplugs who wants them?" Akio asked.

"Hai!" everyone called.

I crossed my arms.

"All right!" Brock said. "Let's test them! Jigglypuff! Oh, Jigglypuff! Where are you?"

"Puff! Jigglypuff!" Jigglypuff popped out of a bush, holding a microphone.

I put my fingers in my ears.

"Oh, no!" Akio grinned. "You didn't wear earplugs, now you gotta pay for it!"

Jigglypuff began singing. "Jigglypuff, Jigglypuff…"

Akio grabbed my hands and pulled them out of my ears.

"Hey! Cut that out!"

"Jigglyyyypuffff… Jigglypuff, Jigglypuff…"

"Akio, let me go!"

"Hahahahahaha!!"

"Jigglypuff, Jigglypuff… Jigglypuffffff…"

"You… stupid… … …"

THUMP!

"Reanna-sempai! Reanna-sempai, wake up!" Miki said.

"Uhhhh…" What happened?

"Ri-chan?" Akio asked. "Could you make that groaning sound again?"

"I WILL NOT!"

"Wow," Juri muttered. "She came out of that pretty quick…"

"Well… what happened?" I asked. "Did you catch the Jigglypuff?"

Touga shook his head. "It got away."

Akio smirked. "Will you wear the earplugs now?"

"No."

"Excuse me!" Misty said. "What are we going to do about the Jigglypuff now?"

"Split up and look for it," Akio immediately said. He put his arm around me. "I'll go with Ri-chan."

"LIKE HELL YOU WILL!"

"If you don't, I'll tell everyone everything that happened to you on that spaceship…"

"You wouldn't!!"

"Umm… I don't know what you're talking about, but that's a great idea!" Ash said. "We can each carry some Pokéballs in case we see it!"

"This isn't a good idea…" I muttered.

"I'll go with you, if that's all right…" Brock said to Juri.

"I don't think so."

Well, to put it shortly, there were only four Pokéballs between all of the trainers, so we decided to split up into three groups. Unfortunately, I went with Akio. Fortunately, Misty and Miki were with me. Touga, Saionji and Ash were in another group, the third group was made up of Utena, Anshi, Juri and Brock. 

"Ladies and gentlemen…" Touga said solemnly. "We are about to embark on an epic quest. A quest to capture the notorious Jigglypuff."

"Shut up!" Saionji jeered.

"Each group has only one Pokéball. So use it sparingly."

"Touga no baka!"

"Enough!" Misty cried. "Are you weirdos going to help us or not?"

"Yeah, we have to get to Celadon…" Ash whined.

"Pikachu!"

"Akio, I don't trust you with that Pokéball. Give it here," I said.

"No, I know how to handle Pokéballs!" Akio insisted. "Just leave it to me!"

Soon, we were all split up into our groups, in search of Jigglypuff. I wasn't enthusiastic about traveling with Akio, but I wondered how the other groups were getting on…

**********

"Jigglypuff are green!" Saionji yelled.

"They're red!" Touga yelled back.

"Umm… Jigglypuff are pink…" Ash said.

"Just like I said! Pink!" Touga said, hitting Saionji on the head.

"Uh… are we going to look for Jigglypuff or not?" Ash asked.

"I think a Pokémon battle should settle this!!" Saionji said.

"I'm game!"

"Uh… guys?"

Touga and Saionji both took out Pokéballs.

"Charmander, go!"

"Bulbasaur, I choose you!!"

**********

"Miss… er, Prince Utena, what do Jigglypuff look like, anyway?" Anshi asked.

"Jigglypuff are puffs that are jiggly!" Utena answered.

"No they're not, they're puffs that dance a jig!" Juri argued.

"Mr. Brock, you know what Jigglypuff look like, don't you?" Anshi asked.

Brock, obviously too busy staring at the girls, was not paying attention. "Uh… huh? What was that?"

"JIGGLYPUFF! WHAT DO THEY LOOK LIKE??" Juri roared.

"Oh! They're round, pink and… soft… and…" Brock answered. "Heh… heh heh…"

"Ummm… are we talking about the same thing here?" Utena asked.

"Looks like we can't depend on Brock…" Juri muttered.

"So… now what?' Anshi asked.

"Puff!"

"What was that?" Juri asked. "Was that…"

"Jigglypuff!"

"That's Jigglypuff's voice! Where is it?" Utena said.

Suddenly, Jigglypuff jumped out of a nearby bush, holding its microphone at the ready.

"SHIMATTA! IT'S GOING TO SING!!" Brock yelled.

"~~Jigglypuff, Jigglypuff… Jigglypuff, Jigglypuff…~~"

**********

"So, do you people train Pokémon?" Misty asked.

"I happen to be an experienced Pokémon breeder!" Akio said. "I am the discoverer of the rare species known as Pikamarill!"

"What's a… Pikamarill!"

"A Pikamerill is a Pikachu/Marill hybrid. I happen to have two with me right now." Akio put two fingers in his mouth and whistled loudly, and Chi Chi and Cha Cha popped out of his pockets and perched on his shoulders.

"Chi Chi and Cha Cha aren't Pokémon!" I said. "They're psycho hentai monkeys from hell!"

"Please, Reanna-sempai!" Miki said. "Psycho hentai monkeys from HECK."

Chi Chi and Cha Cha started crying.

"Look what you did, Reanna!" Misty said. "You made them cry!"

"But you don't understand, they're-"

"You should apologize!" Misty said.

Akio smirked. "Come on, Reanna. Say you're sorry."

"Oh… okay. Chi Chi, Cha Cha, I'm sorry I called you psycho hentai monkeys from hell."

Chi Chi and Cha Cha looked overjoyed.

"Aww, they're so cute!" Misty said.

Akio looked to the pair of "Pikamarill" with a smile. "Why don't you two show Ri-chan how much you love her?"

"CHI!!"

"CHA!!"

"STAY AWAY FROM ME!!" I dodged out of the way and the two monkeys landed on the ground and proceeded to chase me over hill and dale, etc.

"You see," Akio explained to Misty. "I first bred a Pikachu and a Marill five years ago and got a Pikamarill. I called it "Chu Chu" and gave it to my sister Anshi… then I bred a couple more."

"Wow, that's amazing!" Misty said. "So… what are you working on now?"

Akio held his chin in his hand pedantically. "Actually, I'm thinking that a Tentatung might prove useful…"

"DON'T YOU DARE!!" I stopped running long enough to bash Akio over the head. Unfortunately, that left me vulnerable to my pursuers, and before I could get going again, Chi Chi and Cha Cha scampered into the legs of my pants. "Not again…"

"So, what else have you done?" Misty asked.

"Well, I managed to extract basic Pokémon DNA and combine it with my own DNA… I called the result 'Chibi Akio.'"

"That's… a little strange…" Misty muttered.

"You have no idea…" Miki muttered.

"Get out! Out! Out of my pants!" I cried, stomping up and down.

"Jigglypuff!"

"Look, there's Jigglypuff!" Misty cried, pointing. "Where's the Pokéball?"

"~~Jigglypuff, Jigglypuff… Jigglypuff, Jigglypuff…~~"

"Crap…"

THUD!

**********

"Charmander!" Touga yelled. "Use flamethrower attack!"

Charmander reared back and let loose a fiery flamethrower attack… at Saionji.

"Oh YEAH?!" a charred, blackened Saionji screamed. "Squirtle! Use bite attack!"

Squirtle jumped up and bit Touga on the rear. Saionji, still smoldering cackled evilly.

"Umm…" Ash muttered. "You're not supposed to be attacking each other…"

"Charmander, return!" Touga zapped Charmander back inside the Pokéball and took out another from his pocket. "Okay… Charizard, I choose you!"

The huge orange winged lizard popped out of the Pokéball, baring its claws and puffing steam from its nose.

"A… A CHARIZARD??!!!" Saionji screeched. "Okay, two can play at that game! Squirtle, return!" Saionji took out another Pokéball and called out, "Onix, GO!"

Out of the Pokéball came an enormous snake made of rocks, almost thirty feet long.

"AH- HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!" Saionji laughed.

"Your Pokémon is PATHETIC compared to mine! THE VICTORY SHALL BELONG TO ME! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!" Touga cackled.

"Uhh… guys?"

**********

"Akio, wake up!" SLAP! "Akio, wake up!" SLAP! "Akio, wake up!" SLAP!

"OWWWW!!" Akio sat up and rubbed his cheek. "Ri-chan, you're a cruel woman…"

Miki and Misty gradually snapped out of their slumber.

"Reanna-sempai," Miki said, "when did you wake up?"

"I didn't," I said. "I never fell asleep."

"That's impossible!" Misty said. "If you could hear Jigglypuff's song, why didn't you fall asleep?"

"Actually…" I said, feeling embarrassed, "I hate to admit it, but I owe it all to Chi Chi and Cha Cha… when they were… er… going at me like they were… ahem… it would have been impossible for me to fall asleep."

"What happened to Jigglypuff?" Miki asked.

"Well, I was able to capture it, just before Chi Chi and Cha Cha fell asleep." I held up the Pokéball. "Our mission is accomplished!"

"And Chi Chi and Cha Cha?" Akio asked.

"Well…" I said. "I resisted the urge to get rid of them while they were sleeping, because that really would have been mean… as far as I know, they're still sleeping around here, somewhe—eep…"

"What is it?" Misty asked.

"I know where they are… and they just woke up…" **twitch twitch** "I'm going to… **twitch** hurt… **spasm** those little… **jerk** devils… **twitch** soooo badly…" I ran off to the relative privacy of behind a bush and began digging in my shirt and pants with evil, nasty thoughts running through my head.

"You little… buggers are… really fast… STAY STILL! QUIT MOVING AROUND! I'll get you…" It's not easy trying to catch two small animals with your bare hands, especially combined with my situation, and I was beginning to visibly and audibly show signs of that…

"How long do you think it will be until it hits?" Miki muttered, holding up his stopwatch.

"Oh…" Akio said. "The way they're going, I'd guess… fifteen seconds…"

"Gotta find 'em quick, gotta find 'em quick, gotta find 'em quick, gotta find 'em quick…"

"Five… four… three… two… one…"

"$$^#@#$!%$!%@^@&^@$$%*&*&%#!~@~$%^*^$*^&#(**)&@!!^!!!!!!@@@DTSG$fHS%^%@&JS%#&#&%#……… %&#GFSFS$BGVBS$^^@FSHFS%^!!!!!!!!!…"

"Right on schedule…" Miki muttered, clicking his stopwatch.

"… … … pant… gasp… pant… pant… gasp… gasp…"

Then, who should come along and see me panting and gasping… with my hands in my underclothes… than Brock, Juri, Utena and Anshi.

"Ummm… this looks bad, doesn't it?" I laughed nervously.

"Reanna-sempai!" Anshi scolded. "Shame on you!"

"And in a public place, no less…" Juri said, her arms crossed.

"I've misjudged you, Reanna…" Utena said.

"Does anybody have a tissue or something?" Brock asked.

"But I… wasn't me… um… I didn't do it…"

Chi Chi and Cha Cha popped out and perched on my shoulders.

"SEE?!" I yelled.

"Oh, don't you see, Reanna-sempai?" Anshi said. "They're just showing how much they love you!"

"Why does that fail to excite me?" I muttered.

"At any rate," Juri said. "We did find Jigglypuff, but it put us to sleep before we could react…"

"That's okay!" Misty said. "Reanna caught it!"

"All right!" Brock said. "Now we can go to Celadon without being interrupted! … Um… where are Ash and those other two guys?"

"We're right here," Ash said, walking up to us, followed by Touga and Saionji. Touga and Saionji's uniforms were torn or charred or dripping wet or one or all of the above.

"What happened to you?" Miki asked.

"These two decided to have a Pokémon battle instead…" Ash muttered.

"Which I won!" Touga announced.

"You're insane! I won!" Saionji said.

"I won!"

"I won!"

"I won!"

"No, I won!"

"Listen!" Brock said. "If you guys wanna settle this quick, you can come to Celadon and face off in an official match at the tournament tomorrow!"

"A perfect idea!" Touga said. "I can show everyone my superiority to you!"

"And I can show everyone how effortlessly I can whip your butt!"

"Don't we have to get home?" Anshi asked.

"We don't know how," I pointed out. "I think that until we find away to get back to our own world, we may as well enjoy our time here."

Akio shrugged. "Well… it's a plan… Everybody keep their eyes out for a Lickitung, okay?"

**facefault**

TO BE CONTINUED… 

**Preview of the next:**

**The upcoming tournament isn't the only excitement!**

**Who will win the "duel?"**

**What is it that I feel so compelled to show Brock?**

**And will my plan to dispose of Chi Chi and Cha Cha come to fruition?**

**All these questions, and some questions you never wanted to**

**know**** the answers to will be answered in:**

**The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio, episode eleven:**

**"Foolproof! Ambition has a subtle foe!"**

"Gotta find 'em quick, gotta find 'em quick, gotta find 'em quick, gotta find 'em quick…"

**(note: I'll probably be using this phrase whenever I'm looking for something from now on…)**


	13. Foolproof! Ambition has a Subtle Foe!

**The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio**

**Episode eleven: "Foolproof! Ambition has a subtle foe!"**

**By Reanna King**

**A/N: To all of you who continue to read my stories, I'd like to ask a favor of you… if you know anyone who might enjoy this story, please pass the word along. Ah, and all of you who read, PLEASE REVIEW so I at least know I'm not being ignored… And the good news, I've finally seen Utena episodes 14-37! (waves) Arigato gozaimasu, Erick!**

**Oh. **looks out at her audience** Does anybody here speak fluent Japanese? **

**Oh. Just for fun, I'm deciding to ask readers to submit to me ideas of things they think should happen when/if the final episode rolls around. I guess that's all for now. On with the fic!**

"Akio, that doesn't seem to be working…" I said. "Do something else…"

"I'm going to try pushing it in further, okay? … … Okay, how's that?"

"… … No, nothing… try moving it around."

"How's that?"

"No, nothing… Akio-san, could it be that it's been used too much?"

"What do you mean by that? … There, how's that?"

"Perfect!"

Akio stood up and stopped fiddling with the cords behind the TV. "Good, we finally got the cable to work!"

"Good," I said from where I sat, facing the TV. "You'd think that a fancy hotel in a city like Celadon would have decent cable without having to fiddle with it… did we miss Touga and Saionji's Pokémon match yet?"

"It's just about to start," Akio said, changing the channel.

"We're back with coverage on the 13th annual Celadon City Pokémon Tournament…" the voice on the television said.

There was a knock at the door.

"Hai!" I called.

The door opened, and Utena, Anshi (with Chu Chu on her shoulder), Miki, and Juri entered.

"Hey, everyone!" I said. "Come on in, I think Touga and Saionji are next!"

"Touga and Saionji are next," said the TV voice as we all seated ourselves around the TV. Not as if I would stay sitting there for long, of course… heh heh heh…

Akio turned to me. "Oi, Ri-chan. Kimi no kikuza namete mo ii desu ka?"

**(Oh no, the author didn't buy a book of Japanese slang. Why do you ask?)**

My face went red. "NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!"

Akio looked puzzled, and held up a bowl of popcorn. "Hmm… I thought you liked popcorn. Ah well…"

"P-p-popcorn?" I scratched the back of my head. "Sorry, I guess I misunderstood you…"

Akio shrugged and turned back to the TV.

"Oh!" the TV said. "And Touga has sent out Nidoking!"

"A Nidoking!!" Juri marveled, and turned to me. "How could Touga have a Nidoking?" "Perhaps he rented one," Anshi said. "Can you do that?" Utena asked.

"Hmm… I don't know anything about battle rules…" Akio said, and turned to me. "Ri-chan! Kimi no ochoko de yarashite kure no--!" 

"You can stop right there!!!!"

**(Slang book? What slang book?)**

"Reanna, what's wrong with Akio borrowing your Pokémon rule book?" Utena asked.

"Rule book?" I said blankly. "B-b-but he said…"

"I just asked for your book, Ri-chan!" Akio said. "After all… Chotto yubi ningyou suru no wa ii yo."

"SHUT UP!"

Everyone looked very confused. Well, I felt confused.

Akio looked at me, puzzled. "Ri-chan, mainichi ijitte-ru?"

"Uhh… umm…"

Miki laid a hand on my shoulder. "Perhaps you should lay down, Reanna-sempai. You're acting strange."

"We'll turn the TV off if you like," Juri said.

"I think she'll be okay," Akio said. "Remember… kanojo no omanko wa itsumo nureta desu yo."

"I SAID SHUT UP!!!!!"

I whacked Akio a good one before calming down. "That's only HALF true, thanks to Chi Chi and Cha Cha… speaking of which, where are the little demons, anyway?"

"They're still sleeping in the other room, I think," Anshi said.

"Is that so? Well, actually, I think I hear them… I'm going to go check on them…" I got up and went into the other room. "And get rid of them…" I whispered to myself. I saw Chi Chi and Cha Cha sleeping in their little monkey-mouse beds. Perfect. I grinned evilly and walked up to their sleeping forms. I pulled out a little velvet bag from my pocket, ready to cram them inside…

"Chi!"

"Cha!"

They popped out of bed, looking up at me happily, with begging, hopeful looks on their cute little faces.

"You guys are cute…" I muttered, "really cute…" I grinned evilly. "BUT NOT CUTE ENOUGH."

Chi Chi and Cha Cha looked up at me pitifully, making cute little "Chi" "Cha" noises.

I smiled. "Oh, how could I say no to you guys?" I opened up my shirt. WAIT! What have I just done, I thought as they hopped in and started doing their thing. "Eep! HEY! Don't do that!… N-not there… Crap, I blew it…"

Wait! I could still pull this off! I ran from the room, past where everyone was watching the Pokémon match on TV.

"Where are you going, Reanna-sempai?" Miki asked.

"I'm GOing tO the baAthrOOOm!!!" I yelled, running out the door and slamming it behind me.

Everyone was left behind me, wondering what the hell was going on.

"You know?" Akio said.

"What?" Utena asked.

"… … … I really miss the Akio car…"

"… … … Yeah… …"

I burst out into the hallway, the little bulges in my shirt still moving around at lightning speed. Now what? … … Of course! It was perfect! I ran down the hallway, looking for the room that would mean my salvation.

I ran into the bathroom and rushed into a stall, then thrust my hands into my bra, feeling around for Chi Chi and Cha Cha…

"Where are they…?" I felt around… and felt around… I even tried my pants, but I couldn't find them! They must have escaped at the last minute.

I pounded my fists against the stall wall. "SHIT!!!"

"No kidding," said a voice next to me. "Haven't you ever gone to the bathroom before?"

"I think I need a hug…" I whined.

"Can't help you there," the girl next to me said, "but if you need toilet paper, there's plenty over here."

"No thanks…" I muttered. I reached up to scratch my head—and was met with two clumps of short fur. Could it be? I wrapped my fingers around what I had found, which was making "Chi" "Cha" noises. "YES!! YES, YES!! Oh, YES!!"

"You shouldn't be doing those things in a public bathroom," the voice advised.

Ignoring the voice, I threw the little clumps of fur into the toilet and quickly flushed it, laughing evilly. "YOU TWO HAVE FELT ME UP FOR THE LAST TIME!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

I pranced out of the bathroom with a big grin on my face, with rainbows and rose-adorned cherubim floating over my head. Somewhere, a joyful fanfare played.

I threw open the door to our room with joy, causing everybody present to stare at me… again.

"Reanna…" Juri said, giving me a skeptical look, "What's with all the cherubim?"

I looked above my head. "Oh, those?" I swatted at them. "Scat, scat!!" I hissed, causing them to flutter away. I turned back to my friends and smiled innocently. "What cherubim?"

"Reanna-sempai, are you okay?" Miki asked worriedly.

"I'm better than okay, Miki-chan!" I said happily. "I feel better than I've felt in a long time!"

"That means something's wrong," Akio whispered.

"Shaddup!!" I yelled… then I noticed something. There was a dark trail on the floor moving across the carpet. I pointed to it. "Did somebody spill something?"

"Oh, no," Akio said, "Chi Chi and Cha Cha came in here a minute ago, dripping wet. Strange, huh?"

"Oh, not that strange," I said softly, cursing under my breath.

"No, I guess not, now that I think about it," Akio said to himself.

"Chi Chi!" **boing**

"Cha Cha!" **boing**

"Aw, F***…"

"Aww, look how glad they are to see you, Reanna-sempai!" Anshi said.

"GAAAAAAAHHHH!!! You're still wet, you know! And you're… c-c-c-c-c-COLD!!!! Stoppitstoppitstoppitstoppitstoppit!!"

"Wow, they're really going at it today," Utena commented.

"Okay… that's it…" I grabbed a baseball bat out of hammerspace and prepared to swing at Chi Chi and Cha Cha, who were still inside my clothes.

"Uh, Reanna-sempai, I don't think that's such a good idea…" Miki said.

"Oh, don't worry, I'll hit em…" I said with a deranged voice, and swung the bat. It made contact with… … my area.

"Reanna-sempai, are you okay?" Miki asked.

.. … … … … "ow…" THUD. "Somebody get me an ice pack or something…"

In a few minutes, I was lying on the bed with a cup of hot chocolate in my hand and an ice pack on my… … you know.

"How are you feeling, Reanna-sempai?" Miki asked.

"Better…" I said.

"That was a really dumb thing to do," Juri remarked.

"Shut up!"

"Well, we're going to go meet Touga and Saionji from the Pokémon tournament," Akio said.

"Do you need anything else before we go?" Anshi asked.

"No, I'm fine," I said.

"Okay, then, see you later!" Utena called, and they all left the room.

I settled into bed, and picked up the remote to turn on the TV.

Beep……….beep……….beep……….beep……….beep……….beep……….

"What the hell…?" I muttered, looking around the room for the source of the beeping. Finally, I noticed a little blinking hand pointing at my mug of hot chocolate. "Get away from my cocoa! Can't you see I'm trying to recuperate here?!"

Beep……….beep……….beep……….beep……….beep……….beep……….

"I said scat!" I whacked it, sending it flying across the room until it crashed into a wall and crumpled to the floor.

"That's better," I said, and picked the remote up again.

Beep……….beep……….beep……….beep……….beep……….beep………

"Now what?" I looked around and saw another hand pointing at my chest. "Get away from my boobs! Can't you see I'm trying to recuperate here?!"

Beep……….beep……….beep……….beep……….beep……….beep……… 

"GO AWAY, YOU PERVERT!" I grabbed it, ran in to the bathroom and flushed it down the toilet, ran back, and got back into bed.

"There," I said, not bothering to turn on the TV, but laying down to take a nap.

Beep……….beep……….beep……….beep……….beep……….beep………

"LEAVE ME ALONE!!" I said, sitting up and finding another hand pointing at my area. "Get away from my area! Can't you see it hurts?"

Beep……….beep……….beep……….beep……….beep……….beep………

"OKAY, THAT'S IT!!!" I picked up the hand and threw it out the window, where it plunged seven stories to its death. Just to be safe, I shut the window and drew the curtains.

I lay back in bed, pulled the covers over me and closed my eyes.

[DING]

[The elevator door opens, and REANNA slowly steps forward into the observatory. AKIO is sitting/lying on the white couch with his shirt open, and CHI CHI and CHA CHA sit on his shoulders]

AKIO: [holding an array of bondage gear… ropes, handcuffs, gags, etc.] Come here, Reanna.

[REANNA steps forward and sets her sunglasses on the table and walks toward the couch calmly]

CHI CHI: (evilly) Chi…

CHA CHA: (evilly) Cha…

[The shutters close, and everything goes black]

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" I abruptly sat up and threw the covers off me. A dream… Just a dream… "S-s-s-s-scary…" I shivered and wiped a drop of blood off my upper lip.

"Hey, are you okay?" an unmistakable deep voice spoke beside me. Akio smiled at me.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" I screamed. I looked around and saw that everybody had returned, including Touga and Saionji… Ash, Brock and Misty were there too. I quickly shook off my embarrassment and other various feelings. "Uh… who won?" I asked.

Touga sulked. Saionji beamed.

"I see…" I said.

"You suck," Touga pouted.

"I rule!" Saionji countered.

"We heard about your… accident," Misty said, "so we brought you a little something."

My ears perked up. "Aww, you didn't have to do that," I said modestly. "It's my fault I got hurt in the first place."

"Here you go," Brock said, handing me a small box with holes in it.

What could that possibly be? I lifted the lid.

"Licky licky!" a tiny voice said. Oh no… it couldn't be…

I slammed the lid back on the box. "Would this by any chance be a baby Lickitung?"

"Yeah, that's exactly what it is!" Ash said. "We were going to get you chocolate, but Akio said you'd like this better!"

"You were gonna get me CHOCOLATE?!" I cried. I jumped on Akio. "How dare you come between me and chocolate?!"

"The saliva of a Lickitung has strong healing properties!" Akio pointed out.

"I know what you're getting at and it's NOT GONNA HAPPEN!!!" I screamed.

"Wait… that's not true…" Misty said.

"No, I mean this particular Lickitung does…" Akio said.

"Listen, can't you hear it?"

We looked behind us and saw Touga huddled by himself in the corner. "Hear what, Touga?"

Touga smiled off into space. "If your soul has not truly given up…"

"Uh… Touga?" I asked.

"You should be able to hear this sound…" Touga took out a little red Hot Wheels car and started pushing it around on the floor. "Vrroooom… vroooom…"

"Touga? Are you okay…?" Juri asked.

"Running about the Ends of the World… … Vroooom vroooooooommmmm…"

"He's still depressed from losing," Saionji said. "He can't believe what a loser he is!"

"Uh, would you by any chance be related to a guy named Gary?" Ash asked.

"Well, I don't know what to do with this thing…" I looked into the box… but it was empty. "Hey, where'd it go—YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!"

"It's your fault for sitting around in your underwear," Juri pointed out.

"THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!… … … … Hey, I feel much better! Thank you, Lickitung… NOW GET OUT OF MY PANTIES!!"

"Lickylickylickylickylicky!!" The little Pokémon scrambled out of my underwear and back into the box.

"Reanna, don't be mean to it!" Misty said. "It was only trying to help!"

"Sorry, Misty, actually, it's really cute, and I like it very much. Thanks." I said.

"Hey, what about getting home to our own dimension?" Juri asked. "Have you forgotten that we're still in a totally different dimension?"

"I can take care of that," a new voice said.

We looked around and saw a man in a dark blue uniform and pink hair. "MIKAGE!" We all said.

"That's right. I've finally found you… do you know how long I've been looking? Is it really this easy for chumps like you to get lost in dimensional limbo?"

"Shut up, Mika-GAY!" Saionji retorted.

"I am not gay," Mikage said quietly. "Anyway, I came to explain to you all how you can travel freely between dimensions."

"And how do you know that?" Akio asked.

"I'm a figment of someone's imagination—of course I know all about interdimensional travel!" Mikage remarked.

"Why would you want to help us?" Utena asked.

Mikage shrugged. "How should I know? I'm just a figment of someone's imagination."

"Okay, okay, enough with the figment stuff…" Akio said. "Just tell us how to get back!"

Mikage waved his index finger. "Ah-ah-ah." He smirked. "First you have to do something for me."

"What would that be?" Miki asked suspiciously.

Mikage smiled slyly. "I want you to… … … make a Rose Bride outfit for Mamiya!"

"HEEEEHHHH??!!"

"That's right! Or I won't tell you how to get back!"

Akio looked around. "Does anybody around here know how to sew?"

I kept my hand down. The only people who raised their hands were Brock, Misty, Anshi and myself.

Brock said, "Well, we'd better get started on this Rose Bride thing."

"You don't have to help," Utena said.

"Not if you don't want to," Touga said. "But it looks like you do."

"Shut up, loser," Saionji hissed.

"HOLD ON A MINUTE!!" I screamed. "Where the hell did this dumb little plot twist come from?"

"The author, obviously," Anshi shrugged.

"Well, she's stupid!" I said.

"She's you," Akio noted.

"That's beside the point!"

"Okay, well…" Akio said, "while you guys work, I'm going to go watch these." He held up some Urotsukidoji tapes and walked off.

"Have fun, Onii-san!" Anshi called, and turned to the rest of us. "Well! Shall we begin?"

Akio pressed his ear to the door of the room we were sewing in.

"Here. Look at these," he heard me say.

"Wow! Those are big!" Takeshi said.

"You think so?"

"Well, they're just right. They're beautiful."

Akio raised an eyebrow and continued to listen.

"Here, touch it. Right there."

"It's so smooth!"

"Not so much!"

"Hey, come on, it's not going to rub off."

"Hey, stop!"

Akio's nose began to bleed.

"This one's shaped kinda funny, though."

"Well, they do say that no two are alike."

Akio grinned, and stuffed two tissues up his nose.

"Here. Watch what happens when they get wet!"

"Wow, wouldja look at that!"

Akio burst into the room, his nasal passages bursting at the seams. "I WANNA SEE!"

I looked up and smiled. "Why Akio-san, I had no idea you were into mineralogy!"

"W-what?" Akio looked over and saw a pile of rocks on the bed next to our sewing materials.

"I was just showing Brock my pretty rock collection. Wanna see?"

"N… no thanks."

"Well, as long as you're in here, why don't you help us finish up the outfit for Mamiya?" Misty asked. "It's the least you can do."

Akio grinned evilly. "Actually… I think… I'd rather… do THIS!"

Akio jumped on Reanna, yanking her shirt and bra off.

"Akio-san, what do you think you're doing????" Reanna screamed, trying to yank her arms out from under Akio.

"I think I'm doing THIS!!"

"Oh no… oh, don't do that!… … no… not there… Akio… Akio… Akio… Akio… Akio…"

"AKIO!!"

Akio was snapped out of his daydream by Misty glaring at him. "AKIO! As long as you're in here, why don't you help us finish up the outfit for Mamiya?" Misty asked. "It's the least you can do."

"… … … Sure." … too much Urotsukidoji, I guess…

"There. Finished!" Anshi said. "We're all done."

"Great," Brock said. "Somebody go tell that Mikage guy that we're done."

Mikage opened the door. "No need!" He walked over to where Anshi was holding the outfit. He took it and held it up. "It's a dress," he pointed out.

"Isn't that what you wanted? A Rose Bride outfit?" I asked.

"Yes, but I never asked for a DRESS!" Mikage shrugged. "Well… it's not perfect, but it's adequate. Call everyone in and I'll tell you all how to return home."

"I'll do it!" Brock ran out of the room.

I turned to Akio. "What was with that blank look on your face back there?"

"Huh? Oh, nothing…" Akio said.

"Hey! Are you staring at my chest?"

"Huh? No, of course not!"

"Yes, you are! And you were back then too!"

"No I wasn't!"

"Dweeb!" Touga said as he walked into the room.

"Moron!" Saionji retorted as he walked in behind him.

"Freak!"

"Dork!"

"Stupidy-stupid head!"

"Poop head!"

"That's enough, guys," Utena said as she walked in with the remainder of the party who had left the room earlier.

"Well? Are you going to tell us how to get home now?" Juri asked.

Mikage shrugged. "I may as well. Here it is: all you have to do is summon the Akio car. It has the power to take you home."

"But we shoved the Akio car into a volcano!" I said.

"Please don't remind me…" Akio muttered.

"I think that if you try to call the Akio car, you'll realize different. See ya." Mikage disappeared.

"Well, that was stupid," I muttered.

Touga turned to Saionji. "YOU'RE stupid."

"My dad could beat up your dad."

"Well you can't be my friend anymore."

"Well, you can't come to my birthday party!"

"Listen, whatever this Akio car thing is, how do you summon it?" Ash asked.

Everyone looked at Touga.

"Go on, say the line, Touga…" Utena said.

"Oh, okay…" Touga grumbled. "Listen… can't you hear it?"

vroooom…

"If your soul has not truly given up…"

Vrooooommmm…

"You should be able to hear this sound…"

Vrroooom… vroooom…

"Running about the Ends of the World!…"

VROOOOMMMM…

"Then come, journey with us, to the world which you desire!" Touga spread his arms, his jacket unfurled like a pair of wings, and his hair blew in a nonexistent wind… and… nothing happened.

"Dammit."

"Mikage said it would work!" I said.

"I guess he lied…" Utena said.

"But why would he come all this way just to lie to us?" Miki asked.

"To screw us over," Juri suggested.

VROOOOOM VROOOM VROOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!

The Akio car crashed through the wall of the hotel room and came to a rest next to us.

"Baby!" Akio cried and hugged the car and gave the rearview mirror a kiss.

We all gave Akio a weird look, causing Akio to stand straight up.

"Err… right," Akio said.

The Akio car began communicating to Akio via a series of light flashes, honks, and windshield wiper waves. 

"Ahh…" Akio said. "It says that it survived being pushed into the volcano because it spat it out. The car isn't a virgin."

"Okay, you can shut up right there, Akio."

"What happened to the island?" Juri asked.

The car began talking again.

"The car says that the volcano erupted," Akio translated.

"Huh. Isn't that nice. Come on, everyone, let's go home!" Juri said.

We all hopped into the car (it was quite a fit). Akio started up the car, whereupon it disappeared from the hotel room.

The Akio car reappeared in what looked like a medieval town.

"This can't be Ohtori…" I muttered.

"Not again…" Utena groaned.

"Shh!" Miki said. "I hear voices."

"Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows…"

"What's that?"

"Buried in the stream of time…"

"SHIT!!!"

TO BE CONTINUED…

**Now we're in the Slayers world!**

**Who will we see there?**

**Which season will it be?**

**What the hell is an "episodic guest?"**

**All these questions, and some questions you never wanted to**

**know**** the answers to will be answered in:**

**Ecchi**** Adventures, episode 12:**

**"Get Along! Try Again!"**

"THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!… … … … Hey, I feel much better! Thank you, Lickitung… NOW GET OUT OF MY PANTIES!!"


	14. Get Along! Try Again!

Ecchi Adventures  
  
By Reanna King  
  
Episode 12: "Get Along! Try Again!"  
  
Author's notes: You knew it would happen eventually: A Slayers crossover. I've been waiting to do this for a while, and I already have something very special planned for the next episode, which will likely be either a very long episode or a very long story arc, whichever I decide, lasting 3 or 4 of the normal length episodes… at least. Don't worry; it's not another crossover… not really ;) Yes, it will have SOME continuity. ;) Until then, please support your local Reanna King by reading her many other stories… I mainly wrote this fic listening to my Slayers Best album and songs from the Utena musical (thanks, Megan!). Wanna know what an episodic guest is? Mikage was the first… basically it's a cameo by a more minor Utena character, and there'll be plenty more.  
  
By the way, visit the official Ecchi Adventures page at , soon to feature pictures, fanart, and pictures of the creepy/cute Chi Chi and Cha Cha plushies I made. It already features every current episode of TEAORAA, its own guestbook and a special NC-17 Ecchi Adventures fanfic there that doesn't and won't appear here on FFN. My friend Furio wrote it, okay?! Okay, let's get started shall we?  
  


  
"… … by the power you and I possess!"  
  
"Everybody run!" I shouted.  
  
"It won't do us any good…" Miki pointed out.  
  
"Huh?" Lina said. "You ruined my Dragon Slave!"  
  
"Uh, sorry…" Utena said, climbing out of the Akio car. "We were just…"  
  
"Lina-san! I'm not sure we should trust these strange people," Filia said, her tail sticking out from under her dress. "They look so unusual…"  
  
"Filia-san!" Amelia said. "It is unjust to judge someone by how they look alone!"  
  
"Yeah, but that girl is being molested by two small monkeys…"  
  
"You've got a point there…"  
  
(It wasn't until Furio wrote "Planetarium Night" that I realized just how weird the whole Chi Chi and Cha Cha thing is. Weird huh?)  
  
"Lina!" I shouted. "Could you fireball this guy next to me? PLEASE?!"  
  
"Hmmmm…" Lina said. "I'll do it for thirty gold pieces!"  
  
"I don't have ANY gold pieces!" I cried.  
  
"Too bad!" Lina said sweetly. "A girl's gotta make a living somehow!"  
  
"Hidoi desu yo, Lina-san te ba!" I groaned.  
  
"That's what I said," an unmistakable voice said from just above me.  
  
"T-that's…"  
  
Xelloss floated down from a few feet above us and snatched me out of the car. "Having problems?" he asked. He turned to Akio. "You'd make a fine Mazoku… just lay off the girl, ne?"  
  
"You're one to talk, fruitcake," Akio grumbled as Xelloss fished Chi Chi and Cha Cha out of my pants.  
  
"Xelloss-sama…" I purred.  
  
"Xelloss!" Filia cried. "Stop corrupting that girl!"  
  
"Ah well," Akio sighed, jumping gracefully out of the car and sidling up to Lina. "How about you? Wanna touch my monkey-mouse?"  
  
O_o "DIL BRAND!!"  
  
**********  
  
"So… you people are from another dimension?" Zelgadis asked, once Akio had recuperated enough for us to get to Filia's Mace N' Vase Shoppe, conveniently located in the nearest town. We were all seated rather tightly (there were a lot of us) in Filia's sitting room, behind the store part of the building.  
  
"That's right," Utena said. "And we've been trying to find our way back to our home dimension since… … How long have we been trying to find our way back to Ohtori, anyway?"  
  
"Since this story started…" I muttered, my head buried in Xelloss's cloak.  
  
"We've been lost in dimensional limbo ever since we escaped from Nylc and Clyn's space ship, haven't we?" Juri asked.  
  
"Don't remind me," I groaned. "I still have nightmares…"  
  
"I don't understand any of this!" Gourry said cheerfully.  
  
"For once, you're not the only one," Lina said, just before she noticed Touga and Saionji on either side of her. "… … … WHAT DO YOU WANT??!!!!"  
  
Touga and Saionji said at the same time, "Will you teach us how to do magic?"  
  
Lina turned to the rest of us. "Something tells me that would be a very bad idea."  
  
We all nodded. "They're a couple of crazies," we all more or less said.  
  
"Speaking of crazies," Zelgadis said to Filia, "where are Jillas and Gravos?"  
  
"Off running errands for me," Filia said sweetly, then turned to Xelloss. "Get off Reanna, you evil Mazoku!"  
  
"Um, she's cuddling up to ME…" Xelloss pointed out.  
  
"Teeheehee… Xelloss-sama…"  
  
Xelloss smirked at Akio.  
  
"What is it with you?" Akio asked.  
  
"Sore wa himitsu desu…" Xelloss grinned cutely.  
  
"Heehee… you're so cute, Xelloss-sama…" I giggled.  
  
"She kinda reminds me of Martina…" Amelia said.  
  
"Yeesh. You're right…" Lina agreed.  
  
"Are these people scaring you too?" Filia asked Zelgadis.  
  
"Oh, very much…" Zelgadis said. "I'm just waiting for them to either start killing or having sex with each other… I can't decide…"  
  
"They don't seem to get along well, do they?"  
  
"No…"  
  
"What are you talking about?" Akio asked. "We get along great! Especially me and her!" He pointed at me. "Isn't that right, Ri-chan?"  
  
"Go to hell!" I muttered.  
  
"See! She's crazy about me!" Akio winked. Before I knew what was going on, Akio reached for me.  
  
"GAAHH!! Stay away!" I cried, jumping up suddenly… then I heard a crash from the other side of the table I had bumped.  
  
"Oh, no!" Filia cried, racing to the other side of the table, where a basket was overturned on the floor.  
  
"Look what you did!" Touga hissed.  
  
"Like hell! This is all your fault!"  
  
"You wanna go?!"  
  
"Yeah! Let's!"  
  
Touga and Saionji pulled out swords and began having it out again.  
  
"Complete and utter chaos… again…" muttered Juri.  
  
"It's broken! Val's egg is broken!" Filia cried.  
  
Tears welled up. "Oh, Filia… I… I'm… I'm so…"  
  
"Horny?" Akio asked.  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Wait… all I see is this…" Filia held up the shiny blue-green shell of the egg. "I know it wasn't empty all that time…"  
  
"Ah well. Too bad…" Xelloss said, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
"Ooh, you're so naughty, Xelloss-sama…" I giggled.  
  
"I can be more than that…" Xelloss whispered in my ear.  
  
"Ooohhooohoo… heheeheheee…."  
  
"Reanna… your nose is bleeding again…"  
  
"Heehee… heehee… **giggle**"  
  
"Oh, brother…"  
  
"Ato de, ne?" Xelloss whispered.  
  
"Yeah, yeah… heehee… let's…"  
  
"Well then!" Xelloss stood up and took hold of me around my waist, just before he disappeared with me.  
  
  
  
"Hey! Where did Reanna and Xelloss go?" Utena asked.  
  
"They disappeared," Gourry noted.  
  
"Oh, no!" Filia cried, still rummaging through the basket/egg wreckage. "He's taken her off where he can be alone to do awful, evil things to her!"  
  
"Lucky girl…" Touga muttered.  
  
"Shut up!" Lina said.  
  
"Yeah! Shut up!" Saionji yelled.  
  
"Hey!!!! Everyone be quiet!" Filia said, brandishing her mace.  
  
Everyone shut up in a hurry.  
  
"Does anybody hear a crying sound?"  
  
Everybody listened closer…  
  
"I think I hear it…" Zelgadis said.  
  
"Where's it coming from?" Amelia wondered.  
  
  
  
"X-Xelloss… Where are we?"  
  
"Sore wa himitsu desu…"  
  
"I should have seen that coming."  
  
"Rea-chan… have you ever… …"  
  
"Wha? Huh?"  
  
"Shh… just relax…"  
  
"Wh-what are you doing…?"  
  
"Relax and enjoy, Reanna-san…"  
  
"Ch-chotto… … … … … … … … Oh, Xelloss-sama!…" Maybe… he's just doing this to spite Akio? Ah… who cares?  
  
  
  
"Look! Up there!" Lina pointed up onto a nearby shelf, where a tiny black object was throbbing up and down, making sobbing sounds.  
  
"V-Val?" Filia asked. She walked over to the shelf and reached up to take the shivering baby ancient dragon off of the high shelf.  
  
"Does anybody care that Xelloss has just kidnapped Ri-chan?" Akio asked.  
  
"Oh, stop overreacting, Onii-sama…" Anshi smiled. "I'm sure they're fine…"  
  
"Look, everyone!" Filia said. "It's little Valtiera!" She held up the little baby boy, which was dwarfed by the black wings sticking out of his back. He had stopped crying.  
  
"Cute!" Amelia said. Everyone began to crowd around the baby.  
  
"Uhhhhh… everyone?" Akio said.  
  
"Oh, I love babies!" Anshi said.  
  
"Come on, everyone!" Filia said. "Into the baby room! I've had everything prepared for this moment for a long time!"  
  
"You prepared yourself for a clumsy self-insert?" Zelgadis asked.  
  
"Yes!" Filia said. "Uh… I mean, no! Just follow me!" Filia walked from the room, followed by everyone else… except Akio.  
  
"Looks like it's up to me to bring Ri-chan back!" Akio said, heading out the door to the Akio car.  
  
  
"Can't let him be the first!" Akio muttered, hopping into the Akio car with Chi Chi and Cha Cha. "We can never let her know the real reason… the real reason I pursue her…"  
  
"Chi?"  
  
"Cha?"  
  
"I remember that time… that time we made that deal… when I allowed her to enter my world…" Akio started up the car. "Okay! Let's go get Ri-chan!"  
  
  
  
Filia finished fastening a diaper onto Valtiera. "There. Don't you just look so cute?" she cooed. "Yes, you do… ooh, yes you do!"  
  
"Cute…" Touga said.  
  
"I think it looks cute more than you think it looks cute!" Saionji said.  
  
"SHUT UP!"  
  
Valtiera began crying.  
  
"Look what you people have done!" Filia said.  
  
"Come on, you two…" Juri said, taking a hold of Touga and Saionji's hair and dragging from the room.  
  
"Is anyone worried about Rea-chan?" Miki asked.  
  
"She's fine," Utena said. "How bad could that floaty purple thing be?"  
  
Filia whirled around, her tail sticking out from under her dress. "Let me tell you a little something about that 'floaty purple thing…'"  
  
 "Mazoku…" Akio grumbled. "I hate Mazoku… they're almost as bad as Shikima…"  
  
  
  
"So… Reanna is in the hands of a demon?" Utena asked. (Anshi had yet to wipe that all-knowing smile off her face)  
  
"That's right!" Filia said. "Now do you see?"  
  
"Then, as a prince, it's my duty to save her!" Utena said.  
  
"Now, I'm sure you're all overreacting over this…"  
  
"She's screwed," Juri muttered.  
  
"IT'S YOUR FAULT!" two distant voices screamed.  
  
  
  
Akio stormed into the room and saw Reanna lying asleep in the bed among the silky red sheets, and Xelloss sitting on the edge of the bed, putting on his tunic.  
  
Akio gasped. "You didn't!"  
  
Xelloss smiled evilly. "I did."  
  
"I don't believe it!"  
  
Xelloss shrugged. "Well, she asked me to."  
  
"No! I'm too late!"  
  
Hearing voices, I woke up. "Oh, hi, Xelloss-sama… Akio-san, what are you doing here?"  
  
"Reanna, I can't believe you did it… I can't believe you had sex with that Mazoku!"  
  
"Had… sex… with?" Xelloss and I asked.  
  
"Oh, don't be silly!" I giggled. "He just tied me up a bit! We were just playing! Silly Akio-san…" I sighed happily and snuggled back into bed.  
  
"H—huh?"  
  
Xelloss nodded… and winked at me.  
  
"Xelloss! Is that really all you did?"  
  
"… … … Sore wa himitsu desu."  
  
"Hmmmph…." Akio grumbled. Then he smiled. "Well… there's just one way to find out." He jumped onto the bed.  
  
"YEEEEEEEEEEK! DON'T YOU TOUCH ME!!!!!!"  
  
  
  
Everybody ran out to the Akio car… or where it should have been.  
  
"Say, it's gone!" Utena said.  
  
"Akio must have taken it…" Zelgadis said.  
  
"It seems to me that Xelloss and Akio don't get along well," Lina said. "And Reanna will be stuck in the middle of all this… and that's not good…"  
  
"I don't know what's going on, but at least that's obvious…" Gourry murmured.  
  
"Well, without the Akio car, we're not going anywhere…" Juri said.  
  
Filia came out cradling Valtiera. "That stupid Mazoku…"  
  
  
  
"AKIO, I'M TIRED, NOW STOPPIT!!! I SAID CUT IT OUT!!!"  
  
Akio sighed. "Okay, okay, I believe you. But remember your deal."  
  
"I never promised you anything of the sort!"  
  
"Well, I left the contract back at Ohtori, but trust me, you did. Now get in the car."  
  
"I hate that car…" I muttered as I got in. "I'd rather stay with Xelloss-sama…"  
  
Xelloss winked at me. "You go on ahead, Reanna-san, while I clean up around here."  
  
Akio started. "Clean up?! Clean up what??!??!?!?!?"  
  
Xelloss held up a handful of rope. "Just the ropes and stuff."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Silly Akio-san!" I jumped into the car. "See ya later, Xelloss-sama!"  
  
Whoo. What a day it's been.  
  
  
  
Filia took out Mace-sama and held it at the ready. "Well, when he appears again, I'll be ready for him." She looked over to Valtiera, who was being held by Amelia. "Just you watch, Val. This is what you do with Mazoku."  
  
Akio and I appeared suddenly, in the Akio car. Akio had been lecturing me… and I had not been listening.  
  
"So, from now on, just remember our—"  
  
KONK!  
  
"Owwww…"  
  
"Oh, sorry!" Filia said. "I thought you were Xelloss!"  
  
I clapped. "Thank you, Filia!"  
  
"Just for that…" Akio said, pulling out Chi Chi and Cha Cha. "Go get 'er!" Chi Chi and Cha Cha charged at me.  
  
"BUT I DIDN'T EVEN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Akio yawned. "I'm going to bed…"  
  
"AKIO-SAAAAAAAAAAAN!"  
  
"And where exactly do you expect to sleep?" Filia asked.  
  
"Here," Akio said in a groggy voice.  
  
"You really expect me to let all of you sleep in my home? Just how insane do you think I am?" Filia asked, holding Valtiera close.  
  
Everyone stared at Filia.  
  
"I guess there's no fighting it is it?"  
  
Everyone shook their heads.  
  
"I'll get the extra blankets…" Filia sighed.  
  
"Don't forget about me!"  
  
"Who's that?"  
  
"N-N-N-Nanami!"

  
  
TO BE CONTINUED…

  
  
Poor Filia!  
  
What's next?  
  
Just what did Xelloss do to me?  
  
What kind of chaos will Nanami add to the mix?  
  
All these questions, and some questions you never wanted to  
  
know the answers to will be answered in:  
  
The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio, Episode Thirteen:  
  
"Don't Be Discouraged!"


	15. Don't Be Discouraged!

The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio

Episode 13: "Don't Be Discouraged!"

By: Reanna King

**Notes: Sorry for the wait, people, but it's finally here! Ahead of time, let me say that when Akio says "my little ones," he is talking to Chi Chi and Cha Cha… Oh… I think I must have listened to Megumi Hayashibara's "Feel Well" from Slayers PREMIUM (I wanna see it!!) a hundred times while writing this. If you can find that song, then get it, it's a great song!!!!!! Oh… speaking of Slayers… … the identity of the other Mazoku Xelloss speaks of in this episode is… … a secret. I did the spell names in romaji because… … it's fun… therefore "huaiaa boru" = Fire ball and "suriipingu" = Sleeping. Also, "Dokukurage" is the Tentacruel's original name. If you can't pronounce that correctly, then what are you doing reading this fic? :p Kasane-chan: I know you-know-who would never hit Xel-sama over the head with a mallet, but maybe in this case he'd make an exception. What do you think? And yes, Xelloss and the mystery Mazoku WILL be making more appearances after this episode!**

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

I was startled awake. Screaming? I sat up from where I had been sleeping—a mat on the floor. Filia had decided to separate the males from the females by putting the girls in the foyer and the males in the spare bedroom.

So who was it who had screamed? I got up and stumbled out of the foyer to the spare bedroom. The scream had only come once, and now it was quiet. I put my ear to the door.

"That's unfair," I heard Akio's voice say from inside the room. "I'm the one who rules here. Can't I even enjoy a dream?"

What?…

"Oh, my little ones…" the voice continued. "You were enjoying the dream too? Then, we should promptly return…"

What the hell…? I leaned against the wall for a minute to ponder this. After a minute, the door opened and Miki came out.

"Miki… what are you doing up?"

Miki rubbed his eyes. "I couldn't sleep. First Akio woke up screaming, then he started talking to Chi Chi and Cha Cha… now he keeps talking in his sleep."

"**grumble grumble…** new constellation…" Akio's voice came from inside the room.

"Talking about what?"

Miki blushed. "Ah… … well…"

"Mmmmm… roller coaster…" came the voice.

"Actually," I said, "it sounds innocent enough to me."

"**snore…** Chocolate cream…"

Miki's entire face turned red. "Keep listening…"

I put my ear up to the door, and heard Akio continue to mutter to himself. What was it he was saying about… … … … "Hey!" … … … … … "Why, that…" … … … … … … "…the HELL?!"

"See why I can't sleep?" Miki said.

"Yeah…" I said.

"Reanna-sempai … what's the deal that Akio was talking about?"

Deal?… I crossed my arms. "I never made a deal… he must have just been talking nonsense in his sleep."

"… I see."

"**mumble…** …volcano…"

"Huh?" I wondered. "What does a volcano have to do with anything?"

Miki shrugged.

"Reanna… **mumble… grumble…** CENSORED **grumble…** ALSO CENSORED ** mmmm… Ri-chan… ** VERY VERY CENSORED **grumble…**"

Miki turned bright red.

"That does it! I'm going in!" I stormed into the room and saw Akio lying on the floor under one of the spare blankets Filia had gotten out last night. I knelt down beside him and nudged him gently.

"Akio-san!"

"… … reward… …"

I put my hands on his shoulders and him. "Wake up, Akio-san!"

"**grumble** Eventually… …"

I grabbed a handful of his hair (it was lying loose out of its funky green thingy) and yanked on it. "Wake up!!!"

"… … oh, shit…" Akio groaned and sat up slowly. "Damn…" He rubbed his eyes and threw the covers off him.

"GAAAAAHHHH!!" I screamed. "YOU'RE NAKED!" Feeling myself turn an extremely bright shade of red, I grabbed the blanket and threw it back onto him and ran from the room.

"You know, generally, that's not a good sign…" I heard Touga's voice say.

"Shut up," came the reply.

"Yeah, shut up," came a second reply.

"Reanna? What happened?" Miki asked.

"Don't ask…" I muttered. "I'm going back to bed. After all this commotion, I'm sure I'll just drift off to sleep…"

"Morning, everyone!" Filia called, sweeping aside the curtains and allowing the blinding sun to enter the room.

"Gahhh… I DIDN'T SLEEP AT ALL!!!" I groaned and pulled the sheet over my head. "What time is it?"

"What was that, Ri-chan?" Akio asked smugly from the hall, completely dressed and groomed and looking very awake.

"I asked what time it wa— shut up! Hey, and how are you up already?"

Akio shrugged. "There'd be something wrong with the world if someone like me tossed and turned in bed until noon every day," he smiled.

Anshi nodded cheerfully.

I sat up. "I guess… …"

"Hey, why are you getting us all up so early?" Nanami demanded.

Filia smiled cheerfully. "Because I have a little favor to ask of all of you! I need all of you to baby-sit Valtiera while I run some errands today." She held up the little baby. "There are plenty of you, so it shouldn't be too difficult…" she said uneasily.

"Boy, you sound confident…" I muttered.

"We'd be happy to!" Utena said.

"Do princes baby-sit?" Juri asked.

"Shut up!"

Filia smiled (somewhat forcibly), her eyebrow twitching. "I knew I could count on you. Jaa, mata!" And Filia left.

"Ahh, I can't believe I'm in the Slayers world, on a beautiful day, but stuck inside a stuffy house for the whole day!" I moaned.

"Reanna! Filia-san is counting on us!" Utena said. "It's our job to make sure she can feel safe about leaving Valtiera for the day!"

"Sou desu ne!" Anshi said.

"Right Ri-chan, look on the bright side," Akio said, "you have me here for company."

"GET LOST!"

"As you wish," Akio said, and walked off to the spare bedroom.

"That was strange… …" I said.

"He's trying harder," Juri observed.

"What do you mean by that…"

"Ah yes, Reanna… at last, I have you where I want you… … the way I want you…"

"Akio-san, untie me right now!"

"Now now, it's useless to struggle…"

"No, please, you mustn't! I… I… I'm a self-insert!"

"You have defied me for far too long… now… finally… it is time!"

"No, no, let me go… wait no, don't do that…!"

Akio sat on his mat in the spare bedroom. In one hand he held a hastily stitched together Akio doll. In the other hand he held a hastily stitched together Reanna doll… with a noticeable absence of clothing, and a noticeable presence of kite string wrapped strategically over its body.

He momentarily put the Reanna doll down and picked up a hastily stitched together Xelloss doll.

"Hey you! What do you think you're doing?" 

"Xelloss!"

"I'm here to save Reanna!"

"Oh yeah? Take that!" Akio threw the Xelloss doll across the room, and picked up the Reanna doll again.

"Now, at last… we are alone…" The Akio doll sauntered over to the bound Reanna doll.

"No, leave me alone! Let me go! I hate you! And yet… … I find you strangely attractive…"

"Of course you do… … women are naturally attracted to men with phallus-shaped towers and cool red convertibles. And I have both… and you know it…" The Akio doll drew closer to the Reanna doll.

"No, no, don't touch me! Stop, stop!"

"Reanna, kiss me!"

"No, I won't!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"N… no… Ohhhh… ohhhhh, Akio… Akio-sama… yes… oh, yes!…"

"Akio-san, what are you doing?"

The dolls stopped doing vulgar things. "YEEEEEEK!" Akio whirled around to find Xelloss watching attentively, and gathered up the toys in a hurry. "What are you doing here?!… … … did you see anything?"

"No, Akio-san. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again."

"Good!"

"Okay, then… see ya!"

"Wait!" Akio said.

Xelloss looked back. "Hmm?"

"Why… why do you keep interfering with Reanna and I? Is it that you're that interested in her?"

"Sore wa himitsu desu!"

"Answer me, you damn Mazoku!"

Xelloss scratched the back of his head. "Ah, well, Reanna's kind of cute, but… this is mostly just to inconvenience you! See ya!" Xelloss disappeared.

Akio shook his fist at the empty air. "DAMN YOU, XELLOSS!!!"

"You're very welcome!… …" Xelloss's lingering voice said cheerfully.

Val was crying.

"Juri-sempai!" Utena said. "I can't figure out why Val's crying! I've tried everything!"

"Maybe he just misses Filia…" Miki said. **click**

"Oh, I don't know!" Utena said, and shoved Val into my arms. "Reanna, make Val happy!"

"I- I- I- I don't know what to do!" I said.

"You're a self insert!" Nanami said. "Self inserts know everything!"

"Don't say that!" I cried. "Don't even say that!!"

Nanami paused. "What's with her?"

"There have been so many blatant and shameless self inserts with worldly knowledge and power before Reanna, by the time she wrote this story, there wasn't much left over for her," Touga told her.

"So that's why she's so pathetic…"

"**sniff** **sniff** Nanami… you're so mean… …"

"Great, now Reanna's gonna cry too… …" Juri muttered.

"No, I'm not… …" I said. "I have to cheer up Val!" I started making funny faces at the baby ancient dragon.

Val cried harder.

"You've scared him," Saionji said. "You're just not 'funny face' material."

"Neither are you!" Touga said. "You suck!"

"F*$^ off!"

"Blow me!"

"Ano… …" Anshi murmured. "Perhaps it isn't a good idea to be talking like that around the baby…" She pointed to Val.

"Gah, I just can't get him to stop crying…" I moaned.

"Let me try," a voice from behind us said.

"Akio-san? You know how to take care of babies?"

Akio smiled winningly. "Of course. I'm Dios, remember?"

"No, you're not."

"You know what I mean… …"

"Say, where have you been, anyway?" Touga asked.

"Oh, just releasing some pent-up stress…" Akio sighed. "Now, are you going to let me show you how to cheer up little Val?"

Akio knew how to take care of babies? Well, that was unexpected… maybe I'd see a side of Akio I'd never seen before. "Okay, let's see it."

"Right… … Give Val to Juri."

"Juri?"

"You heard me."

"Okay…" I handed the crying baby to Juri.

Akio grabbed hold of my arms and then whistled loudly. "Chi Chi, Cha Cha, come get her!"

"NANI?!"

"Chi Chi!"

"Cha Cha!"

"WHAAA---! Akio-san, how is this gonna make Val happy???!!!!"

"Oh, you'll see……"

"I don't wanna see! Let me go!!"

Miki turned away. **sigh** "I can't watch this…"

"YAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! $^&$%$#!$%&*&$*&^#$@$^*.*^$@!#%&*^#@$^&*#@#%&@%*!$&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Wow, that didn't take long… good job, Chi Chi and Cha Cha!"

Val began laughing.

"Oh, look, he's happy now!" Anshi said, smiling. "How wonderful!"

"That baby has a cruel sense of humor…" I moaned.

"I think I wanna go home now…" Nanami muttered.

"Akio… … … that was really humiliating… … and mean… …"

"I couldn't agree more!"

"Xelloss!"

"Xelloss-sama!"

"Hi!" Xelloss smiled. "Sorry for arriving so late, Reanna-san. I had some business to take care of… … but I'm here to do my job!"

"And what's that?" Utena asked.

"Sore wa mochiron! To protect Reanna-san!" Xelloss said, as if it were the most simple thing in the world.

"Why the hell is it your job to do that?! And for once, tell us the truth!" Akio said.

Xelloss scratched the back of his head. "Well, the truth is, a fellow Mazoku asked me to watch over Reanna-san for him!"

"Who?"

"Sore wa himitsu desu! Don't worry, Akio-san! I'll sometimes let you have your fun… … I am a Mazoku, after all…"

"Akio," Touga said.

"Nan desu ka?"

"We can still use the Akio Car to get back to our own dimension, can't we?"

"We can, and will as soon as Filia returns."

"Where is the Akio Car, anyway?" Miki asked. **click**

"Oh, I parked it out behind the house behind some bushes last night. No one should see it," Akio said. "Unless, of course, they were looking for it." He chuckled.

Everyone else chuckled uneasily.

"Eeto…" Xelloss said. "Are you talking about that strange hunk of red metal that's sitting out back?"

"Yeah… why?"

"Well, that thing isn't hidden at all… it's quite out in the open, and there aren't any bushes even near where it's sitting," Xelloss informed them.

"That's impossible!" Akio said. "How could that be?"

"Hmmmmm… maybe because I moved those bushes this morning?" Xelloss said.

"WTF would you do that?!" Saionji asked.

Xelloss smiled abashedly. "Well, truth be told, I thought the story would be more exciting this way!"

Akio rested his forehead in his palm. "Did I mention that I hate Mazoku almost as much as I hate Shikima?"

Everyone shook their heads.

"Well, I do…" Akio said and ran outside. "Xelloss, if that car's gone, I'll…" he called back.

I turned to Xelloss. "Xelloss-sama, if that car's gone, we can't get back to our own dimensions."

"Hmm… I might be able to help you there… which dimension would you be from?" Xelloss asked.

"I… … I… never knew dimensions had names…" I replied. "Even if I did, I don't think Akio-san would leave without that car…"

"IT'S GONE!" Akio's voice came from the outside. In a cloud of dust, Akio rushed back into the house and stopped short in front of Xelloss. "YOU!!! You'd better prepare for a very merciless ass-kicking, pal!"

Xelloss smiled sweetly. "I'm afraid I can't let you do that."

"Maybe we should get the car back first," Utena said.

"Right," Juri said. "Who knows who's taken it or where it's gone to…"

"I agree," Miki said. **click**

"It could be anywhere by now!" Akio moaned.

Touga and Saionji turned to each other.

"It's YOUR-- … … well, you know…" Touga waved his hand.

"No, it's YOUR-- … … you know…" Saionji said half-heartedly.

"I need some fresh panties!" I whined.

"Reanna-sempai, that's rather personal…" Anshi said.

"Oniisama, I wanna go home!" Nanami whined.

"I'm gonna kick your ass!"

"Don't think so!"

"We need to find the car!"

"I'm a prince and will stop this madness!"

**click**

"Your fault!"

"Yours!"

"BOKU NO KURUMA~~~!!"

"I'm wet!"

**SWEATDROP**

"Oniisama!!"

"HUAIAA BORU!!!!!!!!"

A great big fireball suddenly got tossed into our midst. When the smoke cleared, we saw Lina-tachi standing at the door. "EXCUSE ME! If you didn't hear me the first time, what's going on here?!"

"Lina-san!" I said, overjoyed (overlooking the fireball incident). "Lina, Akio's car was stolen, and now we can't get back to our own dimension!"

"Do you think you could help us?" Miki asked.

Lina invited herself in and sat down in a chair. "Hmm… it'll cost you fifty gold pieces."

"WHAT?!"

"Lina-san, how could you charge money for something like this?" Amelia asked. "They need that thing to get home!"

Lina held up an index finger. "That's exactly my point. If they need it so badly, then they may as well pay for it. What kind businesswoman would I be if I passed up this great opportunity?"

"Brilliant, Lina-san!" Xelloss said cheerfully.

"Lina-san, that's horrible!" Amelia said.

"Same old Lina…" Gourry smiled.

"Same old insane prices…" Zelgadis muttered.

"Now, really!" Lina insisted. "If they split it up, that's less than six gold pieces apiece! That's perfectly reasonable!"

"But we don't have any gold!" Utena said.

Lina looked slyly at us. "Then we must come up with an alternate form of payment, mustn't we?"

I gestured for everyone (sans Slayers) to gather in a huddle.

"Reanna, you have an idea?" Touga asked.

"No, I wanted to see if any of you had one," I replied.

"Stupid self-insert…" Saionji muttered.

"Shut up! Don't be mean!" I said.

"Yeah! Shut up! Don't be mean!" Touga said, and whacked Saionji a good one.

"Thanks, Touga!" I smiled.

"You're most welcome," Touga smiled sexily.

"But you're still an ass."

"Dammit."

"Ha, ha!"

"Let's hurry up and find the car, this episode's almost over!"

I sidled over to Amelia. "Ano… Amelia-san… how about you put a righteous and just sleeping spell on Lina so you guys can help us find Akio's car?"

"Ummmmm…" Amelia said hesitantly.

"For great justice!" I added, raising a clenched fist to the sky.

"Ummmmm… I don't think that's a good idea…" Amelia said.

"How about if I give you these?" I handed Amelia some Sailor Moon and Wedding Peach manga.

The shinies in Amelia's eyes multiplied several times. "Really?! Wow! I've been wanting to see these!" She opened a book. "Look at that pose! Listen to that speech! It's so… beautiful! Reanna-san, you have a deal!"

Xelloss nudged me. "Reanna-san, I admire your devilish sneakiness," he said.

"Now look…" I muttered.

Amelia turned to Lina. "SURIIPINGU!"

Nothing happened.

"Amelia… did you really think that would work on me, you silly justice freak?" She whacked Amelia upside the head, and then hit me on the head too.

"OWWWW!!!" I cried. "Lina-san, you're supposed to take it easy on self-inserts!"

"Izzat a rule?"

"It is!"

"Whatever… well, since you're a "high-and-mighty" self-insert and let me beat you up anyway, I've decided to help you find that hideous hunk of junk for free." Lina said.

"Really?" I asked.

"Lina-san, that was a really just and loving act of kindness!" Amelia said.

Lina shrugged with a smile. "Yeah well, I figure, if we're lucky, it was some bandits who stole it, so there'll probably be some treasure to steal too! Hurraaay!"

"Yay…"

"Whoopee…"

"Try and be a little more enthusiastic!"

"Wai, wai!"

"Huzzah!"

"That's better! Now let's go find that car thingy!"

**********

After Filia got back from her errands and was able to watch over Val, we set out.

"Now, all we have to do is figure out where all the local bandit hideouts are…" Lina said.

"What are we looking for again?" Gourry asked again.

"Gaaah!! Baka! Yogurt for brains! Jellyfish!" Lina yelled.

"DOKUKURAGE…" Tentacruel popped out of its Pokéball.

"Dokukurage? What happened to 'Tentacruel?'" I asked.

The Tentacruel/Dokukurage shrugged a few tentacles and picked me up with the others.

"Yeeeeeeek!! Lina-san, never say that word!!!"

Lina turned around. "What word?"

"JELLYFISH!!!"

"DOKUKURAGE…"

"Ow! Ow! Ow! NOT SO FRICKIN' HARD!! Let me go!!"

Lina sweatdropped. "Jellyfish? Naga really should see this…"

"Akio-san, HELP ME!"

"I am!" he said. "I'm catching your clothes so they don't get dirty!"

Xelloss sighed. "Should I help, or should I stand here and watch… while both would offer a certain amount of amusement…"

"Aaaaaaahhhhhh!!! Get your slimy tentacles off me! Hey! Someone help me!"

Out of nowhere, an astral portal appeared above Xelloss and a hand holding a mallet conked Xelloss over the head. "Shut up and help Ri-chan!" a voice said from inside.

**sigh** "Hai, hai…" Xelloss floated up to where Tentacruel was currently doing very naughty things to me with its tentacles. "Oh, Dokukurage-san…"

"DOKU…?"

"Sorry, but I can't let you molest Reanna-san!" He scratched the back of his head. "I can't upset you-know-who, or he'll be quite upset, which would be most inconvenient for me… You understand, don't you?"

"KURAGE…?"

Opening both eyes, Xelloss held up his staff. "Now, I highly recommend getting back into that Pokéball over deciding to challenge me."

Tentacruel nodded, dropped me, and retreated to its Pokéball. Xelloss barely caught me before I landed on the ground.

"That was awful!" I whined. I looked up at Xelloss. "But this is nice…"

"Poor Reanna-san! How horrible!" Amelia said. "Such treatment is unjust!"

"That's an understatement… …"

"I can't wait to send these people home… …" Zelgadis said quietly.

"They seem like nice people to me," Gourry said.

"Baka! Yogurt for brains! Je—"

"Lina-san!" I held up the Pokéball.

"Riiiigggghhhht…" Lina muttered. "Well, we have a car to find, so let's go!"

"Hold on!" Touga said. "We haven't even tried summoning it yet!"

"Sayyy, that's right!" Akio said, snapping his fingers. "Go for it, Touga-kun!"

"Right…" Touga said. "Stand back, everyone!"

"What's he doing?" Gourry asked.

"I dunno…" Lina replied.

Touga suddenly turned to Lina. "Listen… … can't you hear it?"

"Hear what?"

"If your soul has not truly given up…"

Vrrvrrvrrvrrvrrvrr…

"You should be able to hear this sound…"

Vrrscreeeechvrrvrrvrrscreeeeechvrrvrvrr…

"Running about the Ends of the World…"

Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeccchhhhhvvrrvvrrvvrrvrr…

"Then come, journey with us, to the world which you desire!" Touga spread his arms, his jacket unfurled like a pair of magnificent wings, and his hair blew in a nonexistent wind… and… no car appeared. However, we could still hear the screeching sound, as if the car was trying to come to us.

"Nothing's happening," Zelgadis said.

"Perhaps someone's chained it up…" Miki said. "So it can't come to us."

"Chained up? My little baby?" Akio said. "If they've even knicked it or scratched the paint, they'll feel a whole level of pain they've never felt before…"

"Akio-san, all we have to do is follow its sound, and we should find it!" I said.

"It's coming from that way!" Amelia said, pointing off into the forest. "Let's go! For great justice!" She ran off into the woods.

"Ikimashou, minna-san!" Utena said, following Amelia.

"Chotto mate!" I yelled, still pulling on my clothes. "You guys are all leaving without me!"

**FACEFAULT**

**********

"This is where the sound leads," Juri said as we walked into a cave we found in the middle of the forest.

"How did they get it this far?" Akio wondered aloud. "It's not as if I left the keys in the thing."

"It's not as if people from this world know how to drive cars," I added.

"It's cold in here," Amelia said. "And dark."

"RAITEINGU!" Lina said and conjured a ball of light in her hand. "I'm making the light spell really bright; I figure I can always cast another…"

The light spell lit up the cave about ten feet in all directions. Right now, the cave was just a passageway too narrow to even walk three abreast.

"It must be bandits if whoever did it is hiding in a cave," Miki noted as the passageway opened up into a large room.

"AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" a voice cackled. "That's where you're wrong!"

"MATRINA?!"

We looked up and saw Martina standing mightily on a tall stone column, with the Akio car chained to it. Sitting in the car was Zangulus.

"Aren't you jealous, Ri-chan?" Akio asked, pulling some chains out of hammerspace.

"Shut up!"

"Anyway!" Akio said. "I don't know who you are, but I demand that you give my car back! It is NOT wise to get on my bad side!"

"He's right," I said. "I wouldn't piss him off if I were you."

Everyone else agreed enthusiastically.

"You can't hurt me!" Martina said. "I have the blessing of the monstrous Zoamelgustar protecting me!"

"Are you kidding?"

Lina formed a spell in her hand. "Martina I don't want to hurt you, but… well, actually, scratch that…"

"Lina!" Akio said. "This is between me and… that girl over there. Let me handle this." 

"Ya sure?" Lina asked.

"Absolutely sure," Akio said. He turned. "Ri-chan… come here."

"H… huh?"

"Come… … here."

"Eh?"

"Here. Come here."

"A… all right…" I walked over to Akio, who quickly grabbed me and bent me backwards and pulled a sword from my chest.

"W…w… how'd you do that!!??" I screamed.

Akio brandished the sword. "This is the Blade of Blatance! It's the most obnoxious, pretentious sword in existence! When handled by the right person, it can take down any opponent! Do you think you can face it… and win?"

"Th… the Blade of Blatance?" I muttered, just before Akio dropped me on my butt.

"Every self-insert in an Utena story possesses one! Now, prepare to lose!" Akio thrust forward with the sword and cut the chains holding the Akio Car cleanly. 

"Sugoi, Akio-san!" I cheered.

"Now!" Akio said. "Come down here and face me!"

"Uhhh, Anata," Zangulus said to Martina. "Maybe we should just go home…"

Martina drew a sword from hammerspace. "No one's going home!" She jumped down to the ground… and landed on her face. She quickly got back up and held the sword up to Akio and thrust at him.

Akio parried perfectly. However, when he attacked back, he missed by about two feet. "What the--?" he said. "W-what's happened to my dueling skills?"

"Not so good as you thought you were, eh?" Martina asked, and swung her sword again. Akio held up his sword to block, but Martina's sword flew past and cut his cheek.

"I… Impossible! Has this been affected by the transformation as well?" Akio wondered aloud.

"What's he talking about?" Touga asked.

"I don't know…" Miki replied. **click**

"It looks like Akio-san is going to lose…" Amelia said.

I turned to Xelloss. "Xelloss-san, we have the Akio Car freed, but if something isn't done, Akio-san is going to lose! Can't you do something?"

Xelloss shook his head. "I was ordered by… you-know-who not to interfere unless you were in danger."

"But--…"

"HUAIAA BORU!" A powerful fireball flew toward Martina and Akio and exploded.

**********

"I can't believe I couldn't beat her…" Akio muttered.

"Any idea why you couldn't?" Juri asked.

Akio paused. "… … … … No."

Everyone looked at each other momentarily.

"Anyway, Lina-san, thanks for helping," I said.

"No problem," Lina said. "Now you guys can get the hell out of my world."

"Right…" I said, hopping into the Akio Car.

As soon as everyone was in, Akio started up the car, whereupon it disappeared from the cave.

**********

The car appeared again in a courtyard, surrounded by several buildings. Several people walked by in Ohtori uniforms.

Nanami grinned. "This looks like Ohtori to me!"

"Wait…" Touga said. "Something's not right here…"

"How so, moron?" Saionji asked.

"There are a few things that just don't look right."

"Like what?" I asked.

"Look." Touga pointed to Akio's tower, which seemed to have been ripped off its foundation and attached to a tall stone column.

"Ow."

"The HELL?" Akio yelled. "What's happened to my tower?!"

"A lot of these buildings look… different."

"Wait a minute…" I said. "I think we're in the Utena movie!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Juri asked.

"Look, there's 'Eiga Utena.'" I pointed to a set of stairs where two figures were walking down them. One was Wakaba, and the other was a short-haired Utena in a black and white outfit.

"Huh? 'Movie Utena?'" Utena wondered aloud.

"There are Eiga Miki and Eiga Juri, fencing over there," I pointed out, "and there's Eiga Touga, watching them."

"You appear to be right," Miki said. **click**

Suddenly, the Eiga versions of Utena, Miki, Juri and Touga disappeared.

"W-what happened?" Saionji wondered.

"I… I don't know…" I replied.

"I think I see!" Akio said. "Since all of us but Ri-chan have an equivalent in this world, we've canceled the originals out!"

"What!" I cried. "But that's terrible!"

"We'll have to fix this somehow. How we do it is the big question."

Suddenly I felt something hit my head. I looked to the ground and saw a piece of paper crumpled into a ball. I picked it up, opened it up, and read it aloud:

Dear myself,

It looks like you screwed up again.

Since I'm so nice, I'll tell you how to get out of this one.

Get each cast member to play the parts of their movie versions.

Gradually, the movie versions will appear and

begin to play out their parts again.

Your job is the most difficult. You have to keep all of this organized.

You must play out the entire plot until the end of the movie.

All of you must enter the "outside" world at the same time.

Once you do this, you will escape this world and

all will be returned to normal.

Good luck. Dios knows you'll need it.

Yours,

The Author

"What?" Saionji said. "Is that girl insane?"

"Well…" Miki said. "We'd better get started."

"Right," I said. "Let's do this!"

TO BE CONTINUED…

**No! This is not a joke!**

**Can we act out the ENTIRE plot of "Adolescence of Utena?"**

**In good taste?**** (Probably not!)**

**Has the author gone completely insane? (Probably!)**

**All these questions, and some questions you never wanted to**

**know**** the answers to will be answered in:**

**Ecchi**** Adventures, Episode 14:**

**"This Rose is Our Destiny!"**

"Of course you do… … women are naturally attracted to men with phallus-shaped towers and cool red convertibles. And I have both… and you know it…"


	16. Toki ni Ai wa

The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio

Episode 14: "This Rose is Our Destiny!"

By Reanna King

**Notes: I've been planning this for some time… and now it's finally here. I hope it goes well… First some news: Ever wonder what Akio would do with Reanna if he had her alone? Well… it's been up for some time, but I'd like to announce that the Ecchi Adventures fanfic/side story "Planetarium Night" is now on FFN… so please, if you like lemons, check it out and give the writer, my friend Furio, a nice review! Not only was it NOT WRITTEN BY ME! (So you can't accuse me for being shameless), but it is the dream that Akio was having in the previous episode. So, read it. You know you want to… **

**Note: You can tell which character is an Ecchi Adventures character and which is from the movie in this manner: For example, if the script (this parody will be done entirely as if it were a copy of a movie script, but it is a part of EA continuity) is speaking of Utena from EA, the script will simply read "UTENA:" and if it's the movie version, the script will read "EIGA UTENA:". Non-EA characters like Wakaba and Shiori will still be referred to as "EIGA WAKABA" and "EIGA SHIORI," (respectively, of course…) for clarity's sake. Non-movie characters… like… um… Reanna, Chi-Chi and Cha-Cha… will… er… make this thing significantly more confusing. :p And yes, Keroppon will appear in more than just the Nanami Cow scene.**

**If you don't understand it, just accept it. I don't think this will end up making sense to even me. I'm still a bit cloudy on the whole concept myself… The Evil Anshi torturing Reanna scene is from my RPG, Ohtori no Gekijou. I have no idea why I stuck it in other than I thought it might be amusing.**

****poit** is the sound of a character disappearing.**

(First, we hear and see a close-up of bells ringing. Next, we see Akio's tower. We can barely make AKIO and EIGA ANSHI standing inside at the top of the tower. The picture pans away until we see that the tower seems to have been ripped from its original foundation and is now somehow attached to a sort of massive stone column.)

AKIO: (echoing) WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE???

EIGA ANSHI: Oh, Oniisama… you've been acting so strange lately…

(We move past outcroppings at the tops of buildings until we get to one—the stairway to the rose garden. We follow it up… and up… and up… until we reach the top, where we see two figures…

FEMALE FIGURE: Exactly what's going on here?

EIGA DIOS: Settle down.

(A classroom. The front wall is huge, and is covered with chalkboards that are moving and overlapping each other constantly. We see UTENA sitting at a desk in the corner of the room. Most of the desks are empty. UTENA'S hair has been put up to make her look more like EIGA UTENA.)

EIGA WAKABA: Tenjou Utena-kun.

(UTENA turns to look)

EIGA WAKABA: How do you like your first day of school?

UTENA: (pauses to look at a script) Well… I'm sure I'll enjoy it here with a… (she raises an eyebrow) I'm supposed to say THAT?

REANNA: (pops in from the side) It's your part, Utena-kun! Say it!

UTENA: (sighs) I'm sure I'll enjoy it here with a cute girl like you around.

EIGA WAKABA: (giggles) 

UTENA: (checking out the script) Do you think we'll get along?

EIGA WAKABA: I'll show you around school.

UTENA: What's your name?

EIGA WAKABA: Shinohara Wakaba!

**********

(We see a hand counting down 3, 2, 1. A sign reading ON AIR lights up.)

EIGA E-KO: Hi, minna!

EIGA F-KO: If you can hear us, listen to our voices.

EIGA E-KO: We are the Ohtori Academy Broadcast Club duo, E-Ko…

EIGA F-KO: …and F-Ko!

REANNA: (voice) That's EIGA E-Ko and EIGA F-Ko! Don't confuse the readers!!

EIGA E-KO: Will someone gag the self-insert?

REANNA: (voice) Woohoo!

EIGA E-KO: Never mind… Anyway, it turned out to be a cool, beautiful day today. A stylish red convertible appeared out of nowhere in the south courtyard, but otherwise, it's been your average day!

EIGA F-KO: And if you brought your lunch, you can enjoy it outside.

EIGA E-KO: You shouldn't try that. You'll be inviting a capricious self-insert.

EIGA F-KO: Haven't we already done that?

(We now see EIGA WAKABA and UTENA walking around the school)

EIGA F-KO: (voice) So if you're going to draw Keroppon on your boyfriend's back, make sure there aren't any monkey-mice in the vicinity.

(UTENA looks around the school as she and EIGA WAKABA walk down some stairs)

(We can see JURI and EIGA MIKI fencing beyond the two of them as REANNA joins UTENA and EIGA WAKABA. We can see MIKI watching in the crowd. After a moment, JURI wins. EIGA MIKI takes off his mask.)

EIGA MIKI: You are good. But I haven't given up yet.

JURI: (takes off her mask) Uhh… ummm…

(REANNA holds up a cue card)

JURI: Right. You look better playing the piano.

REANNA: We'll need a miracle to pull this off.

(JURI pushes her way through the crowd and wraps her hands around REANNA'S neck)

JURI: THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS MIRACLES!!!

REANNA: Juri… it was… an… expression…

AKIO: Juri, better let go of the self-insert or the Mysterious Mazoku will get you.

REANNA: (as JURI releases her) Akio-san! You're supposed to be tracking Eiga Akio! If he disappears, it's your job to fill in for him!

AKIO: (puts his hands behind his head idly) I couldn't find him.

REANNA: Well of course you can't find him! You shouldn't be able to find him! But find him anyway!

AKIO: Listen to yourself.

REANNA: Juri-kun, better get back to your scene.

JURI: Oh. Right. (JURI runs back to the match)

EIGA WAKABA: (looking at Ecchi Adventures characters) I'm a bit confused here… but anyway, that's Juri and Miki. They call Juri "The Prince."

UTENA: I am the true prince! Like an eternal fire, I fight for love and justice! Come to me, my trusty white steed!

EIGA WAKABA: Huh?

UTENA: Nothing.

EIGA WAKABA: Either way… Miki, or just Mikky—

VOICE: Hmm? Oh. Never mind. (a hand comes out of the astral plane and whacks AKIO with a mallet)

AKIO: Ow! … the hell?!

VOICE: Heh heh heh…

EIGA WAKABA: --is only a first year junior high student, but he's cute and popular…

(As EIGA WAKABA speaks, we pan up from EIGA MIKI to a show through a window, where UTENA notices… … no one.)

REANNA: Hey! Where's Touga? He's supposed to be up there!

AKIO: I saw him a few minutes ago. He seemed unhappy about something.

REANNA: You saw him?

UTENA: There he is! (she points up in the window where his movie version was supposed to be standing. He's running to his place, panting.)

REANNA: (to TOUGA) It took you long enough!

TOUGA: (yelling) THIS REALLY BLOWS!

REANNA: I don't know… Utena, better get to the next scene in case Eiga Utena doesn't show up.

UTENA: Right!

REANNA: You too, Touga!

TOUGA: (silence. He has little blue depression lines over his head and a little rattley white ghost thing is spinning above his head) All right…

REANNA: Okay, everyone, let's go. Akio, go find yourself. I'm gonna go supervise the next scene.

EIGA WAKABA: … but his twin sister interferes, and he can't find a girlfriend because of that, they say. (EIGA WAKABA turns to UTENA, but everyone has left) Hey! Utena? Where'd you go?

**********

(We see a view looking up at Akio's tower. The sky becomes dark. Thunder roars just once before the camera turns to a bed of roses. It begins to rain. It's a small, circular bed of roses in the middle of the courtyard among several school buildings. We see EIGA UTENA running. She sees TOUGA on the other side of the garden. She continues running to catch up to him. Her hat falls off, but she ignores it and keeps running. Back in front of the garden, she appears to have lost him. She stops and takes a moment to catch her breath.)

TOUGA: (looks at the script) It's raining.

(REANNA and UTENA arrive)

REANNA: Looks like Eiga Touga disappeared for this scene.

UTENA: I'm not needed then?

REANNA: Nope, look. Eiga Utena's over there with Touga.

TOUGA: How many years has it been, since we last met like this. Remember our promise to go to the planetarium? (to himself) The hell? (correcting himself) Uh, I mean… we've yet to go.

SAIONJI: Stick to your lines, dumbass!

REANNA: Saionji!! You're in the next scene! Find Anshi and get your butt up to the Rose Garden in case one of you is needed!

SAIONJI: Dumb self-insert… 

EIGA UTENA: (to TOUGA) Don't get me wrong.

TOUGA: Eh?

EIGA UTENA: I'm not who I used to be. I didn't come here hoping to find you. But I'm surprised. That you'd be at this academy.

TOUGA: How come you're dressed like that?

UTENA: TO BE A JUSTICE-LOVING, DAMSEL-RESCUING PRINCESS, DAMMIT! HOW MANY TIMES DO I—

REANNA: Utena-kun!

EIGA UTENA: What was that?

TOUGA: Devils.

EIGA UTENA: (makes confused face)

(frogs chirp)

TOUGA: Just kidding.

REANNA: Touga-san, don't do gags from the show…

AKIO: And here I thought you liked gags…

REANNA: Urusai!

AKIO: Come on, Ri-chan, there's lots of time until I'm on… let's go have some fun…

REANNA: I think you KNOW what I'll answer to that.

AKIO: Does it matter? (AKIO picks up REANNA around the waist and dashes off, American cartoon character-style)

REANNA: Chotto matte!

AKIO: Woo hoo!

(meanwhile)

TOUGA: For my high-goal girl.

EIGA UTENA: (notices TOUGA'S ring) That ring… I see. You're engaged to someone.

TOUGA: This led me to this academy. The Rose Seal.

(Fade out, and fade in to the courtyard garden. It's stopped raining, and the sun is out, but drops of water remain on the flowers. EIGA UTENA stands in front of the garden. TOUGA has left. UTENA approaches the roses…)

**********

REANNA: Akio-san, you're so mean…

AKIO: Come now, I think I'm going easy on you…

REANNA: Akio-san?

AKIO: What?

REANNA: There's not going to be enough room for everyone in the Utena Car…

AKIO: (smiles) We'll have the Akio Car, you silly self-insert… and if that falls through… I have an idea.

REANNA: What's that?

AKIO: Oh… well, you'll probably see eventually…

REANNA: Tell me! I'm the self-insert!

AKIO: That's precisely why I'm not telling you.

UTENA: (enters) Hey! Eiga Utena appeared! Does that mean I'm off the hook for the next scene?

REANNA: Uhh… better stick around off to the side in case she disappears again.

UTENA: Hey… you're tied up again. What's with that?

REANNA: Are Saionji and Anshi ready?

UTENA: I haven't seen them lately.

REANNA: Dammit! Akio, let me go, I have to go find them!

**********

(Meanwhile…)

ANSHI: Are you not afraid?

(EIGA UTENA turns and notices ANSHI)

ANSHI: Are you not afraid, standing there?

EIGA UTENA: So many roses.

ANSHI: This is my rose garden.

EIGA UTENA: Yours?

REANNA: (in that little spot off to the side) Anshi! You're not supposed to be wearing glasses!

AKIO: No! Don't have her take them off!

REANNA: Why? She let her hair down, now she has to take off her glasses!

AKIO: I wouldn't… you see…

REANNA: Shut up! Anshi, take your glasses off!

(ANSHI shrugs and takes them off)

REANNA: See? I don't see what all the fuss was about.

AKIO: (holding his head in his hands) You don't understand… …

ANSHI: (Walks over to stand beside EIGA UTENA) I'm the headmaster's sister, so I get special treatment. (winks) If ya know what I mean! O HO HO HO HO HO HO!

AKIO: Aw, dammit…

REANNA: Something's not right here…

EIGA UTENA: You… are strange…

ANSHI: (sidles up to EIGA UTENA) So… what did you come to this academy to do?

EIGA UTENA: I came…

ANSHI: You came? Did you come to this academy specifically to do that?

EIGA UTENA: (blushes) Now look…

REANNA: Anshi! What are you doing?!

ANSHI: (turns and sees REANNA, and gains a devilish grin) Must… kill…

REANNA: Eh?

ANSHI: MUST KILL REANNA!

AKIO: Great… she's become Evil Anshi!

REANNA: Evil Anshi?!

AKIO: The Rose Bride dress and the glasses both act as a seal on her powers. If she's wearing neither of them, there's a chance they'll go out of control and turn her into Evil Anshi!

REANNA: And you're telling me this NOW?! (gets pounced on by ANSHI)

ANSHI: KILLLLLL!!!! (ANSHI picks up REANNA and runs off with her)

REANNA: SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!

AKIO: Shit… now what?

(a hand comes out of an astral portal and whacks AKIO with a mallet)

MYSTERIOUS MAZOKU: Go and save her!

AKIO: Right. (gets up, turning to SAIONJI and UTENA) Stay here and wait for Eiga Anshi so you can act out the scene. I'll try to be back soon!

SAIONJI: But…

AKIO: Just do it! (picks up ANSHI'S glasses and runs off)

SAIONJI: So now what?

UTENA: We can't do the scene by ourselves, can we?

SAIONJI: Wanna duel then?

UTENA: … … yeah sure.

EIGA UTENA: Uh… … what's going on? **poit**

**********

REANNA: HANASITE!

ANSHI: (now dressed in a skanky black-leather-and-chains outfit) Ah, sticky cheese: my favorite restraint method of all! Now you can't get away, so I can torture and KILL YOU!!

REANNA: (stuck to a table with sticky molten cheese) B...b...but you can't kill me! I'm a self-insert!

ANSHI: That's exactly why I must kill you! Don't you see? Self-inserts are horrible, wicked beings that must all be destroyed! And I'll start with YOU! But first, a little torture…

REANNA: W… what are you going to do?

ANSHI: TORTURE, ROUND ONE! (she grabs a bottle of hot sauce)

REANNA: No, no! I hate spicy food!

ANSHI: Too bad! O HO HO HO HO HO HO!!! (she crams a funnel into REANNA'S mouth and pours the sauce in)

REANNA: MMPHHGGNNNMMPHH!!!

ANSHI: O HO HO HO HO HO! How's that taste?

REANNA: You… you're so mean…

ANSHI: (holding REANNA'S chin) Such a silly girl. It's almost a pity that I have to kill you. Still, it will be a pleasure! … but how to do it? Strangle? Garrote? Guillotine? Electrocution? Impaling?

REANNA: Akio-san… … help…

ANSHI: (frowns a moment) Ri-chan? How do you feel about pleasure before pain?

REANNA: Y… you wouldn't…

ANSHI: (pouts) Damn. You sure?

REANNA: Well… if it'll buy me some time…

(XELLOSS appears)

XELLOSS: Sorry, Anshi-san, but as fun as this scene is, I can't let you harm Reanna-san!

REANNA: Xelloss-sama! Help me!

XELLOSS: Certainly, certainly! You-know-who would be very upset with me if I let you get hurt! So I absolutely can't let you be killed, now can I?

REANNA: Xelloss-sama, thanks!

ANSHI: No! I've been waiting for this moment for so long!

XELLOSS: (opens one eye) Don't interfere, Anshi-san.

(AKIO stumbles onto the scene holding ANSHI'S glasses)

AKIO: Hey! Am I too late? What's going on? I got Anshi's glasses!

XELLOSS: All is under control!

AKIO: (hatefully) Xelloss! (making a fist) Damn you, Xelloss… either way… (pulls himself together and holds out the glasses to ANSHI) Now, now, Anshi… time to stop all this…

ANSHI: N… no… I can't…

AKIO: You must.

ANSHI: Why?

AKIO: Because you're holding up the story.

**********

SAIONJI: I win.

UTENA: I won! I'm the prince!

SAIONJI: Blow me!

UTENA: Eat me!

SAIONJI: Stuck up brat!

UTENA: Obsessive creep!

SAIONJI: You don't deserve to wear that ring, you little bitch!

UTENA: What did you call me? (she raises her arm in anger, but it's caught by a hand)

EIGA ANSHI: Give me… give me that ring!

UTENA: No! It's mine!

EIGA ANSHI: I want one of those!

UTENA: No!

EIGA ANSHI: But I want one!

UTENA: It's mine! It's the mark of the rose!

SAIONJI: Does something about this not seem right to you?

EIGA ANSHI: How do you know that name?

EIGA SAIONJI: What are you doing?

SAIONJI: Shit! (dives off to the side to hide)

(UTENA looks behind her and sees SAIONJI, holding a sword. EIGA ANSHI runs over to EIGA SAIONJI, holding her hands behind her back. She turns to look back at UTENA with a cute pouty look)

EIGA SAIONJI: Only authorized persons are allowed here. (EIGA SAIONJI notices UTENA'S ring, which she still has not put on) Sou ka. You are also a duelist.

**********

REANNA: (running up the stairs to the arena) Hurry up! The whole story could be falling to pieces, and if it does, it's my fault!

AKIO: Calm down.

REANNA: We have to get up there before the gate closes!

AKIO: You're making a big deal out of nothing…

REANNA: Well, what if Eiga Anshi disappears and she's needed? (REANNA gestures to ANSHI)

AKIO: No big deal…

REANNA: Now look…

(They reach the arena)

AKIO: See, everything's fine…

REANNA: All right, all right…

EIGA SAIONJI: Oh my. (runs his hand through ANSHI'S hair/strokes her cheek) You possess the mark of the rose and yet do not know THAT? (just after running a finger over ANSHI'S lower lip, SAIONJI pulls her close and kisses the top of her head) Perhaps you weren't meant to be my match in duel after all.

SAIONJI: What's that son-of-a-bitch doing to MY should-be bride?!

REANNA: Saionji, that's EIGA Anshi over there. Anshi is over here.

SAIONJI: I don't care! All of the Anshis in the infinite dimensional continuum belong to me!

REANNA: Isn't that overdoing it a bit?

SAIONJI: I'm better than all of the other Saionjis, and I—

(suddenly, a loud SLAM interrupts SAIONJI; the gate to the arena has slammed shut)

REANNA: Uh oh… maybe we shouldn't be here… we could get hurt.

XELLOSS: (appears) Don't worry, Reanna-san! I'll make sure you don't get hurt!

REANNA: What about everyone else?

XELLOSS: Well, they're not my responsibility.

EIGA SAIONJI: How vexing. One isn't permitted to duel without a sword.

UTENA: (mutters) Well, duh… (walks over to EIGA ANSHI) I have a sword.

AKIO: Wait, she's not going to try to—

(UTENA bends EIGA ANSHI over)

EIGA SAIONJI: Hey! What the hell are you doing?

REANNA: Utena! Stop!

UTENA: Huh?

REANNA: The broom! You have to use the broom!

UTENA: Huh? Oh… (picks up the broom from the ground, letting EIGA ANSHI fall to the floor)

REANNA: Is there no such thing as a smart Utena?

ANSHI: (turns to REANNA) Huh?

REANNA: Nothing, never mind...

(suddenly, EIGA ANSHI comes flying at REANNA, ANSHI, AKIO, XELLOSS and SAIONJI. AKIO catches her)

AKIO: I think we're a little too in the way of this fight.

REANNA: Maybe just a little…

EIGA SAIONJI: … … in other words, since I'm the current winner of the duels… (he rushes at UTENA) She's my POSSESSION!

UTENA: Possession, you say?!

(Sword and broom meet—the sword cuts halfway through the broom on the first blow)

SAIONJI: Maybe we had better move… around to the back of Eiga Saionji so I can attack him by surprise!

REANNA: I don't think we should interfere with this scene…

AKIO: (points to the lower section of the arena) Down there! We should be relatively safe down there.

EIGA SAIONJI: Her feelings? What are you talking about? (he cuts through UTENA'S broom, sending her flying backwards)

REANNA: Look out!

(everyone dives out of the way just in time)

ANSHI: (as they climb down to the lower section of the arena) Perhaps we should have caught her before getting out of the way…

(EIGA SAIONJI rushes forward again. He slashes at UTENA, but misses as she runs out of the way. He continues slashing at UTENA'S broom, cutting away pieces of it)

EIGA SAIONJI: You understand nothing! She is the Rose Bride!

UTENA: You're the one who doesn't understand!

SAIONJI: NANI?!!

UTENA: Is there a girl who's happy to be traded through duels?

REANNA: (muttering) Utena, I think you're missing one key point here?

AKIO: What's that?

REANNA: The fact that he doesn't really care…

AKIO: True.

(meanwhile ANSHI has amused herself by making herself a crown and necklace out of the roses)

SAIONJI: Anshi… what are you doing?

ANSHI: Aren't they pretty?

EIGA SAIONJI: You are… … a girl!

UTENA: (scoffs) That is so sexist! (pause) I mean… uh… I NEVER SAID I WAS A GUY!

REANNA: Cripes, is he blind or something?

XELLOSS: This is anime, after all…

REANNA: That's no excuse…

EIGA SAIONJI: Let's call it quits. You really don't understand anything. (EIGA SAIONJI whacks away UTENA'S broom handle again and raises his sword) It's now over!

(EIGA ANSHI jumps in front of EIGA SAIONJI, and pushes UTENA down into the lower part of the square)

AKIO: Cripes, are they TRYING to run into us?

REANNA: (slyly) Pick up that "cripes" catch phrase from me, Akio-san?

EIGA SAIONJI: Anshi!

(as EIGA ANSHI and UTENA fall, EIGA ANSHI says: )

EIGA ANSHI: One isn't permitted to duel without a sword! (she leans forward and kisses UTENA)

UTENA: Hey…

AKIO: (grumpily) Why can't OUR Anshi be like that?

REANNA: A lesbian?

AKIO: (sweatdrop) I think you know what I mean…

(Suddenly, red rose petals fly through the air… … UTENA has won the battle. The duel bells ring to signal the end of the duel. UTENA glares back at EIGA SAIONJI. EIGA ANSHI smiles at UTENA)

REANNA: Whew… that's another scene out of the way…

(Suddenly a small boy's shoe flies through the air and hits REANNA on the head)

REANNA: Ow!

TO BE CONTINUED…

**Confused yet?**

**Can our pathetic self-insert keep it together?**

**Will the following scenes go off without a hitch?**

**Will Reanna suffer injury from being hit by young Touga's shoe?**

**All these questions, and some questions you never wanted to**

**know**** the answers to will be answered in:**

**The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio, Episode Fifteen:**

**"Fiancee ni Naritai!"******

"Ah, sticky cheese: my favorite restraint method of all!"


	17. Fiancee ni Naritai!

The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio  
Episode 15  
"Fiancee ni Naritai!"  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry it's been so long, but my computer's been broken for quite some time. Everything's fine now, though. I hope everyone's enjoying the Adolescence Mokushiroku parody as much as I'm enjoying writing it. Oh, and thanks to everyone who read and reviewed "Planetarium Night," which I swear I didn't write. ;) Okay, everyone ready? I haven't posted a warning in some time but I decided to do another one: This story is and has always been a lime (or lime-ish). Before you read, keep the title in mind. Thanks, everyone, for your reviews and support! Uh... about the goop thing... it was all I could think of. The reference to the live-action version of La Blue Girl is very, very obscure, so sorry... Oh, right. Keroppon is the crocodile-like critter that Shiori draws on Touga's back. That's his name, sorry for any confusion as to what the hell a Keroppon was. :p I'll get episode 16 up as soon as possible!  
  
  
  
(EIGA UTENA'S dorm room. EIGA UTENA is inside, and appears to be unpacking her things. She goes to the closet and notices the picture of her and EIGA TOUGA. There's a knock at the door. EIGA UTENA does to the door)  
EIGA UTENA: Who is it?  
ANSHI: (behind the door) Uhh... it's Himemiya Anshi.  
REANNA: (behind the door) Anshi, go on in!  
ANSHI: (behind the door) But isn't that rude?  
AKIO: (behind the door) Get in there and feel her up!  
REANNA: (behind the door) Akio-san!  
(EIGA UTENA opens the door. AKIO shoves ANSHI in)  
ANSHI: Good evening. (She sits on EIGA UTENA'S bed and looks around the spotless room) How about I do some cleaning?  
VOICE: (from behind the door) AHHEMM!!  
EIGA UTENA: (walks over to the bed) I was about to go to sleep... and I don't invite people to my room.  
ANSHI: (nervously) Ah, well! Then I guess I'll be going! (stands up)  
(EIGA UTENA pulls ANSHI down onto the bed and turns out the light)  
  
  
REANNA: (with her ear pressed up to the door) The light just went out... everything's going according to plan so far.  
AKIO: Isn't this exciting?  
REANNA: Shut up! I'm trying to hear!  
  
  
(meanwhile...)  
EIGA UTENA: That Saionji guy, he said he duels everyone because he wants you... What does everyone get when they win you?  
ANSHI: Uhh... umm... (smiles sweetly)  
EIGA UTENA: (smiles and puts her hand on ANSHI'S) You're so funny, Himemiya.  
ANSHI: Uhh...  
EIGA UTENA: (runs her hand through ANSHI'S hair) We'll get along... Won't we? (she kisses ANSHI'S hand)  
  
  
REANNA: Something's not right here...  
AKIO: Everything seems fine to me!  
REANNA: This is all wrong!  
EIGA ANSHI: Umm... hello?   
(REANNA turns to see EIGA ANSHI standing just behind them)  
EIGA ANSHI: Umm... can I get in there, please?  
REANNA: (laughs nervously) Uh, yeah... just a second! (she elbows AKIO) Akio-san! You know what to do...  
AKIO: Umm... uhhh... tie you up?  
REANNA: Chigau...  
AKIO: Get out Chi Chi and Cha Cha?  
REANNA: Chigau...  
AKIO: (thinks a moment) Both?  
REANNA: Akio-san! (she whacks him)  
AKIO: (shakes his head) Sorry about that. I must be getting worse... (AKIO opens the door and goes inside EIGA UTENA'S room)  
EIGA ANSHI: (to REANNA) What's going on in there? Is Utena busy?  
REANNA: Uh... yeah, at the moment, she is.  
EIGA ANSHI: (looks disappointed) Aww... (pouts) Well... are you busy?  
REANNA: Huh?  
  
  
AKIO: Okay, Anshi, time to go!  
ANSHI: Oniisama!  
EIGA UTENA: Wait! We're not finished yet! Hey... who the hell're you?  
AKIO: Uhh...  
EIGA UTENA: (stands up and holds ANSHI close) This is my bride, buster! You want her, you gotta fight for her!  
AKIO: (holds his forehead in his palm) Oh boy... listen, can I just borrow her for a second?  
EIGA UTENA: No!  
AKIO: (sighs) I didn't want to do this, but... (he sticks his hand into the hammerspace within his pants and takes it out with a fistful of something. He tosses what turns out to be a glob of clear JelloO-likegoop at Utena's face)  
EIGA UTENA: Hey! Gross! What the hell--?! Uhhhh... (she falls down on the floor)  
AKIO: I knew that would come in handy! Okay, Anshi, let's get out of here.  
ANSHI: Where'd you get that?  
AKIO: From some Shikima... (grumbles) I hate Shikima...  
  
  
REANNA: Hey... hold on... knock it off!  
EIGA ANSHI: (on top of REANNA) Come on... you're not much fun...  
REANNA: STOPPIT!!!!  
(AKIO and ANSHI walk out into the hallway)  
AKIO: Ri-chan! If you were planning to do this, you could have told me so I could watch!  
REANNA: Get her off...  
EIGA ANSHI: Come on, I'm doing all the work here...  
REANNA: WE'RE IN A HALLWAY!!!!  
AKIO: If you wanted to see Utena, she's in there.  
EIGA ANSHI: (gets up) Thank you. (looks at REANNA) Honestly, I've never been with someone so selfish! All you did was lay there! (she goes in)  
REANNA: (sits up) How far are we through the movie?  
AKIO: Not too far.  
REANNA: (exhaustedly) I wanna go home...  
AKIO: Listen, now that this scene's more or less under control, we should get going to make sure the next one goes according to the script. (holds out his hand)  
REANNA: (gets up) You're right...   
EIGA UTENA: (inside the room) You're weird!  
  
  
TOUGA: She's... she's... uhh...  
EIGA SHIORI: Weird! Don't you think she's WEIRD?!  
TOUGA: Uhh... yes.  
(EIGA SHIORI sits at a desk in a room where everything has a sheet over it. We can't yet see TOUGA.)  
SAIONJI: (under the bed) **snicker** What a dork!  
REANNA: (beside him) Shut up!  
SAIONJI: What did you say to me?!  
TOUGA: (sitting on a chair under a sheet, reading a script) Yes, the girl wears the prince's clothes now. But she's probably still dreaming of the castle with the prince.  
EIGA SHIORI: Which reminds me, I used to have a prince myself.  
(The sheet over TOUGA is yanked off, revealing him following along to the script. He looks around and quickly tosses the script away)  
TOUGA: Uhhh... umm... really?  
SHIORI: But the prince was killed. A childhood friend of mine did it.  
REANNA: (to SAIONJI) So far so good, I guess...  
SAIONJI: Miraculously.  
JURI: (suddenly beside them) THERE'S NO SUCH THING-  
REANNA: Right, of course, Juri... no such thing as miracles...  
(We now see EIGA SHIORI on the bed, cleaning TOUGA'S ear. TOUGA, in his position, is able to read a document sitting on the floor, entitled "SYMBOLISM IN SHOUJO KAKUMEI UTENA," looking really confused)  
EIGA SHIORI: The prince liked her, so when she fell off a boat, he drowned saving her. ... So stupid. My prince and I were supposed to have gone steady. But the prince went missing... (she blows in TOUGA'S ear)  
TOUGA: (startled) Ah! Wh... huh?  
EIGA SHIORI: (doesn't seem to notice) So I will never forgive her.  
(We see that a sheet has been taken off a painting hanging on the wall. The painting is of EIGA ANSHI in her Rose Bride dress.)  
EIGA SHIORI: I'll make her be the prince for the rest of her life.  
TOUGA: Wait a minute... (sits up abruptly) I'M DEAD?!  
EIGA SHIORI: Right... and the you that I'm talking to is like a ghost, and this room represents the afterlife.  
TOUGA: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!  
(a random young boy's shoe flies through the air and hits REANNA on the head)  
REANNA: Ouch!!  
  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
  
That hurt...  
Will Touga get a hold of himself?  
Will Reanna let him get away with his naughty language?  
And what could Keroppon possibly have to do with all of this?  
All these questions, and some questions you never wanted to  
know the answers to will be answered in:  
The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio, Episode Sixteen:  
"Rose is Rain!"  
  
  
"Huh?"


	18. Rose is Rain!

The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio

Episode 16: Rose is Rain!

By Reanna King

NOTES: Yes, I know it's been a long time. College has me awfully busy, but I decided I had better get to Ecchi Adventures so I can finish up the movie parody, hopefully by the end of the year. I'm looking into doing a Gokudo-kun Mannyu-ki crossover sometime after this. **sigh** I fell in love with Prince Niari. … yeah. See Gokudo. It's really funny. I have another crossover idea, but I'm still deciding if I… should… or not… uhh… it'd be relating to comments Akio has made in the past about his hatred for a particular race of demons. I also had a great idea for if this series ever reaches its finale. I guess it would actually get fairly serious for a bit, if I use this idea. Ever since a reviewer read deeply into Episode Four, the idea of doing something kind of serious has been wandering around in my head. By the way, the scene that was once Akio explaining how Dios turned into Akio has been replaced by the explanation of a different, but similar, transformation. It's a clue, including some foreshadowing into my possible finale idea.

(A rush of bubbles fades us in to the next scene—the school swimming pool, where some students are cleaning it)

REANNA: (in a purple swimsuit, on a beach chair by the pool) Ne, Akio-san… all the original cast members are here for this scene, ne… (She sits up and looks around) Akio-san? Akio-san? Where did you go? (she gets up)

EIGA WAKABA: Yaaaahhhh!! (She whacks REANNA with the broom)

REANNA: (lying face down on the ground) Owwwww… what was that for?

EIGA WAKABA: Oops.

REANNA: (muffled because she's still on the ground) Say, Wakaba… have you seen a tall dark-skinned guy around here anywhere?

EIGA WAKABA: (thinks a moment) Ummmm… I saw a guy like that heading for the bathrooms.

REANNA: (stumbles to her feet) Right… okay… (she trudges off)

(Nearby, EIGA UTENA is taking a drink from a water fountain. EIGA TOUGA walks by, and of course, she notices. EIGA TOUGA walks over to her.)

EIGA TOUGA: I see that you've been chosen as a duelist.

EIGA UTENA: You said this ring led you to this academy. Then are you also trying to win her? (she looks over at ANSHI, who is helping to clean the pool)

REANNA: (comes trudging up) Excuse me… toire wa doko?

(EIGA TOUGA and EIGA UTENA point off to the right)

REANNA: Thanks… (she walks off where they've pointed)

EIGA UTENA: (to EIGA TOUGA) Well? Are you trying to win Anshi as well?

EIGA TOUGA: You can say that…

EIGA UTENA: Why?

EIGA TOUGA: Why? Of course… because she's attractive.

(MEANWHILE, REANNA walks into the men's bathroom. AKIO stands staring at his reflection in one of the mirrors)

AKIO: Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough… and… and doggone it, people—

REANNA: Akio-san!

AKIO: (startled) Ack! You—you're not supposed to be in here!

REANNA: What are you up to?

AKIO: Eeto… rehearsing?

REANNA: (looks dubious) Really. Listen, I need to know if you've seen Anshi. I have Touga and Utena by the pool in case they're needed, but I can't find Anshi anywhere.

AKIO: (awkwardly) Uhh… I dunno…

REANNA: Do you really not know, Akio-san? What are you hiding?

AKIO: (waves his hands) No, no, it's not like that! It's just… 

REANNA: It's what? What is Anshi doing?

AKIO: It's just… it's just that it's… it's ALL TOO WRONG!

REANNA: Huh?

AKIO: Check out the girls' bathroom. But don't blame me for what you see!

REANNA: Now you've got me curious… (she leaves)

(MEANWHILE, EIGA TOUGA and EIGA UTENA are still talking)

EIGA UTENA: Do you know what kind of girl she is?

EIGA TOUGA: What kind of girl is she?

EIGA UTENA: She's weird.

EIGA TOUGA: … … really.

(REANNA steps into the girls' bathroom, and immediately hears two familiar voices)

VOICE: Call me queen! (whack!)

OTHER VOICE: Chu!

VOICE: Not "chu!" QUEEN! (whack!)

OTHER VOICE: CHUUUUU!!

REANNA: Anshi! What in the name of all things good and decent are you doing?!

(ANSHI looks up. She's missing her glasses again, and is standing over a sink, where CHU CHU is suspended by its hands from the faucet. ANSHI is holding a tiny whip)

ANSHI: Bad monkeys must be punished… don't you agree?

REANNA: I… I… uh…

ANSHI: (looks at REANNA) Ahhh… so it's you… the… SELF INSERT…

REANNA: That's right, I'm the self insert, and I'm not letting you humiliate me again!

ANSHI: (holds up an unmistakable object and jumps at REANNA) O HO HO HO HO HO HO!!!!! I'VE GOT YOUR "SELF INSERT" RIGHT HERE, BITCH!

REANNA: Ack!

(MEANWHILE…)

EIGA UTENA: Because… anyone who wins the duel… she'll…

EIGA TOUGA: What? (EIGA UTENA seems to have trouble spitting it out) She's the Rose Bride. Of course, she'll spend the night with whom she's engaged.

EIGA UTENA: Have you ever won a duel yourself?

EIGA TOUGA: (chuckles) 

EIGA UTENA: And did that "engage" thing with Himemiya?

EIGA TOUGA: That shouldn't be any of your business, should it? (EIGA UTENA realizes he sort of has a point there…) … Himemiya Anshi…

(Suddenly, blood-curdling screams go up from in the direction of the bathrooms)

EIGA UTENA: W… what's that noise?

EIGA TOUGA: I'm not sure… sounds like someone's in trouble.

VOICE: IYAAAA!! HANASHITE YO! YAMETE, YAMETE!

OTHER VOICE: O HO HO HO HO HO! TAKE IT, BITCH!!

VOICE: Nonononononononononono!!!

EIGA UTENA: Come on!

(They both run off in the direction of the screams)

(EIGA UTENA and EIGA TOUGA rush into the bathroom and are met with the sight of REANNA, tied up with shreds of her own clothing)

REANNA: Anshi… how… could you…

ANSHI: O ho ho ho ho ho… does anyone else wish to defy the judgment of Evil Anshi?

VOICE: Ready! Set!

(EIGHT GIRLS, including EIGA ANSHI, carrying brooms, run into the bathroom)

(A whistle blows)

GIRLS: Hai! Haaaaaiii! (the girls start scrubbing REANNA down with their brooms)

REANNA: OW! What the hell?!

GIRLS: Hai! Haaaaiiii!

REANNA: Ow, that HURTS! CUT IT OUT!

GIRLS: Hai! Haaaaiiii!

REANNA: Why are you even doing this??!!

(Finally, the girls stop. EIGA ANSHI walks over to EIGA UTENA and EIGA TOUGA)

EIGA ANSHI: What shall we do tonight?

REANNA: How about untie me?

EIGA UTENA: I told you yesterday! I have no interest in the Rose Bride?

REANNA: How about taking an interest in untying me?

EIGA ANSHI: Really?

EIGA TOUGA: This prince who has won you is so indifferent.

REANNA: Especially on the issue of getting me untied…

EIGA ANSHI: Sou desu ne.

(suddenly, AKIO bursts into the room)

AKIO: I heard screams! What's happening? Can I watch? (he spots REANNA) Oooh, don't you look cute! (he kneels down next to a still bound REANNA)

REANNA: (struggling) Akio-san! Untie me right now! … urk! Hey, wha—

AKIO: (holds up an unmistakable object) Hmm? (he shrugs and tosses it over his shoulder, where EVIL ANSHI catches it. AKIO turns around to face her)

EVIL ANSHI: What? I was bored of torturing Chu Chu!

AKIO: You're in big trouble this time!

EVIL ANSHI: S… sorry. I'm sorry! 

AKIO: (untying REANNA) You decided to capture and torment Ri-chan… and you didn't tell me?! I would have loved to watch, you know!

EVIL ANSHI: I know… **sniff** But… but I forgot!

EIGA TOUGA: Excuse me… but … uh… what the hell's going on here?

AKIO: (points to REANNA) She's a self insert.

EIGA UTENA: Ah. That explains a lot.

(EIGA TOUGA, EIGA UTENA and EIGA ANSHI leave)

AKIO: Ri-chan… We have to get ready for the next scene.

REANNA: That's right! You're in the next scene! Akio-san, get ready while I… uh… find some clothes.

AKIO: Ri-chan?

REANNA: What?

AKIO: Ummm… … nothing.

REANNA: Akio-san… could you glue Anshi's glasses to her head? Please?

AKIO: (voice, over the phone) Hmm, why did the stranger imprison the Morning Star?

(We're back in the afterlife-bedroom-thingy… we see EIGA SHIORI painting her fingernails on the bed, with EIGA TOUGA sitting nearby)

AKIO: Anyway, then the stranger appeared. That was something to deal with. (we see that EIGA TOUGA is listening to AKIO'S voice on the phone)

AKIO: The stranger may not have been a powerful one, but she did have powers, the strongest of which she couldn't control. But there was another secret.

EIGA TOUGA: What was that?

AKIO: While the Morning Star was truly the Rose Prince's true form, there was another form. In appearing in this world, the stranger used her powers to change the Morning Star into the Evening Star. 

REANNA: (hiding under the bed) This sounds familiar… what's an Evening Star?

TOUGA: (sweatdrops)

AKIO: Even so, the Evening Star has not yet fully manifested in the Morning Star. There is a fine line, a delicate balance between the two. If that balance is broken, Morning will be come Evening and evil will prevail.

REANNA: This isn't following the script! He's supposed to be talking about Dios and Anshi, not about an Evening Star and some stranger!

EIGA TOUGA: And what would break that balance?

AKIO: Time. IT must be destroyed during the short time that Morning and Evening are united. If it is, Morning will prevail. If they are separated at that time, Evening will prevail, and evil will run rampant.

REANNA: I'll have to ask Akio-san what he was talking about later…

(We see that the phone is lying on an end table, and TOUGA is now painting EIGA SHIORI'S toenails)

EIGA TOUGA: So that's why you're in such a hurry for the destruction to take place… the revolution that will restore your power. (EIGA SHIORI seems to be enjoying the nail-painting session a bit much)

(The phone goes dead)

EIGA TOUGA: But in the end… I'll be the one with power. (a sheet falls off a painting, behind EIGA SHIORI)

EIGA SHIORI: What are you trying to gain?

(A new setting: a bathroom. We see a bathtub)

MIKI: What do you mean, what? (thoughts) Why do I have to do this…?

KOZUE: Don't try to hide it. I know you've done things I don't know about. (we see a rubber ducky floating in the tub) Don't move.

MIKI: You mean, like fighting island natives, getting abducted by aliens and stuff?

(KOZUE pulls MIKI around, yanking the curtain from its rings and sending lots of water spilling out of the tub. We see her holding the knife to MIKI'S throat and her other hand covering his mouth)

KOZUE: You traitor.

(Nighttime. We cut away and see the gate to EIGA UTENA'S dorm open and close, and EIGA ANSHI walking out into the darkness. EIGA UTENA watches her)

EIGA UTENA: Where is she going at this hour? (we watch EIGA ANSHI walk away) So she's the Rose Bride.

(cut away again, to EIGA SHIORI and TOUGA (as opposed to Eiga Touga) lying in the bed. EIGA SHIORI is under the covers, but EIGA TOUGA is above them, with his jacket removed. REANNA is still under the bed)

TOUGA: When I was a boy, I grew out my hair, as told by my father. That's what the customer wanted.

EIGA SHIORI: Customer?

TOUGA: My current father. I was sold.

(We see a large, stately house, and hear a doorbell ringing. Then we see a set of stairs and hear footsteps. We see a man walking with a young boy (Touga) down a hallway with a red carpet. A set of double doors open to show a man standing in front of a desk, smoking a pipe. He smiles at the two people who have just entered. We see young Touga, with shoulder-length hair, looking expressionlessly forward) 

TOUGA: I lost a lot of things, but thanks to it… I could partake in this academy's duel game thing.

(Back to EIGA SHIORI and TOUGA'S room. The sheet on the bed, which lies partly on the floor, is being drawn up onto the bed. In fact many sheets in the room are being drawn onto the bed and twisting into a cocoon shape. The sheet used to be covering the sides of the bed to keep REANNA hidden, but when the sheet comes up, her body is partly revealed. She scooches back under the bed)

EIGA SHIORI: I know you'll win. You won't lose to Juri.

TOUGA: To Juri?

EIGA SHIORI: Because… … she's gross.

(We see young TOUGA running from his new home, down a sidewalk)

EIGA SHIORI: She doesn't think anyone knows, but I saw it. 

(TOUGA'S running through the woods)

TOUGA: Saw what?

(TOUGA'S NEW FATHER running after him. Both enter a cabbage patch.)

EIGA SHIORI: She always wears this pendant, doesn't she?

(TOUGA falls)

EIGA SHIORI: She has my photo in the locket and stares at it when she's by herself.

(TOUGA'S NEW FATHER leans down over TOUGA. Shot of TOUGA struggling in the background, with cabbages in the foreground)

EIGA SHIORI: It makes me want to throw up. This became a rumor, and I'm so haunted by it.

(A tiny bud on the side of a cabbage. The cabbage turns into the swirling sheets in EIGA SHIORI and TOUGA'S room, but the bud remains. The sheets begin to swirl around it)

TOUGA: I wonder who was spreading that rumor.

(The sheets burst and wave past us, and we finally see a naked SHIORI from behind. Her shoulder blades bulge, and then break open as white sheet-wings burst forth from them. They become moth's wings, and the picture fades to show the tiny cabbage-fairy Shiori clinging to a cabbage in the garden. Now we see moths, hundreds of them, all clinging to the sides of the cabbages. They all fly away as we see, far in the background, Touga and his father, still in the same position)

TOUGA: (out of the flashback, gets up off the bed) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGHHHH!! (he runs over to the wall and repeatedly bashes his head against it)

EIGA SHIORI: What… are you doing? I need you to win the duel and punish Juri!

ADULT TOUGA: I don't know. I plan to win the duel, but I can't be cruel to Juri.

(close-up of young TOUGA with his shirt torn)

REANNA: Ah-choo!

EIGA SHIORI: What's that noise?

TOUGA: (still standing by the wall) Heh heh… that was me!

EIGA SHIORI: No, it came from under the bed… (she looks under the bed) What the! Who are you? What are you doing here?

REANNA: Sleeping.

EIGA SHIORI: Oh… ok. Why are you sleeping UNDER the bed?

REANNA: … … bad sense of direction?

TOUGA: My head hurts... (He turns onto his stomach, to let EIGA SHIORI finish what she's been drawing on him—Keroppon.)

**I'm tired…**

**What is the Evening Star?**

**How long can the insanity go on?**

**And how long will my readers put up with it?**

**All these questions, and some questions you never wanted to**

**know**** the answers to will be answered in:**

**The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio, Episode Seventeen:**

**"Akio no Sanagi!"**

"O HO HO HO HO HO HO!!!!! I'VE GOT YOUR "SELF INSERT" RIGHT HERE, BITCH!"


	19. Akio no Sanagi

The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio

Episode 17: Akio no Sanagi

NOTES: ATTENTION! In this episode, Ecchi Adventures has its first serious moment! This serious moment will be followed periodically by more serious moments! **listens to her Kanna Nobutoshi CD** Ahhhh… it's all good. In this episode, things get fairly serious sometimes… but the things that Reanna learns in these episodes might not be mentioned again until the finale. For some reason, they'll be completely forgotten until the finale, which is a long way off, and the finale episodes won't be assigned specific numbers, because they take place whenever I decide to stop writing this thing, and I have no idea how long that will be.

Okay, there's no way I'll finish the "movie" story arc by the end of the year. Ah well. Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about my "finale" idea. I think it's a good idea, and right now I'm debating what point of view it should be from. I think it would be a bad idea to use first person, like I usually do. I'm beginning to rely heavily on script form. Some scenes are really awkward to write from Reanna's point of view. Oh, that's right! I just remembered that I have that Ranma ½ crossover that I want to do… heh heh. That should be fun. Ummm, how would you guys feel about a "time travel" story arc, where the characters travel back to previous episodes? Cripes, with all the ideas I've got, I have enough to keep the story going at least past episode 30. *_* Better get writing!

(It's still night time. We see EIGA MIKI and JURI walking in the garage)

JURI: This darkness leads to the Ends of the World.

EIGA MIKI: That's scary. I feel drawn in.

(REANNA, AKIO, and MIKI watch the scene from the darkness)

REANNA: I don't think the Dios ghost is going to show up, Akio-san. You'd better get out there and do it.

AKIO: I can't be Dios… could you at least use your self-insert powers to give me Dios's outfit?

REANNA: (mutters) But I wanted to save them for an emergency… I can only use them every few episodes, remember?

AKIO: Come on, Ri-chan… them seeing the Dios ghost there is important, and without his outfit, I'll look more like Eiga Akio than I will Dios. 

REANNA: Okay, okay. (she points her outstretched hands at AKIO) Gods of Blatancy! Answer my call!

(DIOS'S outfit materializes around AKIO)

REANNA: There's the red light, run into it!

(AKIO runs off into the red light shone by the mechanical red eye that has opened, but trips just before he gets there)

MIKI: **sighs**

REANNA: Akio-san! Get up!

(AKIO runs into the red light)

AKIO: Look! I'm Dios! (does a "Lord of the Dance" pose) Be mystified! (runs off into the shadows)

EIGA MIKI: … … the hell…?!

(JURI holds her head in her hand)

(The KOZUE CAR is lifted up on an elevator behind them)

JURI: Why do you duel?

EIGA MIKI: Of course… because I was chosen.

JURI: You could have refused. (We see the license plate with KOZUE on it go past MIKI)

MIKI: I always wish to obtain more power. (The shot pans out from the two of them to the rubber duck, sitting on the floor in a pool of water.)

JURI: That's mean.

(REANNA turns to AKIO)

REANNA: Ne, Akio-san.

AKIO: What is it?

REANNA: What were you talking about, before, on the phone? About a Morning Star and an Evening Star, and some stranger? Aren't you the Morning Star?

AKIO: … … kind of.

REANNA: Well, what were you talking about?

AKIO: … … … Shh. We'll be heard.

REANNA: … … Akio-san…

(Meanwhile)

JURI: Everything that constrains me. (she glances at the script) Whaaat? I'm supposed to what?!

REANNA: (whispers) Cuddle up to him!

JURI: I'm a lesbian!

REANNA: Five hundred yen if you do it.

JURI: Make it a thousand.

REANNA: Fine!

(JURI cuddles up to MIKI)

JURI: (reading from the script) We are all alone like this. Do we have to talk about these unromantic things?

EIGA MIKI: Eh?

(enter EIGA SHIORI)

EIGA MIKI: Shiori! Ordinary students aren't allowed here.

EIGA SHIORI: Sorry. I know I shouldn't be here.

JURI: What's the matter, at an hour like this?

EIGA SHIORI: I felt so lonely. (she looks up at JURI) I wanted to see you, Juri.

JURI: (twitches) Did something happen?

(EIGA SHIORI reaches for JURI'S hand. JURI looks confused. EIGA SHIORI strokes her hand)

EIGA SHIORI: You're a duelist, aren't you, Juri?

(in the shadows)

REANNA: Ne, Akio-san! Tell me! You don't usually act like this.

AKIO: It worries you to see me act differently?

REANNA: Well… yeah!

(AKIO takes out CHI CHI and CHA CHA and glares at REANNA)

REANNA: (twitches) Well, I… ummm… act how you like… I'm not one to criticize… (laughs nervously)

(AKIO half-heartedly tosses the monkey mice at REANNA)

REANNA: I SAID IT WAS OKAY!

(meanwhile)

EIGA SHIORI: She likes Touga. That's why she stubbornly dresses like a boy… so she could become a duelist.

JURI: Playing prince because of some guy?

EIGA SHIORI: It's wrong for someone like that to get the power to revolutionize the world, isn't it?

JURI: (sincerely) Granted, that doesn't make her too likeable.

EIGA MIKI: (looking around) Does anybody else hear this strange sound coming from over there? (he points to where AKIO, MIKI and REANNA are hiding)

JURI: (laughs nervously) Strange sound? Silly boy, you're imagining things!

EIGA MIKI: No, really, it's a girl's voice. I think we should check.

JURI: N-no we shouldn't…

(The noises stop)

JURI: See? They stopped!

EIGA SHIORI: I thought you said you couldn't hear anything.

JURI: DON'T MESS WITH ME, BITCH!

(EIGA MIKI walks into the shadows to check out the sound)

JURI: (holds her head in her palm again) Shit…

EIGA MIKI: Hey, nothing's here.

JURI: Huh?! (She rushes over. Sure enough, there is no longer anyone there)

EIGA SHORI: Anyway, Juri…

(meanwhile, deeper in the shadows, AKIO, MIKI and REANNA are hiding. The only thing keeping their hiding place hidden is AKIO'S hand, placed skillfully over REANNA'S mouth. MIKI is blushing profusely)

REANNA: Mmmphhmm mmmphhhh…

AKIO: Quiet! Hold it in!

MIKI: Isn't this your fault?

JURI: I'll beat her good in the next duel.

(We see a barricade lift up and some vehicle go through it, and all goes black)

REANNA: %^&#*#%$@^&**&$^#^$@%$%$@&#&%@$*_*$^%^$@$@$@!!!!

(Fade in to that same night, somewhere below the rose garden)

REANNA: So, Anshi and Utena are up there covering the "Toki ni Ai wa" scene?

AKIO: Yeah.

REANNA: Akio-san… tell me what's wrong. We have time for you to explain now. **thinks hard** This has something to do with when I came into this world, doesn't it?

AKIO: Yeah…

REANNA: So it IS about me! (she pounces on AKIO) So now I know that I have a right to know about what's going on here! (she holds her hands out) Tell me or I'll use my powers on you!

AKIO: (smirks) You used those up.

REANNA: (pouts) Oh yeah. … NOW TELL ME! Am I in danger? Are you in danger because of something I did? What is it?

AKIO: You won't believe me.

REANNA: Akio, if you don't spill it, then so help me—

AKIO: Okay, I'll tell you. But it's a bit complicated. It's like this… (AKIO holds up a series of crayon drawings) (visit to see)

REANNA: Ummm… yes… we've established this fact.

AKIO: Okay, then this… (AKIO holds up another picture) () 

REANNA: (nods) Okay, okay… that's a bit far-fetched, but hey, this is Utena, so I'll buy it… 

AKIO: And… this. ()

REANNA: **looks confused** So… how do we fix all this?

(AKIO holds up another drawing) () 

REANNA: … … YOU JERK! (she raises her hand to whack him)

AKIO: B… but if you don't, this will probably happen! (holds up yet another drawing) () Which would you prefer?

(REANNA stops)

(The roses begin to drift off the garden. Thousands and thousands roses fall off the garden in hundreds of rays of bright light and fall over the school below. Each one seems to give off a warm red light.)

REANNA: You're a liar… and a terrible artist.

(Cut to school, the next day. UTENA sits at EIGA UTENA'S desk studying the script)

TEACHER: Listen up. Listen. Form pairs and draw each other. Don't get bogged in detail. It's important to capture your partner's essence. It's a nice day, so you may work outside.

UTENA: Okay, this scene is a little strange, but I think I can handle it… (gets up and sees EIGA ANSHI standing in front of her, holding her sketch pad. We now see them walking along a catwalk outside. ANSHI starts to get ahead of UTENA)

UTENA: Himemiya…

(And further…)

UTENA: Mate, Himemiya.

(And further…)

UTENA: Ne! Mate, te ba!

(And further…)

UTENA: Ne! Himemiya!

(And futher…)

UTENA: HIMEMIYA!

(We see a shot of EIGA AKIO'S tower. EIGA ANSHI is waiting for an elevator, to go up to the top. UTENA catches up to her.)

EIGA ANSHI: There's an observation room up there. (the elevator arrives)

(We see them getting off the elevator)

(REANNA, AKIO and ANSHI are hiding in the shadows)

AKIO: Hey, Ri-chan. Do you think that since the scandal-aceous videotape already exists, I shouldn't have to act out what's in it?

REANNA: Beats the hell outta me.

UTENA: (to EIGA ANSHI) Are we allowed up here?

EIGA ANSHI: It's all right. No one comes here.

(UTENA sees a jet fly by outside)

UTENA: What a great view.

AKIO: (to REANNA) Come on, you're the self-insert. You're supposed to know these things.

REANNA: Ne, Anshi? Look out the window, isn't it a beautiful day?

ANSHI: (sweetly) Why, yes, it is!

AKIO: (dryly) You're awfully cheerful. Have you forgotten what I told you yesterday?

REANNA: I'm cheerful because I don't believe a word of your stupid little crayon drawings. I'm not even going to be offended that you'd think that I'd buy into something like that because that's just the thing you would do! Ne, Anshi! Isn't it a beautiful day to not believe Akio?

ANSHI: …

AKIO: (indignantly) Fine! Don't blame me when this happens!

REANNA: Tell me, Akio. If this is going to happen, then how do you know about it?

AKIO: (throws up his arms) Because I rule this world. What's to stop me from using you to kill evil Akio even if you don't want to help me?

REANNA: Because even you wouldn't do that.

AKIO: Don't underestimate me, self-insert.

REANNA: … … (she runs off)

ANSHI: That was kind of mean, onii-sama.

(meanwhile)

EIGA ANSHI: I'll teach you the reason why everyone wants the Rose Bride… me.

(The jet noise becomes louder. UTENA looks back at EIGA ANSHI… there seems to be a hole in her chest.)

UTENA: Nice hole. I… I mean… … what is this?

(Close up on the hole in EIGA ANSHI'S chest… fade out)

**Can we say… dark?**

**Was Akio telling the truth?**

**What will the scandalaceous tape contain?**

**Will Keroppon wreak havoc all over Ohtori?**

**All these questions, and some questions you never wanted to**

**know**** the answers to might be answered in:**

**The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio, Episode Eighteen:**

**"Rose Naked Body"**


	20. Rose Naked Body

The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio

Episode 18: "Rose Naked Body"

By Reanna King

Notes: Last episode got kind of strange with all the seriousness and stuff. This one is even stranger because of the random symbol-less symbolism in this first scene.

I'm expecting there to be one more episode of the Utena movie story arc after this one. After this, I'm not sure. I have a few ideas lined up for more story arcs. I'm still thinking of Gokudo, Ranma ½, the time travel story arc, and La Blue Girl, if I'm feeling daring (or stupid) enough to try and make a PG-13 fic that's a crossover between Utena and a hentai.

I have a lot of other fics in progress… besides this there's my Slayers fic, my Weiss Kreuz fic, my Sorcerer Hunters fic, my Akira fic… and some other miscellaneous fics… so this Christmas vacation, I'm concentrating on getting some serious writing under my belt.

Okay, it seems like I've been in this Utena movie story arc forever, so let's get this episode started.

(cut to next scene. An ON AIR sign lights up. We see two televisions: the left is showing static, the other shows Eiga E-Ko and Eiga F-Ko sitting at their table.)

EIGA F-KO: I've got a major scoop! There's a mondo scandalous subplot going on in—

EIGA E-KO: That's nothing! I've got an even more controversial videotape. Now, this is a very SCANDALATIOUS tape. Start!

(the left screen shows a VCR and a tape being put into it. The entire screen shows static for a moment, then cuts to a foggy swamp. In the background, we see a cow drinking water. We see that the cow is EIGA NANAMI, who is snorting in as she drinks. In the background, a girl walks cautiously out of the fog)

REANNA: Hello…? W… where am I? What's going on? (she waves her arm in the fog) I… I can't see a thing!

(Suddenly, CHU CHU gets sucked into one of NANAMI COW'S nostrils. She quits drinking)

REANNA: Ack! (she trips and falls into the water)

NANAMI COW: Mou!

CHU CHU: Chu!

REANNA: What's going on? (she feels around under the water) Whh… what's this thing?

(NANAMI COW shakes her head in an effort to get CHU CHU off of her but it doesn't work)

(REANNA lifts what she's found out of the water)

CHI CHI: Chi!

CHA CHA: Cha!

REANNA: AAAUUUGGHHHH!!!!

(NANAMI cow runs around trying to get CHU CHU off whilst REANNA runs from CHI CHI and CHA CHA. The NANAMI COW runs into SUZUKI, YAMADA and TANAKA, who seem to have turned into elephants.)

REANNA: Huh?

SUZUKI, YAMADA AND TANAKA: Pao! Pao! Pao!

(The third one picks up NANAMI with its trunk and tosses her out onto land, where she lands on her side. Upon opening her eyes, she sees that CHU CHU is now free, but is now peeing on her)

(REANNA is now holding a glass of water, looking puzzled at it, until she looks down and realizes that all around her, spread out as far as she can see are glasses, all filled with beverages of different colors)

(In a rage, NANAMI rears back and snorts at CHU CHU, who doesn't seem to care. She snorts and snorts and snorts until both CHU CHU and KEROPPON get stuck in her nostrils. Unable to breathe, NANAMI collapses)

REANNA: (wading through glasses, breaking most of them) What's going on here?

VOICE: You're a self-torturer, you know that? I'm sure you feel the same way… you need help… I think I'm frightened… I guess it doesn't matter. Would it be too much to ask… 

REANNA: Hello?

(CHU CHU and KEROPPON stand facing each other. A bug crawls by)

CHU CHU: (noticing the bug) Chu Chu?

VOICES: Don't get me wrong… there are tears in my eyes… but you probably already knew that… I feel so sorry for you. No, seriously… I have no pity. 

(KEROPPON'S snout grows longer and longer and catches CHU CHU inside of it)

REANNA: What's going on?!

CHU CHU: Chu!

(CHI CHI and CHA CHA appear and attack KEROPPON. When the smoke clears, KEROPPON is lying on the ground in instant bandages with the three monkey-mice standing over it.)

REANNA: (makes a weird face) Wha?

CHI CHI: Chi!

CHA CHA: Cha!

REANNA: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

(POUNCE)

F-KO: Is this really your scandalatious tape?

E-KO: My mistake. And now, for the real scandalatious videotape! Start!

(Cut to AKIO and EIGA KANAE in the AKIO CAR. Annoying waltz music is playing. AKIO gets out of the car)

EIGA F-KO: Oh, it's acting headmaster Akio!

(AKIO leans against the car, then flips over the front of it, gracefully landing head-first on the ground. He collects himself, and escorts EIGA KANAE out of the car and begins dancing with her)

EIGA F-KO: This must be back when he just got engaged to the headmaster's daughter.

EIGA E-KO: He's such a pus—I mean… textbook example of a prince!

EIGA F-KO: So young, yet competent and kind and has great looks.

(AKIO waltzes up to the screen with EIGA KANAE.)

AKIO: Were you about to call me a pussy?

EIGA E-KO: No, of course not!

EIGA F-KO: Is this really a videotape?

F-KO: A good-looking guy goes great with a nice car.

AKIO: Iya, but this car won't run. I've lost the key. I accidentally switched it for the key to a ball gag. (He turns and gets into a clunky green taxi. The screen goes black and we hear the taxi drive off, and then drive up again, and the screen shows AKIO getting out of the car. He flips gracefully over it and falls over the other side.)

ANSHI: Okaeri-nasai, onii-sama.

AKIO: Tadaima.

EIGA E-KO: What did he say before?

(cut to AKIO'S bedroom, where he's pouring drinks.)

F-KO: That's right! I heard Akio takes care of his sister. They are truly close as brother and sister.

(We see ANSHI in a dress in the background. In the foreground is the painting of ANSHI that we saw before in TOUGA and SHIORI'S room.)

E-KO: But the scandal starts… starts… starts here! (AKIO turns to look at ANSHI. The record that's playing begins skipping.) The surprise secret of the rose bride… is… is… is… 

(AKIO bangs on the record player and it quits skipping. He smiles nervously at ANSHI)

AKIO: (points behind ANSHI) Anshi, look! Chu Chu's eating something gross again!

ANSHI: Huh? (she looks behind her)

(AKIO drops a pill into ANSHI'S drink)

UTENA: Himemiya, what is this?

(We see the duel bells ringing)

HIMEMIYA: This is the secret of the Rose Bride. 

(On black over a white background, we see first EIGA UTENA pulling the sword of Dios from EIGA ANSHI and running to face JURI, then EIGA SHIORI giving JURI her sword, who runs off to face EIGA UTENA. The bells ring and EIGA UTENA and JURI begin to duel. Lots of students watch them, including EIGA MIKI, TOUGA and REANNA.)

EIGA MIKI: Juri is on the defensive. She's good.

(UTENA and JURI continue to fight. ANSHI and SHIORI watch from the side. SHIORI leaves)

REANNA: I hope Akio and Anshi made that videotape.

TOUGA: I hope it turned out the way it was supposed to.

REANNA: Yeah, you're right. (pauses, then smiles at TOUGA) Akio-san knows this is important. He won't mess it up.

TOUGA: (smiles) Now you're talking like a self-insert.

JURI: (laughs) You suck!

REANNA: Juri!

JURI: I mean… you suck, but… you would be a good match against my club members.

(EIGA UTENA lunges at JURI, but JURI dodges easily)

JURI: You don't understand how much playing prince halfway is going to cost you.

(EIGA UTENA runs at JURI again)

JURI: The mark of the rose doesn't suit you!

EIGA UTENA: I can't lose this!

JURI: You love Touga that much?

MIKI: What is Juri talking about? Who is "Touga?"

TOUGA: He's me!

EIGA ANSHI: (voice over) See that? That… that is the castle of eternity.

EIGA UTENA: Castle?

EIGA ANSHI: (we see a jet flying past one of the castle's towers) I haven't been in there myself… but I hear you can have anything there. Eternity, miracles, shining things. Perhaps your secret wishes will come true, too. That's what it means to win me. Or will you still throw away your mark of the rose?

JURI: (knocks EIGA UTENA down) Are you already down, Prince?

(EIGA UTENA gets up, but it's DIOS'S hand that picks up the sword again. When EIGA UTENA gets up, we see that she has become DIOS.)

EIGA ANSHI: That's…

REANNA: (turns to TOUGA) Ack! Akio-san's death scene is coming up soon! Bye! (she runs off)

TOUGA: See you later. (he resumes waving his hand in front of EIGA MIKI) 

(Suddenly, orange rose petals fly; UTENA has won. The bells ring, signaling the end of the duel. ANSHI stares at UTENA, shocked…)

ANSHI: For a moment… you looked like…

(cut to a view of a large window. C-KO runs past it)

C-KO: Extra! Extra! Extra!

(EIGA ANSHI, EIGA UTENA and JURI look down to a commotion on the ground. A body has been dug up. We can hear EIGA KANAE crying. We see her leaning over it, wailing. Over the top of the sheet placed over the body, we can see AKIO'S purple hair.)

EIGA KANAE: (crying) AKIO-SAN!! AKIO-SAN!!

(The sheet over AKIO shudders)

EIGA KANAE: Akio-san?

AKIO: AH-CHOO! (he sits up) Dammit!

EIGA SHADOW PLAY GIRLS: Kashira! Kashira! Gozonji kashira!

EIGA F-KO: It's the headmaster.

EIGA E-KO: It's the headmaster.

EIGA C-KO: Yes, it's the headmaster.

EIGA F-KO: (dancing in the shadows) We were wondering where you were.

EIGA E-KO: (dancing in the shadows) And it turns out you've been six feet under.

AKIO: No I haven't. 

EIGA C-KO: (dancing—ah, you get the picture) So we wonder how you died. Someone buried you, after all!

EIGA KANAE: But he isn't dead.

AKIO: (lying down, covering himself with the sheet) Yes I am. I'm dead!

REANNA: (behind a column) Jeez…

ALL: Kashira, kashira! Gozonji kashira! Kashira, kashira! Gozonji kashira!

EIGA SHIORI: (from behind a column, to the crowd) It's the owner of the flowerbed. The reason for her rose bed was to hide her brother dead.

CROWD: But he's not dead!

EIGA SHIORI: SHUT UP! Yes he is! If you need proof that I must show, watch this tape and you will know. Watch this tape and you will know.

EIGA F-KO: Ah! That's…

EIGA E-KO: That's the scandalatious video I found!

EIGA F-KO: When did she get it?

EIGA KANAE: (turns back to AKIO) Anyway, Akio-san-- … … huh? He's gone!

REANNA: Where did he go?

AKIO: Hey there.

REANNA: (turns around) Akio-san.

AKIO: Still mad?

REANNA: … … Maybe a little. … … Akio-san?

AKIO: Yeah?

REANNA: Did you and Anshi make that videotape?

AKIO: (sweatdrops) Right. The tape… Heh heh…

REANNA: You didn't make it?

AKIO: Oh… we made it… ummm… but… there was… a problem.

REANNA: What kind of a problem?

AKIO: Anshi… she… errrr… it was this little… creature thingie…

REANNA: Don't tell me…

**I wonder if you can guess…**

**What exactly went wrong, then?**

**Does anybody ever read these?**

**Would you believe I ran out of questions?**

**All these questions, and some questions you never wanted to**

**know**** the answers to might be answered in:**

**The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio, Episode Nineteen:**

**"Belladonna no Wana"**

"Were you about to call me a pussy?"


	21. Belladonna no Wana

The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio

Episode 19: "Belladonna no Wana"

By Reanna King

NOTES: School's finally over for the semester! Time to finish this! It's really about time that I get this going, so here I go, plunging headlong into the last episode of the Ecchi Adventures movie parody. Not sure what I'll do next, but I have plenty of time to think about that. I'm also trying to decide whether I should go back to previous episodes and do some revising of things that are stupid/ not quite right. On one hand I feel like I should preserve the story the way it's always been… but on the other hand, I feel like there are some things that should be revised, like typos, incorrect uses of Japanese, and the occasional really really stupid line. I wouldn't change any of the content or change any scenes, so the stories themselves wouldn't be changed at all; just the way they're told. If anyone has any input on this, I'd be glad to hear it. Okay, in advance: the car scene is VERY VERY HENTAI. So DON'T blame me when you read it and go O_o. Notice the presence of the "N'T" after "DO."

(We see EIGA UTENA chasing after EIGA ANSHI)

EIGA UTENA: Himemiya! … Himemiya!

(We see the tape again. In the background is a sheet hanging up. In the foreground is one empty glass and one full glass. In the midground, all that we see of ANSHI is her knee. AKIO walks slowly over to her. He reaches for her, but then draws his hand back.)

AKIO: You… weren't asleep?

(EIGA UTENA: Himemiya! … Himemiya!)

(ANSHI sits up… … to AKIO'S horror, she's not wearing her glasses)

AKIO: Where… where did your glasses go? They can't have fallen off…

EVIL ANSHI: You were careless, Onii-sama. (looks evilly at AKIO. She leaps to her feet and grabs the knife that was meant to be stabbed into her)

AKIO: Shit! She's pissed! (turns to the side) Chi Chi, Cha Cha, where did her glasses go?... (he looks closely at them) W… what happened to you? Did someone beat you up? (he examines them closely) What's this drawn on your back?

VOICE: Keroppon!

AKIO: Eh?

EIGA UTENA: (going in a door) Himemiya! Himemiya! (the door reads: VISITING ROOM) Himemiya?

EVIL ANSHI: Prepare to suffer, dear brother!

AKIO: (to the camera) Saionji! Turn the tape off and get over here and help me! Hey!

(no reply)

AKIO: Saionji? Hey! What happened to you? What's this drawn on your back?

VOICE: Keroppon! (KEROPPON leaps at AKIO, huge mallet in hand)

AKIO: What the hell are you?!

KEROPPON: KEROPPON! (the evil little thing laughs evilly)

AKIO: Screw the glasses, I'm getting out of here! 

EVIL ANSHI: Oh, no you don't! It's time for a little payback! Then I can go get the self-insert!

AKIO: Gah! Stay away from Ri-chan! I need her to kill Evil Akio!

EVIL ANSHI: Is that all?

AKIO: No.

EVIL ANSHI: I knew it!

AKIO: If you kill her before I sleep with her, my personal pride will suffer. I can't let you kill her before I sleep with her first! (eyes widen, looks at camera) Reanna! If you're watching this, … damn, you probably are watching this… I didn't mean it quite like that! (looks back at an angry EVIL ANSHI) I mean… uh…

KEROPPON: (waves its arms) Keroppon.

(The sheet hanging in the background pulls itself away from the wall and twists itself into a huge mallet)

AKIO: The HELL?!

KEROPPON: Kero! Pon!

AKIO: Hit me with that thing if you want, you creepy little whatever-you-are! No matter what shape it's in, it's still just a sheet!

(WHACK! AKIO flies across the room under a table)

AKIO: That… really hurt…

KEROPPON: (evilly) Pon… Kero pon pon!

EVIL ANSHI: I don't know what you think you've are, but you've annoyed me. Cut it out now and your suffering will be minimal.

KEROPPON: KEROPPON!

(The sheet-mallet smacks EVIL ANSHI across the room)

KEROPPON: (laughs) KEROPPON, KEROPPON! PON PON KEROPPON! (laughs)

(The sheet-mallet swings once more at the camera, and the video turns to static)

(REANNA and AKIO finish watching the tape on a little TV in a small, dark room)

REANNA: "Your personal pride?" You jerk.

AKIO: Hey, what were you expecting me to say? Hey, and don't you have anything to say about what me and Anshi went through to make that tape?

REANNA: It was horrible! It was nothing near how it was supposed to look!

AKIO: Well, we don't have time to do it over. It's almost time to go.

(cut to EIGA UTENA, panting, in a hallway.  At the end she sees a chair with a red road sign on it. She hears a car horn and looks at the other end of the hall and sees, on a chair, a blue sign, pointing left into an open door. Inside is a short hall with chairs lined along each side. On each is a blue sign pointing forward. At the end of the hall is a chair with a scrolling marquee sitting on it. The marquee reads: All engaged couples, please wait in the back.) EIGA UTENA goes in. The door closes behind her.)

(REANNA and AKIO'S video hisses back to activity. It shows EIGA UTENA waiting in Mikage's conference elevator. TOUGA stands in front of her.)

REANNA: What's this doing on the tape?

AKIO: I don't know. The camera broke while we were recording the other scene, so I couldn't have recorded anything else.

REANNA: Strange.

AKIO: (reaches for the switch on the TV) Ah well. Let's go.

REANNA: … wait.

EIGA TOUGA: Utena.

EIGA UTENA: Touga. Where is Himemiya?

(The elevator begins to move down)

EIGA TOUGA: Why do you want to see her? Do you also want the power to make miracles happen now?

EIGA UTENA: Does such power really exist?

(MIKI and JURI rush into the room)

MIKI: Akio-san! There's a problem!

AKIO: A problem? With what?

JURI: Going to the outside world. We can't use the Akio Car.

ANSHI: (she has her glasses back on) Then, how will we get out? And once we do, what will happen to the car?

MIKI: We can always summon the car from wherever we end up, but the real problem is getting out without a car in the first place.

AKIO: Relax. I have a backup plan that should work.

(THE TAPE CONTINUES)

EIGA UTENA: About the time we separated. The time when you disappeared. I forgot it for some reason since I got here. Don't you remember, a boy drowned in the river by our school back then?

EIGA TOUGA: Maybe that happened.

EIGA UTENA: It did. There was a girl who fell in the river from a boat. A boy jumped into the river to save the girl and he drowned instead. … Why did I forget that until now?

(In the vision, young UTENA stands up from the bench, seeing that the girl in the boat has fallen into the water)

YOUNG UTENA: Tasukete! Tasukete! Tasukete! Someone come quick!

EIGA TOUGA: Utena—Won't you come with me? I'm here right now. I'm always thinking of you. I'll promise to love you until the End of the World. Isn't that enough? Let's be happy here.

SAIONJI: That's only assuming we've done everything here correctly. Not everything went according to plan.

MIKI: I'm sure that as long as we get the movie versions of Anshi and Utena to the outside world, we should be fine.

AKIO: I'm not sure. Ri-chan? What do you think?

EIGA UTENA: Wait! (she stands up to face EIGA TOUGA. She begins to cry, and EIGA TOUGA'S side of the elevator begins to fill up with water)

EIGA UTENA: (crying) Thank you. You really were my prince.

(back to vision)

(YOUNG TOUGA runs over to where YOUNG UTENA is standing)

YOUNG TOUGA: What's the matter, Utena? Oh no! A girl is drowning!

YOUNG UTENA: Wait! Don't go! Don't go, Touga!

YOUNG TOUGA: No! I have to go, or she'll drown!

YOUNG UTENA: But, Touga! You'll die! Touga! TOUGA!

AKIO: Ri-chan? Hello?

REANNA: …

AKIO: Reanna, we should get going.

(REANNA finally looks up, and rubs her hand across her eyes)

REANNA: Okay, let's go.

(Everyone leaves the room, leaving the tape playing.)

REANNA: Akio-san! What's your back-up plan for getting out of this world?

AKIO: We'll do what Utena and Anshi did!

UTENA: You mean turn someone into a car and ride out on them?

AKIO: Yeah, and it has to be someone who wears the Rose Seal. If they don't have a ring, the car won't have a key, and it won't be able to run!

TOUGA: Who are we going to use? Everyone but Reanna and Anshi have one!

(Everyone who has a Rose Seal begins yelling at AKIO about how they don't want to be turned into a car as they run)

AKIO: Okay, okay! I have an idea!

(Everyone arrives at the Rose Garden, which has already lowered itself to the ground. The car wash sits dormant, towering over them)

AKIO: Good! It's still here! We'd better hurry. (sighs, and turns to UTENA, TOUGA, SAIONJI, MIKI and JURI.) So, none of you want to be cars, huh?

ALL: No!

AKIO: (scratches the back of his head) Well… I guess there's just one alternative.

REANNA: You're going to be a car?

AKIO: Nope! … Ri-chan, are you wearing your Rose Seal?

REANNA: (eyes go wide) Don't you even THINK about it! This ring isn't even real! It's a piece of merchandise!

AKIO: **grins**

REANNA: Really! Look! It even makes my finger turn green!

AKIO: C'mere!

REANNA: NO!

(AKIO tackles REANNA, pulls the ring off her finger, and tosses it to the others)

AKIO: Hold this. (he drags REANNA over to the car wash)

REANNA: No no no no! This is going to hurt! I don't want to be a car! I can't even drive!

AKIO: I'll drive you!

REANNA: LIKE HELL YOU WILL! Let go of me!

AKIO: It's for your friends, Ri-chan! (he shoves her in)

REANNA: Ack!

(REANNA disappears inside the car wash)

AKIO: Now we just have to wait.

(Mechanical sounds ensue, as do continuous screams from REANNA… especially when her clothes are ejected from the car wash, ripped and torn)

MIKI: Umm… are you sure she'll be okay in there?

AKIO: She'll be fine. She's a self-insert. Self-inserts are pretty durable.

REANNA: AAAHHHH!! Hey! That hurts! Whh… what's that? OW! Stoppit! ACK! That's hot! Lemme go lemme go lemme go lemme go-- -- what's that for? You're not going to—OUCH!

UTENA: I wonder what kind of car Reanna's gonna be…

(The columns of the car wash move aside, and a misshapen purple convertible drives out. Of course, its license plate reads "REANNA.")

AKIO: (runs his hand across the car) Ri-chan? That you?

REANNA CAR: Hey! Don't touch me there!

TOUGA: Hey… Reanna's ring turned into a key! (he tosses it to AKIO)

AKIO: Great! (he opens REANNA CAR'S door and moves the key toward the keyhole)

REANNA CAR: No! (she drives herself forward a few feet and knocks AKIO to the ground)

SAIONJI: How did she do that without a key?

AKIO: C'mon, Ri-chan, we have to hurry! Just let me put the key in! (he dives into the front seat and tries sticking the key in again)

REANNA CAR: Nononononono! (she drives around in circles, trying to get AKIO off of her)

AKIO: Ri-chan, a car can't run without its key!

REANNA CAR: Then how come I'm running right now?!

(AKIO slams his foot on the brakes and REANNA CAR screeches to a stop)

REANNA CAR: Ack! Hey, stop that!

AKIO: Sorry about this, Ri-chan! (he sticks the key in and turns it)

REANNA CAR: AAHHHHHHH!!!!  (REANNA CAR'S engine starts, sounding vaguely erotic)

AKIO: Okay, everyone hurry up and get in!

(Everyone hops into the car)

REANNA CAR: Saionji, get your feet off the back of my seat please!

SAIONJI: S… sorry…

REANNA CAR: Seatbelts, everyone!

EVERYONE: Haaaaai. (numerous seatbelt clicks)

REANNA CAR: Okay, let's go! Akio, you're gonna pay for this! (she drives off into the distance with everyone inside)

UTENA: Hey look, there's something painted on the road…

(We see a view of the road ahead of her. Gradually, words appear instead of the lines down the center, reading first: CAUTION, then: DANGER AHEAD, then YOU WILL DIE.)

REANNA CAR: Are you sure this is a good idea?

AKIO: (driving) Ri-chan, what have I done that would lead you to not trust me? … … Actually, don't answer that. Just trust me!

(REANNA CAR drives through a shaft of light, and her radio comes to life.)

VOICE: Hey, everyone! You're off to a good start!

TOUGA: Reanna? Are you talking through the radio?

VOICE: Not quite. I'm the Reanna that sent the note you got when you first arrived here. 

REANNA CAR: She's the cruel Reanna that subjects me to all this stuff, and for her own entertainment!

VOICE: Aw, you don't have to put it that way. 

MIKI: Wait… if we have the writer of the story here, aren't we pretty much guaranteed to get out of here safely?

VOICE: Yeah, pretty much. But you might as well make an effort anyway. Anyway, you don't need to necessarily beat the movie Utena and Anshi to the outside world, or even get there when they do. Just make sure that nothing and no one else is with you when you leave this world. There's no telling what might happen then.

UTENA: What do you mean?

VOICE: Something might happen, but maybe not. Okay, guys! Have fun, and do your best! Bye!

ANSHI: Everyone, look! There's something gaining on us from behind!

REANNA CAR: Is it Shiori?

ANSHI: No, it's a red car that looks like a… alligator?

AKIO: Keroppon? That's impossible!

(The red car drives up beside REANNA CAR. It is indeed KEROPPON.)

KEROPPON CAR: Kero! Pon! (it rams into REANNA CAR, creating a huge dent)

REANNA CAR: Yeek! Leave me alone!

AKIO: Shit! He's a lot stronger than us, and probably faster! I wonder if this car has any cool gadgets… Ri-chan, what do all these buttons do?

REANNA CAR: I don't know! Try one!

(A hose from underneath KEROPPON CAR sprays some black gunk all over REANNA CAR'S windshield)

REANNA CAR: Ick! I can't see! What is this?!

AKIO: I can't see! Where are the windshield wipers? (he pushes a random button, and REANNA CAR'S hood pops open)

REANNA CAR: Hey!

AKIO: Sorry! (pushes another button, and the windshield wipers start working)

KEROPPON CAR: Kero! Pon!

(A hole opens up in the side of KEROPPON CAR. With a loud crack, something shoots out of it and blows a small hole through the back of REANNA CAR)

REANNA CAR: AAaaahhh! Akio-san!

TOUGA: What happened?

REANNA CAR: It… it shot me!

AKIO: Ri-chan, can't you use your powers?

REANNA CAR: They haven't recovered yet!

(KEROPPON CAR blasts another hole)

REANNA CAR: AAHHHH! Akio-san, help!

AKIO: He's faster than us! I can't get away!

SAIONJI: Hang in there, Reanna! Now's your chance to be useful for once!

REANNA CAR: Hey!

JURI: Look, we're already pretty far. There's the wreck of the first Shiori car.

(Something begins pounding the sides of REANNA CAR)

REANNA CAR: He's throwing debris at me! Akio-san, make him stop! AAHHHHHH!!!

AKIO: Ri-chan, what's wrong? What happened?

REANNA CAR: (beginning to lose control) Something… something in… tail pipe…

AKIO: Ri-chan, you have to keep going!

REANNA CAR: I can't keep going like this! It's dangerous, but somebody has to get rid of it!

UTENA: I'll do it! I'm a prince who rescues princesses! Or… a prince who rescues cars… or… something… (she climbs out of the back seat) Anshi, hold on to me while I try and reach it!

ANSHI: Yes, Prince Utena! (ANSHI grabs onto UTENA, while UTENA lowers herself over the back of the car, coming dangerously close to falling off)

UTENA: Almost… I got it! (ANSHI pulls UTENA back into the car) It's one of the cones that the Shiori car ran over.

REANNA CAR: Thanks, Utena!

AKIO: That dirty little… that's it, I'm trying this switch! It's still behind us, let's see what happens. (he flips the switch)

REANNA CAR: AAHHHhhhhhhhh!! Akio-san, what did you just do?! 

AKIO: I just flicked a switch!

REANNA CAR: Well, don't flick it again if you want me to keep driving straight!

AKIO: Hold on, a little screen lit up saying, "toggle switch to trigger attack."

REANNA CAR: I don't want you toggling anything!

AKIO: Too late! (AKIO flips the switch back and forth, triggering a humming sound, sounding like an electric device charging up power)

REANNA CAR: AAAHHH!! Cut it out! Cut it out! (she sways to the side)

AKIO: Ri-chan, try to drive straight!

REANNA CAR: THEN STOP DOING THAT!

AKIO: Okay, here we go! (he flicks the switch one last time)

REANNA CAR: ^*^@%$#@%%#&^*&$^*%@%$#@$#^%#*$^%$@#%$#@^%&!!!!!

(The horn honks. The headlights blink. Gauges go nuts)

TOUGA: (looking out the back of the car) Jeez! Akio, what did you do?

JURI: (sweatdropping) What does it SOUND like?

AKIO: Huh?

TOUGA: I think you broke something!

AKIO: Why?

TOUGA: The Reanna Car is leaking something!

MIKI: **BLUSH**

REANNA CAR: Akio, you jerk!

AKIO: I like you as a car, Ri-chan!

REANNA CAR: I hate this…

JURI: Hey, look!

(KEROPPON CAR has begun swerving back and forth on the road. Finally, it loses control and crashes, going up in flames)

AKIO: Boo-yah! We did it!

VOICE: Good job, guys! You handled that well! You're almost… wait… what the… What the hell is that?!

AKIO: What? What is what?

VOICE: Wh… I… br…kng… up… lo… ut… ming… ore…

AKIO: Hey! Omnipresent voice! You're breaking up!

VOICE: Look ou… don… ve u… ou mu… … ke … na… ga… (the radio dies)

SAIONJI: Oh, we're inside the tunnel. It looks like we're on our own again.

AKIO: (checks the mirrors) What was it that she saw? I don't see anything, except the wrecks of all these Shiori cars. Ri-chan, do you see anything?

REANNA CAR: No… looks like the coast is clear. (she slows down a bit)

UTENA: Hey, Reanna-sempai! Don't slow down! If something happens, you won't be going fast enough to get away!

REANNA CAR: But… I'm nervous…

TOUGA: C'mon, I wanna get out of this creepy place.

SAIONJI: Rijichou…

AKIO: I've got it.

(AKIO flips the switch one more time)

REANNA CAR: YEEEEEEEKKK!! (she speeds forward)

(The tunnel rings with multiple metallic clanging sounds—several hooks reach out and hook themselves onto the REANNA CAR'S frame)

JURI: (eyebrows raise) This is getting bizarre.

REANNA CAR: I'm gonna have a word with the author after this episode! Owwww…

AKIO: Car bondage? Kinky…

REANNA CAR: SHUT UP! (Peeling out on the ground until she backfires—the car shuts down) I wore myself out… I can't move…

AKIO: Great job, Ri-chan! We could have just freed you… 

REANNA CAR: You weren't doing anything before!

AKIO: It's your fault for struggling so much! No problem… you should just start right up again. (he turns the key)

REANNA CAR: Ack! Akio!

AKIO: Be quiet! (tries again)

REANNA CAR: AAAGGGHHH!! 

JURI: So if putting the key in is like… you know… and getting hooked is like being tied up, what's the equivalent of gagging her?

AKIO: If you figure it out, tell me. I just might do it.

SAIONJI: Maybe if you took out the horn?

TOUGA: Nah. She could still speak.

REANNA CAR: This is really cruel!

AKIO: One more time! (turns the key—this time the REANNA CAR starts up again) Finally! Someone get out and get those hooks off!

(Everyone but AKIO jump out and work on removing the hooks from the REANNA CAR'S frame)

MULTIPLE VOICES: Keroppon!

ANSHI: Why did she make the speaker anonymous if it's obvious who it is?

ANOTHER VOICE: Don't question me! Oh, and Reanna?

REANNA CAR: What?

VOICE: I want to apologize in advance to you.

REANNA CAR: Apologize in advance? For what?

VOICE: You'll… find out. And don't ask why I can suddenly speak to you while you're in the tunnel.

AKIO: Why can you suddenly speak to us while we're in the tunnel?

VOICE: Because I'm the author. You don't seriously I'd let there be a no-speak zone just for dramatic purposes, did you?

MIKI: Hey… the Keroppon aren't moving.

VOICE: I paused them.

AKIO: Great, now we can get away!

VOICE: Ah-ah-ah!

(The several hundred KEROPPON begin advancing again)

TOUGA: You bitch!

VOICE: Quiet or I give you a lightning bolt or something.

TOUGA: Yes'm.

AKIO: Shit, everyone get in!

(Everyone hops into the REANNA CAR)

REANNA CAR: (As she speeds off) Watch the seats! Ow! Ah! Ack! Owww! (etc)

MIKI: The Keroppon have… tiny grappling hooks! They're grabbing onto the car!

REANNA CAR: It's like tons of little needles! Get 'em off!

TOUGA: Why does she torture herself like this?

(A lightning bolt comes out of the sky [they've emerged from the tunnel] and strikes TOUGA, frizzing up his hair)

TOUGA: Forget I said it.

UTENA: Guys, the Keroppon are climbing aboard!

(The KEROPPON begin to spill like a stream into the interior of the car)

SAIONJI: Doesn't this thing have a top we can put up?

AKIO: Nope. Reanna always was quite the airhead.

REANNA CAR: Shut up!

(The KEROPPON have covered the REANNA CAR like a swarm of army ants)

REANNA CAR: It… it TICKLES! (begins laughing and veering off course)

UTENA: Hang in there, Reanna-sempai!

REANNA CAR: Like hell! GET 'EM OFF!

ANSHI: There's the Castle Car up ahead.

REANNA CAR: I've gotta drive through that with these things all over me?! Eiga Utena's job was easy compared to this!

AKIO: Just relax… I'll do the work, Ri-chan!

REANNA CAR: Call me "Ri-chan" one more time and I'll give you carbon monoxide poisoning!

(Meanwhile, TOUGA, SAIONJI, JURI, MIKI, UTENA and ANSHI are doing their best to bail out the KEROPPON)

SAIONJI: Ow! One bit me!

(The REANNA CAR enters the underside of the Castle Car—AKIO starts steering her past the huge wheels)

REANNA CAR: Remember, the car is my body, so try not to hurt it!

AKIO: I know that! (He abruptly veers to avoid a particularly large wheel) … Oh, shit…

REANNA CAR: (looks ahead) I'm gonna die!

(The wheels have aligned themselves so that they're a solid row; there's nowhere to get in between)

AKIO: It's too late to stop!

(AKIO tries to turn, but this only produces a useless screeching sound as the tires leave black marks on the ground. Suddenly – just in time, I might add – it all collapses in a shower of rose petals—there's a bright flash of light, and suddenly our heroes – and a few KEROPPON are seen on a bright pink background)

SAIONJI: What's going on?

REANNA: Doesn't anybody remember? We can't bring anything with this world to the outside world! We have at least a few dozen Keroppon with us! Who knows what will happen?

TOUGA: Reanna-sempai… you're naked…

REANNA: Eek!

(Another flash of light—when it clears, the setting has switched to a clearing that appears to be outside a forest… a cliff is seen in the background… at the opposite side is a small house. Surrounding them are several pools of water. Have you guessed it yet?)

TOUGA: Where the hell are we?

REANNA: Nggg… (she's laying on the ground—still naked—looking pretty banged up)

AKIO: Reanna? You're bleeding… What's wrong?

REANNA: (pops up for a moment) Do you even REMEMBER what happened to me while I was a car?! (falls back on the ground, eyes closed) Don't tell me… we didn't make it back to the Utena world…

AKIO: We have to hurry before Yami no Akio… er… (looks at REANNA) I guess you're in no condition to do that.

REANNA: Of course I'm not!

MIKI: She'll need a lot of rest. We'll have to find somewhere…

TOUGA: Let's ask that guy. (They turn to an Asian man who just happens to be standing nearby)

UTENA: Excuse me, sir? Is there a place nearby where we can rest?

MAN: Why you come here to rest? These the legendary cursed Jusenkyo Springs!

JURI: Um… what?

**Will it never end?**

**What about the Keroppon?**

**How much fanservice will there be?**

**It's the ultimate Ecchi Adventures scenario!**

**All these questions, and some questions you never wanted to**

**know**** the answers to might be answered in:**

**The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio, Episode Twenty:**

**"Yasashii Ii Ko ni Narenai"**


End file.
